How to be a Legend

How Not To Be a Legend at Movies – New Releases 01/01/10ish

Okay I’ve seen a few movies recently that are bad, disappointingly so. I’d go even further and say in one case in particular it was closer to just plain soul destroying. I don’t believe in souls but if it I did I’d presently be sitting here considering it to have been completely and thoroughly wrecked.

The following words will contain what is known as spoilers. This means it tells you things about the movies not usually known in the trailers or whatever.

That is completely academic though because none of you b*tches should be going to see these atrocities at the cinema even if they were still available and if you’ve only rented it on DVD you’ll turn it off after a few minutes once you realise that once again I am right.

I’m always right.

I’m doing them in reverse order of horrendousness. There’s other crap movies out there but these ones have really pushed the boat out in terms of making you thoroughly regret leaving the house.

A Serious Man

This is a Coen brothers movie. That’s the guys who brought you Fargo, The Hudsucker Proxy,Bad Santa, Burn after Reading and The Big Lebowski. The last of which is a genuine Legendary movie and will be on the list. So I was expecting something decent really. Quirky characters, cheeky dialogue and a small element of confusion was on my menu.

However despite what I actually ordered what I got was a wee Jewish guy getting b*ttfucked for an hour and a half. (Haven’t they suffered enough?). This movie is apparently a retelling of the Tale of Job from the most well known fiction book in the world, The Bible. Basically the God and The Devil have a wager or something that God can bully and beat up some guy called Job… Ya know what, I don’t like the name Job. I’ll pretend to be a church leader for a second and just edit church doctrine to suit my own agenda….

The God and the Devil have a wager or something God can bully and beat up some guy called Chip and at the end of it , Chip will still be loving God no worries. It’s a morality story I’m told to instruct that God likes showing off and will randomly sh*t on his best followers just for the lulz. I would never do that by the way, which is why God’s given it all up and started worshipping me

The guy in this movie I can’t even remember the name of gets random bad stuff happening to him while he tries to see various rabbis. Nothing actually happens that’s terribly funny. I’d like to pick out some highlights of something decent that happened but the movie isn’t really working with me on that one. Then it just ends. P*sh.

If you really want to see a Jewish guy get screwed over for hours then still don’t see this. See Schindlers List or something, it’s black and white like in The Olden Days. Pretty sure it even has a point and, like Star Wars, is based on actual history.

3 stars only if you know your religious fiction.

Daybreakers

I was expecting quite a lot from this movie. It’s a vampire apocalypse type movie where most of the population are vampires and the rest are food and kept in huge storage things like the matrix. This prompted some very VERY lazy reviewers to say it was a cross between Blade and The Matrix. It’s nothing like either of those movies d*ckwad!.

The main character is a vampire who’s sad he’s a vampire and is also a haematologist. A blood guy. He’s been trying to make a synthetic blood for like 3 years or something so that they can stop hurting and treating humans like cattle. The other reason is there’s not enough food (people) to last another month really so everyone is starving to death and turning into weird f*cked up looking vampires that are all mutated and batty. It’s kind of annoying writing this synopsis because it still sounds awesome, it’s even got Willem Dafoe in it!.

So why is it really cr*p?

It’s boring. That’s the long and short of it. Everyone seems really dull, even the main character. It doesn’t come across as terrifically believable and I’m not sure but I’m pretty sure a case could be made that the dude is the worst haematologist in the world. He’s f*cking about for years trying to sort synthetic blood and can’t do it, he f*cks off to get cosy with the humans and his assistant cracks it in two weeks!. Plus turns out you can change back to a human if you get just the right amount of burning by the Sun but then, even easier, if a vampire drinks the blood of such a turnback, it turns into a human again also. This comes as a big surprise later in the movie even though I’m reasonably sure that any haematologist worth his salt would think of mixing the returned human’s blood with some vampire blood to see what happens. We’ve already established that he’s totally useless in his chosen profession though. Still at least he’s not a total whiny boring wimp. Ah no, he is.

There’s a lot of chat in this movie. I don’t mean good quality dialogue either. I mean chat.

Chat: The opposite of banter or “fun and exciting cheeky conversation”. The kind of talking you do with store assistants when buying a bag of peanuts.

It felt like it was about 3 hours long, but it was only hour and half I think.

It’s only getting two stars due to the sheer botched potential of it.

The Road

Finally we are here. The worst movie I have seen in a long time, even more than the above two movies I’ve shredded. Viggo Morteson and his son are in a post apocalyptic world in a struggle to survive. The real struggle to survive was me to survive to watch the end of this movie, in a desperate bid to see if something,anything, would happen. There’s basically like 4 things going on in this movie and then it just repeats. There’s bands of cannibal rapists cutting about. Sounds pretty exciting right ? Correct!, so they’re barely in it. No need for thrills in this movie, nope not when we can have…

1. Long panoramic shots of rusty cars and bleak landscapes, looking very grey and brown, accompanied by a weary Viggo talking in a monotone voice about how sad everything is but how he’s chugging on, for the sake of the boy. There’s a good 3-4 of these sequences. All dull, bleak and depressing.
2. Shot of him and the boy scrounging a living with food. Again a good 3-4 of these. With them shivering or making *isn’t this good* faces at each other over the fire, the boy asking irritating stupid questions because he’s 10 and that’s what they do.
3. Viggo telling the boy they have to get moving along the road. There’s a lot of that. I thought the boy would get the gist of the idea pretty early. They’ve apparently been f*cking about for some years.
4. Flashbacks to Viggo and his missus back in the day and at the start. She walks away to die in the snow and tells Viggo to go south to the coast because its warmer. Pretty sensible advice from Suicide Suzie all in all.

Viggo gets naked a couple times too, to show how scrawny and starving he is and that he’s a real actor. It’s minging. At one point he starts messing around with a gold ring and I thought he’d got mixed up what movie he was in. So they’re basically spending the whole movie going south to the beach. Common themes include Viggo training the boy to last on his own because he’s not going to be around forever and the boy never listening and just having friendly chat with whatever total freaks happen to be cutting about.

They get to the beach and Viggys coughing loads. Dies. Leaving the boy alone. Boy meets a guy (that is Guy Pearce who’s already done some cannibalism in his time) who has a family and they’ve apparently been following him the whole time and waiting for him to be alone. Despite them actually telling him these things that make them sound like the Rapist Brady Bunch the boy decides to stay with them. Hooking up minutes after his dads scrawny ass died.

Everyone in this movie is absolutely f*cking stinking looking too. It’s authentic that way, they look totally unwashed and scummy as anything. They’d not be invited to a garden party for sure.

On top of this everything is just so absolutely depressing and hopeless you really can’t feel much sympathy for either of the main characters. I mean genuinely what is the bloody point of it when you’re going to be dead soon, chances are in a horrific way.

I just wanted this movie to end after about 10 minutes, instead I spent what felt like two hours being raped by a Dementor. I was cheering the cannibal rapists to get ahold of them and just kill them because I wanted the movie to be over so much.

Minus stars.

All these movies share a couple of common things wrong with them I’ve since realised after writing this. It’s all dull characters that you don’t care about if they die, in fact because of how boring they’ve managed to make things that should be actually good in the movie you just want them to fail and die to get things over and done with.

I watch these movies so you don’t have to, but some people who don’t realise how completely Legend I am will still want to check them out and you should go fill your boots and do that. However when you’re about 10-15 minutes into them and getting the terrible feeling I’m right, just leave then, I am.

It’s not going to get better.

Remember , reviews are opinions and not fact. Except my reviews. These movies all suck.

FACT.