How to be a Legend at losing Weight – part 1
by malkcontent on Apr.11, 2011, under How-to, Legend Behavior, look like a Legend
No idea how many parts of this there will be and this might not be as funny as usual but here we go anyway ! It’s a proper adult type advice and legendhood column for you, my happy readers.
I’ve been working on hypothesis for a while now about why people don’t lose weight and diet books etc all fail. I threw a quick, pretty unscientific survey out in an open question and got the answers I expected. The reason I’m qualified to fix this is that I’ve genuinely done the big weight loss and maintained it thing without special surgery and so on, and I’m also a bit of a dick. That’s important. SHOCK AND AWE, BABY, SHOCK AND AWE!.
Now many of you reading this want to lose weight, tone up, however you want to call it, might have tried it plenty before but never succeeded so I’m going to help you. Many of you reading this will have a smartphone, if not , use the PC version.
Before we go annnnny further, I want you to download and sign up for something called “Evernote”. It’s a very simple program that lets you make notes and put tags so you can track it and such.
Okay so do that now.
Did you do it ?
Lot of you probably didn’t.
So here’s my question… What the F*CK are you playing at?
Seriously, you’re reading this because you want to lose weight and you’re ALREADY making excuses and procrastinating, you’re wasting my time and yours. DO IT NOW!
That’s why you’re not getting where you want btw, weight or otherwise. It’s not a magic diet needed or a pill or a procedure or your glands or anything f*cking else. It’s excuses and procrastination.
Here’s some favourites
“I’ll go to the gym later”.
Used as an excuse to eat something you shouldn’t or to put off going to the gym.
Solution: PUT DOWN THE FORK!, nah but seriously, don’t eat it.
Here’s the new deal you make with yourself, you look at the calories of it and for every 100 you do 10 minutes hard cardio in the gym. That’s how hard it is to burn off btw. It’s 3600 for a lb of fat too. So that means 6 hours hard cardio to burn off 1 lb of fat or nearly forty minutes to burn off a chocolate bar.
Insane isn’t it?
But if you still want to do it, then do it FIRST. That’s your new cheating on your goal deal, you want to eat crap that is against your goal, you HAVE to do the work FIRST. That’s the absolute rule. You follow it , just that and a few things happen. You don’t eat the crap, you do go to the gym and after it, you feel so good you don’t want the crap. It’s much easier to just eat less calories than to try to work it off in the gym, trust me on that. Gym is for a bit of fitness. 80/20 eating /gym for weight loss. Later (part 2) I’m going to cover the top mistakes rookies make in losing weight.
As for putting it off later, here’s the next new goal breaking deal. You go to the gym and get changed into your gym clothes. If you STILL want to not do it , you get changed and go back. You won’t btw, you’ll work out and probably enjoy it too once you’re there but if you don’t fine , you’ll walk back out. Just, go first? , take you like twenty – twenty five minutes probably tops. If it’s taking you more than that, get a different gym, even if it’s not as equipped. You’ll still go more. Convenience counts a lot.
“I’ve been to the gym so I can have a little treat”
Solution – HAH! , read the math above and WEEP my friend, you have done nothing even close that will cover your little “treat”. Also, stop making FOOD treats, chubs. Save up the money you’d spend on these fatty, goal destroying “treats” and buy yourself new clothes when you’ve slimmed down. New clothes are a great treat as it’s a genuine reward for achievement. That wouldn’t have fit you before, and it won’t fit you if you slip back, so don’t be a dumbass. If you want chocolate, fried crap etc, you don’t want to lose weight. They are mutually exclusive like Hitler and Jews. That is not a mixer party that is going to work, so just throw that idea out the window.
“I don’t seem to be losing any so stuff it”
Solution – That’s why you’ve got evernote. Measure yourself and take your weight at the same time and on the same scale. you’ll be able to track. Occaisonally weight will stall. Stick with the reduced calories and moderate exercise, it will go. You have to have willpower here to keep going. It can’t fight physics so just beat it down until it goes.
“A friend offered it”
Solution – And you say no. That’s all there is too it. You need to get angry about this. Seriously it’s completely rude. It’s genuinely no different than offering pints of beer to an alcoholic but, much like an alcoholic , it’s still your responsibility to say no. Don’t argue, don’t offer an excuse. Just. Say. No. if you like say “No I’m losing weight, I don’t care if you think I need to, I want to, let’s move on with the conversation”. People often buy others food cos they want to eat crap themselves, don’t be their puppet!.
“I don’t have time”
Solution – … you don’t have time to do what? it takes just as much time to buy a healthy option sandwich as it does a big bacony fatty so shut up with that crap.
Okay there are more and if you have specific ones, mail me, I’ll add if relevant, there is a contact form it’s annoymous.
Oh , and as a final hint for now, DONT go killing urself in the gym at the start of weightloss. Focus on the mental game of eating properly (little meals spaced out, add up the calories, don’t make excuses). It’s way more important and the gym will come later. 3 times a week for an hour is more than sufficient. Don’t go mental either , get a sweat up, get ur heartrate up, do some stretching. We’ll cover stage two after you lose, say , half a stone.
And stop making crappy stupid excuses. You know what you want, so do it.
It’s the Legend way.
How to be a Legend at Automatically Posting to Facebook
by malkcontent on Apr.08, 2011, under How-to, Legend Behavior
like this.
How to be a Legend at Job Interviews
by malkcontent on Apr.05, 2011, under be a legend at Work, How-to, Legend Behavior
Alright Troops?!
Well here I am, with yet another shining beacon of sheer AWESOMENESS in your foggy land of p*sh.
This time you’re about to receive everything you need to know to get the job of your dreams. Obama was selling kebabs before he read an earlier draft of this.
Prep Work
Let us begin at the start, which is my favourite place to begin, ALWAYS, that is a top tip for you immediately. Print this out, then write it down, reading from your printed out copy. It’s that important. Don’t begin at the end, it spoils everything and you’ll lose complete track of the narrative. Okay so , oh yeah I remember, your C.V..
C.V. stands for Chanceofajob Veryslim, but we’ll change slim for win. See what I did there? No? go back and re read it. I’ll wait… yeah ? YEAH! Now we’re talking! Now you need to remember dozens of non Legends are going for these jobs and people who work in H.R. (i.e. Women) get confused easily by any number bigger than 10. This is an evolutionary thing because they only have that many nails to paint before switching and resetting the count. <citation needed>.
So out of all that chaff , how do we present our wheat?. First off, don’t write C.V. or anything like it on it. They might be H.R. but they’re not that f*cking stupid that they have no idea what it is they’re looking at. Imagine if Twilight books had “This is Sh*t” written on all of them ? Exactly, there is no need. It’s just obvious and well known.
Next , write your contact details on there, so they know who you are and where to find you. In my case I just have “Malk Content” written and they know just to shine the Malksignal up into the sky and I’ll pop them a text. Follow this up by your newest job and all the b*tching stuff you do there. You may have to big up your accomplishments a bit and make them sound better. E.g.
I make coffee – Refreshment Technician and Customer Service Agent.
I drive a bin lorry – Sanitation Pilot
I am a prostitute – I am an expensive prostitute
Then list your skills and talents and qualifications in some sort of order, make the most impressive at top, they’re going to get distracted by something shiny or shoes or just space off or something or decide to wander off and harass a real employee for doing f*ck all wrong like the hellb*tches they are.
Some things will never be considered a skill no matter how good you are at doing them so don’t put them down. E.g.
Masturbating
Belching
The Shocker
The Shocker should be though.
The Interview
You are OBVIOUSLY going to get an interview thanks to the above, so here’s how it will go.
They may give you a technical test or some other kind of test based on what job it is. A common one is an In Tray Exercise which is sorting the priority of some nonsense. Look for anything that says Exec and put that first. Then just f*cking bin the rest, you’re too busy dealing with important Exec stuff to worry about that crap. You’re their right hand person, Grima Wormtongue style.
You’ll probably be interviewed by 2 people, most common number, it’s important to figure out which one is the dominent hirer and which one is the monkey along to make up numbers so that no one says its unfair they hired their mate Jimmy. (Side Note: If they have got a mate along for interview, you’ll need to push them down the stairs to exclude them from the running.)
Sadly, you’ll not know who is the DH first greeting, so you’ll need to do the following for both, as they walk over to greet you for the first time they will try to shake your hand, move into it one at a time and firmly grasp their hand then crush it. Crush it hard. Show them your power. This is especially important if you are a woman, crush them with your tiny fragile hands. Look them in the eye while doing it, let them know you smell their fear.
Once this is established the rest is a piece of cake. They’ll ask you banal and stupid questions like “Name a time you were sad about something at work”. They don’t want the real answer “Most of the time I am sad, I want paid for lounging about having a sleepy”, they want a Situation, Action and a Result.
Situation – “The building was burning so I was sad”
Action – “I got everyone out of the building and then put out the fire by urinating on it”
Result – “I was a hero, everyone loved me, millions saved”
Try to always end on a win too. It’s all about Legend behaviour at these things. If you don’t have one that’s true then just lie, Lying is a very good skill to develop for these things. It is both expected and encouraged.
and fun.
Finally they will ask you do you have any questions. Do not ask about any deformaties they have or recent troubles mentioned in the paper or who that sexy beyotch was who showed you in and is she up for being Shocked because you’re excellent at it and feel it should be on your C.V.
Instead you want to ask about progression, this makes it look like you’re wanting to stick around and so on. “How long before I’m you pair of clown’s manager then? ” or something similar.
Quick Tips:
Wash
Sit with your legs spread open, this gives them a good waft of your musk. Even more effective as a woman with male interviewers or lesbo.
If you feel you are losing them, challenge to an arm wrestle.
Win at arm wrestling
Eat any sheet of paper they hand you, say you have now absorbed it all. Invite them to test you on it.
As a final statement , Make the speech from the end of Gladiator.
End
I’ll expect to hear stories about your raging success soon.
Remember, a job is just for money, only I can make you a Legend!
GO FORTH AND LEGENDATE!!!!
How to be a Legend at Cyber C*ckblocking
by malkcontent on Nov.28, 2010, under How-to, Legend Behavior, Legend Entertainment, The Lulz
Hello my screaming fans!,
Yes I , your Leader of Legendary have returned to writing for at least the duration of this blog post.
Bold words uttered as I swear to you I will not just cut off in the middle and leave you hanging like a high five denying feminist.
Now onto the basis of the Lesson.
I am assuming most of you will be familiar with the term c*ckblocking?. If you are not, and indeed are so innocent as to fail to riddle out the missing letter then this is the blog post for you!. The missing letter can be deduced from this picture of a woman looking very happy to hold a large one.
She’s loving it!
C*ckblocking is clearly a predominantly masculine pursuit. I’m not even convinced lesbians have a comparable to be quite honest.
Some sort of Goalkeeper analogy would be used I guess.
It’s also something I’ve not had much experience of on a personal level due to the fact I have very little male friends. I’m not sure why this is, I suspect it’s lack of Legendness on their part which causes them to be quite jealous and threatened by how pretty I am. I tell a lie, I actually know full well that’s the reason because I had an independent lab conduct a Controlled Study to see what the issue was.
The full results of that study can be found HERE.
But I digress.
The basic goal is to stop another guy having sexyfuntime with a lady. This can be achieved in a few ways like telling her your mate has herpes, is hung like a sparrow (not Jack) or ,for bonus points, taking her home yourself. Your mate will not be allowed to bear a grudge about this due to it being For The Lulz. Do not be worried about the young lady’s feeling in this regard for by going home so fast with you she has played out her hand as “A Slag” and cannot bear grudge later.
HOWEVER, should the lady only be going home with you because you told her it would be funny since your mate has been buying her drinks all night, you should start a permanent relationship with her as she is clearly made of Legendary stuff as she is also aware of The Lulz.
By this point I expect you to be all up to speed with the general concept.
Any of you frequent users of the internet, or even anyone with a pulse and a mostly working brain, are likely to have some knowledge that the internet contains not a small amount of P*rn. So much in fact that it’s speculated that that is actually what it is for. The idea is not without merit.
There are also some things as web cameras and chat rooms…
At some point someone put those bad boys together and came up with the porny webcam chat room. I’ve went into one of these before. Don’t shame yourself by saying you wouldn’t too when there’s no chance of being caught. I’ll be honest, it was almost 100 % curiosity. A internet legend like myself is more than aware of where to get the best porn and requires none of this “late night phone-in tv girl” crap.
The basic format is everyone has like their name and wee webcam button. There is 90 percent or more males. The rest of the room is (in descending order of appearance):
1. Bots/fakes trying to get credit cards from you
2. VERY unattractive older and/or fat women wanting an ego boost rather than just doing the f*cking work of getting in shape and actually deserving it
3. Attractive Women
4. Attractive women who actually might take a bit of their clothes off. (VERY RARE)
As you can imagine the rooms are filled with guys pure gagging to see some skin or something raunchy. NO IDEA why they don’t just check interwebs for what is now HIGH DEF PORN instead of small grainy webcam footage of a so-so attractive girl. Brilliantly though not all of them speak english too good and so the room is filled with this kind of chat.
“Open your T*ts!”
“I sex you!”
“I 10 inches!”
What you also get is whenever anyone in Cat 4 there happens to show up, the whole f*cking room goes NUTS talking about her and trying to seduce her.
I shall call her “Amber425″ for no reason other than that’s how many Ambers I have tapped. It’s dreadfully dull. You mostly just tuck it away and have a look and a laugh for the next Engrish funny thing that is said and why that was going on someone came in to do some Legendary moves. I have no idea what they are called but it was a massively effective c*ckblock for the whole room. about 80 guys were destroyed by one sentence.
Amber425 had been feeling frisky and she was getting rather naughty. The room was going crazy, she was being pretty touchy feel under her clothes.
She slowly unbuttoned her top…
“Amber425 u r so beautiful please show us your beautifulness beautiful”
The top came off … she’s in the bra….
“Amber425 is the best!!”
“Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425!!!!”
She’s reaching around.. is she going to take the bra off, she’s a bit hesitant… but there’s a glass of wine there been rapidly drunk, the room loves her. She feels empowered.
She takes it off.
“Amber425 I am so lovely at you you beautiful”
“WOOHOO Amber425 !!!”
She stands up. The crowd is upset , they think she’s going, they’re begging her not. Please don’t go Cat4 Amber425!. She’s not. OMG. She’s taking her jeans off, she’s in just her underwear!
THE ROOM GOES MENTAL , there’s loads streaming up as she sits back down. She feels like the sexiest woman ever you can tell, there’s so many guys telling her how amazing she is. Nothings going to stop her from going all the way… she reaches down…
“Amber425 is the best!!”
“Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425!!!!”
“Amber425 I am so lovely at you you beautiful”
“WOOHOO Amber425 !!!”
“FIST THAT SH*T!”
Three things happened.
1. I spat my juice out. (Not a euphamism)
2. Amber425 read it, got a mortified look on her face and turned the cam off.
3. The Room was RAGING!
I have no idea who was that kindred spirit of lulz but I take my hat off to him/her.
This was truly inspiration Legendary behaviour and I hope you all can learn from it.
Don’t worry about the room by the way.
They moved onto some chubby funster who was showing something that was either a breast and nipple…
or a fat roll and blister.
How to be a Legend people – Alopecia Lapsley
by malkcontent on May.31, 2010, under Legend Behavior, Legendary People
When I was a wee guy there used to be a localish radio show in Scotland called Scotty McClues… Radio… Show.. Hour.. or something, doesn’t matter to be too specific. I’ve wasted too much time already on this to be quite honest.
Anyway one of the things that used to happen was you’d get the Under 21′s phoning in because it was that kind of show. Scotty was an old boy but for some reason they’d decided to start phoning his show. I didn’t really listen to Radio, still don’t. Ever. I like to have full control over what I submit my ears to but my friends all listened to it and said was funny so when one of them was over we fired it on. It wasn’t funny. I know funny. I am f*ckin hilarious. I could easily kill those weasels in Roger Rabbit. The only thing I remember was this guy called The Barbarian who used to talk like a total junkie in a fake adulty voice, he’d grow increasingly irate at Scotty saying he knew he was a young guy.
“You insinuatin’ ma age is a lie McClue!?” and so on.
Anyway one of my mates , Lapsley used to listen to it. Now Lapsley was sort of a soft touch guy, he was clearly going to become some sort of accountant. He was very fragile and looked kinda girlish with very fine hair. It was all there but you could see his scalp in a strong enough light, his head looked a bit weirdly shaped to me, like an alien, but I didn’t care because he was my friend. That’s real friendship.
His mum was f*ckin’ mental though right, when winter used to come in primary school (Even wee’r guys) what do you do? , correct, you throw snowballs.
Obviously you throw snowballs.
You’re a kid, It’s snowing. Someones taking a chunk of ice to the face and crying and that’s all there is to it. There might be a snowman made, but the bigger kids from high school would come over to smash them when they came over to throw snowballs at the older kids in primary. They were lot bigger and stronger so it became a bit of a losing range battle all the time but we were game. It’s what you did. Rite of Passage.
Except Lapsley. You couldn’t throw snowballs at Lapsley. Because his mum was watching. Lapsley house was about a half mile away on a hill that overlooked the playground. This could have been coincidence or the rabid beyotch maybe planned it from birth. Hell if I know. She had binoculars Lapsley told us. We thought he was talking sh*t, but checked it with our own wee telescope someone brought in and she actually was doing it! She was quite determined he would forever remain a child in the eyes of the Snow Gods. We figured out she couldn’t see around corners , even with the fabled special attachment, and sconed him on the back of the head with some premium White around the side of the hall, YUS! The Snow Gods will was done.
Anyway fast forward back to the radio days, remember that?
He goes,hesitantly “Did you phone into Scotty McClue last night?”
I said no, I don’t even listen to it. Why?
He wouldn’t tell me at first but I found out.
***
Scotty : “Okay we have our next caller on the line, clearly an under 21, Ram Raider, this is obviously going to be p*sh”
Ram Raider : “Hiya Scotty”
Scotty : “So what are you up to tonight?”
Ram Raider : “Oh well you know Scotty I was just ALOPECIA LAPSLEY !!!! ALOPECIA LAPSLEY!!!!”
*hangs up*
***
How brilliant is that! , I didn’t even know what Alopecia was until that point! *
Alopecia Lapsley with his thin hair. It stuck too. People were getting told he had Alopecia. Some felt sorry for him.
Some took the mick, which I didn’t understand, he had the same amount of hair from before it but now he had Alopecia it was different.
I never found out who did it either. It had to be one of like 4 people too and I knew all of them.
Tell you who also never found out; Lapsley’s mum.
Bet she phoned the school about a billion times wanting everyone rounded up and interrogated.
Sorry luv, yer kid’s got Alopecia and that’s all there is to it.
Bet she finds this page eventually too. No clues here. Sorry. Move on with your life.
Also, you failed, we snowballed him on his Alopecia head.
*Alopecia areata (AA) is a condition affecting humans, in which hair is lost from some or all areas of the body, usually from the scalp.
How to be a Legend with Satanists
by malkcontent on May.30, 2010, under How-to, Legend Behavior, The Lulz
Malk Content
Satanists make me lol hard, Either they don’t believe in God (most likely) in which case they’re atheists trying to sound cool (We’re already cool). Or they believe in God but have chosen to side with the already defeated team.
Michael Cartmell
I was just reading this which mentions Satan: http://www.scribd.com/doc/9212618/using-a-black-mirror-for-scrying-goetia-demons-4
We must be in sync somehow.
Michael Cartmell
For story research, I mean. It’s not my regular Satanic reading time or anything.
Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Oi. Im offended by this. If u think about it rationally, who is the real bad guy.. God has killed millions with his ‘punishing the bad’ tactics. Whereas satan has only killed a handful.
Malk Content
ahahahhahaah high five!
Michael Cartmell
haha
Malk Content
if you think about it rationally then you’re an atheist.
However if you’re meaning in context of the myth, your comment still doesn’t make sense. I never said who was the bad person.I just stated who won and who lost.
Michael Cartmell
i want hard stats on the God:Satan kill ratio.
Malk Content
Well the main source is obviously the work of fiction that is the bible. God drowned the world. That’s Millions. Satan never managed that.
However this just goes to prove my point that they’re siding with a powerless loser, even if they believe the myth.
Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Nobody has ‘lost’ yet. Because to lose, the war has to be over. Which it isnt. And im not an atheist,coz i strongly believe in following the dark lords ways.
Malk Content
Okay so you’re siding with the guy that got pummeled, flung out of heaven into the basement and failed. At everything.
There’s literally no real success stories for Ol Scrotch is there.
And apparently you believe kids stories about magic things.
Malk Content
Plus the dark lord is Voldemort from harry potter.
Who had way more success than Satan. Yet shares his total beatdown.
Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Also, he is only losing due to the fact that so many idiots are drowned with knowledge of god, but are always told that lucifer is the bad guy. When really, he just wanted to be different. Simple as.
Malk Content
Not losing, lost. Tried to take over heaven, got pummeled.
No he lost because if you believe the myth as you do, then you have to accept god made the world, lucifer , can drown it with a thought and is omnipotent.
Nothing tops phenomenal cosmic powers! He’s just not got the juice!
Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
No. The dark lord isnt just frm harry potter. Its the opposite of god.. I.e.. light n goodness n all that shit. And so what if i believe in magic stories. Its better than believing in nothingness..
Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
He. Hasnt. Lost.
Malk Content
I don’t believe in nothingness. I believe in rationality which is what you mentioned previously.
Okay so you’re now repeating that god is light and goodness after saying that he isn’t. No one calls god The Light Lord so calling Not Voldemort , The Dark Lord isn’t really the opposite.
Malk Content
Okay, what’s he won?
He wanted to take over heaven. did he do it. Or did he get slapped about and flung down? Back then he had lot of help to try too, you think anyones wanting to help him after they see what happens when you try to take on an omnipotent being. Course not. He’s the myth equivalent of a hobo on the street saying “I’m scary btw!, hard luck times!”
The only thing I think is mentioned is his wee boy might come and stir up some fuss and hurt people who don’t believe in God after the rapture. So basically, the people god doesn’t want, he’ll torture.
That would be you btw, because God won’t want you.
so the guy you’re supporting will be doing bitch cleanup duty for gods leaving and you’re going to be the tasty french fry he rakes out the dumpster and munches.
So once again we’re left with the conclusion of you backing a loser.
Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Aha. Thats where your wrong. I KNOW people who are devout christians, and refer to god as the god of light and all that is holy. But yeah i no i contradicted myself there, but its coz satan is said to be all the darkness and all that is unholy. He has been portrayed like that for so long that no1 knows any better. So thats why he is the darklord. Lord of darkness is Not just frickin voldermort lol
Malk Content
Where did I say he’s not referred to as light and all holy? I said he wasn’t referred to as The Light Lord.
I also never mentioned anything against The Lord of Darkness. That’s always been associated with Satan. However The Dark Lord, is Voldemort.
I’ve never once mentioned who’s the better or more moral person God or Satan, you keep saying that like it makes a difference. It doesn’t. God has all the Power and can’t lose. Satan has none, has already been pummeled and does God’s dirty work.
Bear in mind, none of that’s real, along with unicorns and pixies.
Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
The whole part of being a satanist is to sacrifice yourself. Thats our way of following. When he rises up, all the satanists will give him their immortal souls, and back his fight.
Michael Cartmell
Personally I’m backing Voldemort
Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
U can believe its not real dude. Thats fine with me, coz im not like a jovo tryin to recruit or anythin lol.
Becca Thompson
The bible states that Satan offered God the world but God turned him down so therefore doesnt Satan own the world? And is it not God who made a virgin pregnant so therefore he must be a rapist, and is it not he who makes war therefore he must be a murderer. And no, I do not follow any one religion, I have my own beliefs. Although I know a little about religious myths or whatever as my partner was raised Catholic.
Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Exactly Becca!
Malk Content
It says God made the world. Kinda makes it his already.
I mean if I say I’ll give you your house and you say “no, It’s already mine” that doesn’t mean I own your house.
I also have to point out that you’re falling into the same trap as her of arguing as to whether God is Good or not. I don’t care and it’s irrelevant. He’s omnipotent and Satan has not only lost but will and knows it so have conned idiots into giving up their souls for his own personal pleasure.
Again, just to be clear. none of it real. Any Religious or Supernatural stuff. All crap.
Becca Thompson
Satanism is actually against harming children, against rape, against animal cruelty, and against violence unless it is in self-defence. Just another little piece of random info. And again, no I am not into any one religion. Just have an open mind and the realisation that everyone has their own beliefs. If we were all the same, the world would be one hell of a boring place to survive.
Carolyn Aubrey Groux
I agree with what you had to say 
even though I am a “nothing” as far as religion goes. oh… and I lol’d at the Harry Potter reference Highly amusing.
Carolyn Aubrey Groux
PS: do you care if i copy this and send it to a friend of mine? I know they will also love it
Michael Cartmell
I don’t think it’s finished yet.
Malk Content
I don’t care about the random info. At no point have I said they do bad things. I have an open mind, that doesn’t mean I can’t look at all the evidence and come to a decision.
New Evidence can change my mind, that’s the definition of an open mind. However no one religious has ANY evidence at all so that’s a non starter.
The Dark Lord is Voldemort.
Michael Cartmell
Actually, Satan was at my door the other day. Trying to offer me my house.
Malk Content
It’ll be up on the site when it’s done. lol.
Malk Content
Tell him you already sold it to Harry Potter, he’ll run away
…
…
DONE!
How to be a legend at Facebook Comment Wars
by malkcontent on May.30, 2010, under How-to, The Lulz
Malk Content
interesting effect and nice picture tho too much background on go i think , Can’t see your eye because of reflection though so ditch.
Frank Morgan Llewelyn Thomas
theres fuck all background its an ausome pic and if u want to see her eyes there just above her nose u fool!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Malk Content
Clearly a great mind at work there. Apparently your picture inspires retarded people who can’t spell. Perhaps you should add it in a collection of special shots for special people.
She’s said in her own comments she wants criticism. I’ve gave her a lot of pretty constructive stuff. However if you feel she can’t speak for herself and should only have vapid praise heaped upon her, continue the discourse. Happy to make you look silly. Which I have.
Marshall Westbrook
Too much black, not enough light, subject centered. drop.
about an hour ago ·
Alexander Christian Steiner
What No way Franks my Boy Come swansea and well fuck you up with the faaaaaams
Ben Ross
He may not bable to spell but u dont need a degree to pull your teeth out with a pair of plyers BITCH !!!!!
Marshall Westbrook
@Frank, you clearly don’t know constructive criticism when you see it. We are doing this as a favor for a friend. I am not sure if you understand big words tho so this statement may be lost on you. @Alex and Ben: Grow up kids, its the internets.
Alexander Christian Steiner
internets T_T
Ben Ross
Al this guy thinks there is more than one internet >.>
Malk Content
haha , awww they’re cute. with their lil threatenings. Like it’s the first time I’ve ever been threatened. I’m terrified.
Get a grip, losers.
Alexander Christian Steiner
Fail
Ben Ross
Slewed
Malk Content
Listen, Ant and Dec, what you need to do is go away and play halo or something and then if she needs some sort of moronic clapping Seal she’ll give you a little tickle and you can line up like you’re blowing sailors at the Docks and just go for it.
Malk Content
P.S. Ben, it saddens me that you think basic spelling is achieved through a degree and not primary school.
Kaela John
Can you all please desist from this, I do not appreciate this petty little comment battle within my pictures. Can you all please act like the mature adults that you are.
Malk Content
I totally am. This is ALWAYS how I act.
Winnin’.
Alexander Christian Steiner
Fuck you keala its on
Ben Ross
Fuck you kaela its on
Leanne East
i flippin love you guys! hahahahahah
Malk Content
Apparently their period has started. Synced up, like most girls who spend lot of time together.
Alexander Christian Steiner
Ok ok kaela it was only a joke but this guys taking it serious T_T
Ben Ross
lol aww Kaela we was only teasing but this guy is taking it seriously LOL >.>
Kaela John
If you all continue, I will disable the comments.
Please can you all stop this. I am asking you all as a friend here.
Malk Content
haha you don’t know me very well friend, wouldn’t assume anything.
Malk Content
That was to dumb and bummer ^
Ben Ross
i aint your friend i dont even know you T_T
about a minute ago ·
Malk Content
Glad we agree noobface.
Didn’t you already tell kaela you’d shut up?
not doing so good. Am I that irresistable?
How to be a Legend Mailbag – Rebound
by malkcontent on May.19, 2010, under Letters, Mailbag
O Great and Powerful Malk
I need to inquire into your legend philosophy.
Well I got dumped then replaced within 3 weeks lol & i really dono if i should just got f*ck it & treat all woman like there beneath me cause i started to give that one to much control near the end arghh lol should i just be myself again or change to be more alpha ?
Rg’s
N00bface
Yo N00bface,
well no you shouldn’t start treating all women badly based on her actions.
Legend philosophy says that you judge each person individually by their choices, your way it’s like saying because a black person stole your shoes, hate all black people.
However you should also learn by your mistakes and not get into the situation of letting someone get that much control; there are usually signs the relationship’s deteriorating
As for the changing the way you act, nah never change dude unless you’re not happy with yourself and acting distinctly unLegendary. Without specifics I don’t know the Legend Level. The fact you’re asking me shows distinct potential though.It can’t have been shit for 14 months, relationships do change the thing is to recognise when you’re not happy, decide if it can be fixed, if not, move on.
As for getting anyone new fast, no point in rebounding dude, don’t let her actions dictate yours.
You’re your own man.Just because she’s got someone new doesn’t mean you need to, also as standard protocol don’t be hanging about with her, chatting about or to her or checking her facebook etc. get her f*cking blocked everywhere too.
There’s no need to pretend to be friends.
Cheers
M
How to be a Legend at Relationship Status Updates
by malkcontent on May.16, 2010, under How-to, Legend Behavior
Pamela went from being “single” to “it’s complicated”
Pamela Rose
is it really so hard to understand when something’s f*cking complicated. f*cking hell!
Malk Content
Wrong way around, It’s the failure to understand it’s simple that makes it complicated.
Pamela Rose
No.
Malk Content
It well is. What’s complicated it then. I mean I genuinely can think of nothing that can’t be explained in a couple sentences
e.g.
They already have a gf/wife/bf (you’re single and the bit on side OR it’s a 3 way relationship)
We can see other people (we’re both single)
They’re far away (still a relationship)
Pamela Rose
None of those.
And nothing i care to discuss either.
It is complicated.
Malk Content
They’re a paraplegic ?
In Prison ?
In a coma?
Underage?
old enough to be your dad/mom?
Related to you?
A non human Animal?
Pamela Rose
No.
Malk Content
Invisible ?
Blind?
In Psychiatric care?
An Ex?
Edward from Twilight ?
Pamela Rose
No.
Malk Content
They’ve got a disease they’re dying from ?
They’re in the mirror?
They’re of an ethnic origin your parents wouldn’t approve?
They’re a religion your parents or friends wouldnt’ approve?
They’re a He-She with a limp ?
Pamela Rose
No.
Malk Content
Well it really doesn’t sound complicated.
Sounds really easy.
Learn to be a Legend.
I’ll train you.
Pamela Rose
I don’t want f*cking drama and i’m not being used. I’ve set my status to exactly how it is. Complicated. That’s it. Neither single nor in a relationship. So obviously you wouldn’t know seeing as you don’t know me and you have no idea about what is going on.
Malk Content
There’s no middle ground lol, You can f*ck other people or you can’t. Single or not.
Pamela Rose
F*cking hasn’t got anything to do with it.
Malk Content
Really does lol.
What’s complicated about it then, cmon, you’re making the claim in public that it’s complicated so should at least give some kind of gist as to what’s complicated about it. If it’s none of the ones I said.
Is it just that you want to be exclusive but he’s wanting to bang other people so you have that but he’s left his blank
Pamela Rose
It’s NONE of your business whatsoever.
Why should i give some jist? Because people want to be nosy? I don’t think so . I have nothing more to say on that matter.
Malk Content
Because you made it public duh, lol, That’s what happens. If it’s not my , or any of your friends list business that somethings “complicated”, you shouldn’t have put publicly that it was there obviously.
Is it him/her wanting it all on the down low, keeping his options open?
Pamela Rose
It’s not really public when my profile is set to private. You just happen to be on my list. And yeah, there are people i’d tell, so therefore there is no “shouldn’t” about it.
Why must this him/her have to be the one keeping their options open anyway? You seem to like this idea alot. lmfao.
Malk Content
Well there’s no reason for you to make change. Or is that what it is , you’re leading him about a bit and just keeping him quiet the now.
But either way it’s still not complicated, you’re just single and keeping him on short leash.
So I’m still right
********
She removed me from friends list at this point and took it to PM
********
Pamela Rose
How f*cking dare you. You don’t know me. So you have no idea what i’m like.
Don’t be such a c*nt. You have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m keeping no one on a short leash thank you very much.
So kindly butt out.
Malkcontent
Ahh that one well got a reaction, that one is it haha
Pamela Rose
as i said. No.
Malk Content
Either way, it’s not complicated in the slightest and you know it really.
It’s all just drama
Pamela Rose
It’s not really drama at all thank you.
If i knew it was simple, I wouldn’t have changed my status :’)
What’s it to you anyway?
Malk Content
I don’t know what that smiley means. Some sort of retard face I assume.
Always interested in stamping out the “It’s complicated” b*llshit wherever I find it.
It’s always b*llshit and not complicated.
TOTALLY BLANK BECAUSE SHE BLOCKED ME AT THIS POINT!
More like you’re full of b*llshit. Clearly trying to be nosy. Have you really nothing better to do?
Oh gosh, you used the word retard. OH how offended i really am. Hahaha.
Just leave me alone, and keep your nose out. I didn’t ask for your advice, therefore there was no need to say anything. AT ALL. Goodbye.
What.
A.
Drama Queen.
How to be a legend review: Les Miserables
by malkcontent on May.09, 2010, under Legend Behavior, Legend Entertainment
Okay so I got these tickets for Les Miserables. I thought it was going to be a show about some sad lesbians who can only get happy with having themselves some girl on girl action.
This is not the case. I seen Les Miz (Les is pronounced “Le”, no I don’t know why you’d stick an ”s” on the end when there’s no need either, that’s the French for you.) at the Edinburgh Playhouse. I can call it Les Miz now because I’ve seen it and am all cultured and stuff, don’t you try it, you’ll sound pretentious.
There’s a few different reviews of it, or the movie, play, the soundtrack, the wikipedia entry. It seems it’s reasonably well known however those are all written by people with unknown Legend qualifications whereby this one isn’t going to be. So jack all those other reviews in, sit down and listen up and I shall pour How to be a Legend culture into your eyes.
In a moment I shall explain the plot and the storyline, there will be spoilers but honestly if you’re going to go see this, see if for the spectacle of it. The story is not something that’s going to really pull you in, written as it was by a clearly drunk cheese-eater. First off I shall go over the good bits.
The good bits : Everything except the story. Seriously, it’s awesome, the singing is fantastic, the costumes, the acting, the makeup effects, the lighting , the dancing and the sets. All are just really really well done and you can smell the quality two fingers deep. Everyones well into it so much they’re frothing at the mouth and firing spit at each other as they talk. No wonder there’s a fine net over the orchestra, they’d be getting drowned.
Now onto the plot of the story. This is from memory and so you might think I’m rememberng wrong. I’m pretty sure I’m not. The version I seen had Gareth Gates in it too, apparently he’s some wee stuttering dude who won that Prick Idol show.
It starts off opening scene on a boat. There’s all these chained dirty blighters having a bit of a row. They’re singing about it, they’re sad. There’s a lot of sad in this movie incidently: Note title. Anyway they finish their song and the captain guy who’s a policeman turns out get one of them pulledup and dragged forward onto his knees. He goes “..” Actually just a note, this is a musical so all the dialogue is sung. I will be paraphrasing whenever someone has to speak. Ok, back to the review. He goes “Oi Bawjaws, you’ve finished being a prisoner now, so get off my boat. Here’s your papers that says you’re a scabby dog of a man who’s been rowing a boat. Don’t forget me, now toddle off”. So the guy leaves the boat with his pack on a stick sorta thing.
Now this boys name is Jean Val Jean. Rubbish name. JVJ from now on. Turns out he’s been rowing a boat for 15 years because he stole a loaf of bread as his peeps were hungry, then tried to run away and the police didn’t like that (as they are want not to). He cuts about a bit and doesn’t get much of a job because his papers say he’s a dirty thieving rowboat operator. He takes a mental and punches a guy too. He’s quite a burly bearded guy. JVJ, not the dude. So then he’s wandering about hungry and a priest takes him in and gives him some food. JVJ waits until they’re asleep and nicks the silverwear, chortling away to himself but he’s caught about 4 feet from the door. He gets dragged the 4 feet back to the door and the police go “This boy’s nicked yer cutlery mate”. The priest goes “nah it’s a present, forgot to give him these candlesticks, here grab these as well”. Then once the police go away the priest is like “Listen, ya beardy loser, you need to smarten up your act, sell those , make something of yourself”. No mention of wanting to bum him or anything by the way. So JVJ feels all emo about this and is like “Oh I’m such a d*ck*. I’m going to sort myself out.” He then rips up the papers that say he’s a prisoner and bolts away into the night.
That scene ends and people clap.
Okay now we fastforward on a bit and there’s a woman who works in a sewing factory or something and her boss is trying to fire into her and she’s always telling him no, so the other ladies don’t like her and think she’s up herself. They find out she’s got a kid and sends money to this couple who keeps the kid for her on the sly and they give her a total shaming for it and the manager goes mental. The mayor of the town who owns the factory pops in, surprise inspection and that. ohohoh who’s this, it’s that cheeky rascal JVJ, done alright for himself, shiny buttons and everything. He’s giving it “right settle down, i’m heading off, manager guy deal with this and be nice”. Manager guy doesn’t and sacks the girl who I can’t remember her name. We’ll call her Blondie. She’s well upset cos the note says her kids sick so she needs money. So she sells her necklace, her actual hair and becomes a prostitute. This happens in the space of like 10 minutes.
JVJ comes by as she’s getting arrested for attacking some guy who’s wanting a freebie. He’s all “Aw naw, this is my fault, leave her alone police chaps, I’m the mayor. “ So she’s quite wounded and he sends her off to the hospital.
JUST THEN A RUNAWAY CART SMASHES ON and lands on some guy. so JVJ takes his coat off and lists the whole cart with the barrells and everything. Turns out one of the policemen, or rather the chief of them is the old boat policeman who is called Javert. He goes ” That was impressive barrell lifting, I only knew one guy could lift barrells like that, a prisoner called Jean Val Jean!”. I kid you not, THAT was what tipped Cleuso here off. Not the fact it’s the same face and build or anything. JVJ goes “… Aye?”. Javert goes “Aye, but you cant be him, i’ve chased him ten years and found him the other day so we’re gonna hang him”. OOOO the drama!.
Fast forward a little bit.
JVJ goes to court. Says “I’m JVJ, not that saggy sack of crap there, check out the tattoo but you’ll need to check it out quick cos gbye!” and runs out court. He runs to hospital , visits Blondie, finds out about the kid and says he’ll look after it. She dies. Clueso shows up at the door saying “I’m well arresting you”. JVJ says “No you’re not, I’ve got to look after the kid”, kicks his ass and runs out.
That scene ends and people clap.
I’m going to speed this up a bit now.
Open on a pub run by a fatty with huge beasts hanging out the place and a slimey weasel looking guy with tache. Now known as Tache and Fatty. These are the girls parents, she’s like 8 or so I think. Her names Cosette . They’re bad to her and good to their own daughter Eponine. I had to look these names up. JVJ shows up with a letter from the mum, gives them cash, then f*cks off with the girl. He’s got money but is on the run from the police obviously. Not the most sable of environments but probably a step up.
That scene ends and people clap.
Fast forward some years. Tache and Fatty are living on the streets with Eponine, she’s got a well dressed young male friend called Marius. He bangs into some guy and his daughter, it’s JVJ! and Cosette. Marius and Cosette look at each other and want to bang. They claim it’s love, but obviously there’s no way it can be since all they’ve done is look at each other. Blazing idiocy since it’s clearly a total lust thing with no conversation.
That scene ends and people clap…. except they don’t because it’s not a proper scene end bit. ONE person clapped for like 6 claps, everyone else was watching the play and then everyone was just looking at him so he obviously stopped with some raging shame going on hahaha. It was totally all Not another Teen Movie. I was laughing my ar*e off in the middle of the theatre. What a complete chimp. He then tried it AGAIN a scene later, 3 people joined in with him this time but still a bit of a small team. Everyone was a bit timid about getting the clap going after that. It was kind of a “well, will we now? … i will if you will” affair.
Eponine (EP from now on) wants Marius but he sees her as his dirty street friend so she’s no chance. JVJ and Cos were well rich looking. Marius asks EP to find out who it is. Something to note that despite being the biological daughter of two completely white parents, Eponine is rather obviously “black” or however you like to say it. No offence but that’s PC too far. It’s ridiculous since we’ve already established that she is def their biological daughter based on how they treat the stepkid! Now I’m not saying she’s not very talented, I’m just saying let’s not get to the stage of saying “I’m so liberal I can beat basic biology!, minds so open its changing the ethnicticity of my children”. Not happening is it.
Javert shows up and JVJ flees the scene….
Really JVJ ?… you REALLY went back to the same city the guy works in? I mean, you’re loaded, she’s got no ties, you can go anywhere and be alright and you decided to go back to the same city the guy who knows you is hunting you from?… Not smart JVJ.. not smart at all. Downright foolish.
EP finds out where she lives, JVJ starts packing, Marius shows up and finds Cos, she takes him upstairs to her bedroom after exchanging names. She, like her mum, is not slow to get down to the business it seems. What. A . Slag.
Marius goes off when JVJ shows up since he doesn’t want his ass handed to him. He’s clearly thought to himself “that guy looks like he can lift a wagon like no one else, I’m not messing”.
He runs off, JVJ finds out they’re “in love” and is all “aww, but I’m shifting her”. Marius runs off to meet his young mates who are having a revolution in the street but just on their own because their leader is an absolute idiot who just assumed if they got some rifles and flung a bit of junk in the street, hid behind it and said “We’re free now” that the whole city would rally behind them instead of the police just battering them stupid with muskets and sticks. JVJ shows up to help them out and keep Marius safe. He does so but everyone else gets well stabbed up and killed. During this Javert gets caught but JVJ lets him go. Javert says cheer but that he’s still going to rattle his head if he gets the chance. JVJ says “no probs mate”. EP also dead.
Marius and Cos get together, that’s all happy and stuff, not much going on there. Javert catches JVJ but lets him go. Then he’s all emo and sh*t on a bridge “oh I’ve betrayed my duty, I am a penis” and a robot sneaks up behind him to push him off. Least it looked that way to me on the left. I got quite excited and thought it was taking a War of the Worlds type shift but turns out it was to make it look like he was falling when he jumped off. This didn’t actualy work from my angle but would have from the front I think.
JVJ dies from being old and goes off with the ghost of blondie, even though once again they barely know each other but JVJ knows she puts out.
That’s pretty much it.
Oh yeah at JVJ said to Javert twice during the thing that he’d come back and turn himself in. Totally didn’t do it. Ripped the pish right out of him there. What you thinking Javert, the boys made a clear career out of running away from the police?!
Loser, probably got lost on the way down off the bridge..
-
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