How to be a Legend

When I was a wee guy there used to be a localish radio show in Scotland called Scotty McClues… Radio… Show.. Hour.. or something, doesn’t matter to be too specific. I’ve wasted too much time already on this to be quite honest.

Anyway one of the things that used to happen was you’d get the Under 21′s phoning in because it was that kind of show.  Scotty was an old boy but for some reason they’d decided to start phoning his show. I didn’t really listen to Radio, still don’t. Ever. I like to have full control over what I submit my ears to but my friends all listened to it and said was funny so when one of them was over we fired it on.  It wasn’t funny. I know funny. I am f*ckin hilarious.  I could easily kill those weasels in Roger Rabbit. The only thing I remember was this guy called The Barbarian who used to talk like a total junkie in a fake adulty voice, he’d grow increasingly irate at Scotty saying he knew he was a young guy.

“You insinuatin’ ma age is a lie McClue!?” and so on.

Anyway one of my mates , Lapsley used to listen to it. Now Lapsley was sort of a soft touch guy, he was clearly going to become some sort of accountant. He was very fragile and looked kinda girlish with very fine hair. It was all there but you could see his scalp in a strong enough light, his head looked a bit weirdly shaped to me, like an alien, but I didn’t care because he was my friend. That’s real friendship.

His mum was f*ckin’ mental though right, when winter used to come in primary school (Even wee’r guys) what do you do? , correct, you throw snowballs.
Obviously you throw snowballs.
You’re a kid, It’s snowing. Someones taking a chunk of ice to the face and crying and that’s all there is to it. There might be a snowman made, but the bigger kids from high school would come over to smash them when they came over to throw snowballs at the older kids in primary. They were lot bigger and stronger so it became a bit of a losing range battle all the time but we were game. It’s what you did.  Rite of Passage.

Except Lapsley. You couldn’t throw snowballs at Lapsley.  Because his mum was watching. Lapsley house was about a half mile away on a hill that overlooked the playground. This could have been coincidence or the rabid beyotch maybe planned it from birth. Hell if I know.  She had binoculars Lapsley told us. We thought he was talking sh*t, but checked it with our own wee telescope someone brought in and she actually was doing it!  She was quite determined he would forever remain a child in the eyes of the Snow Gods.  We figured out she couldn’t see around corners , even with the fabled special attachment, and sconed him on the back of the head with some premium White around the side of the hall, YUS! The Snow Gods will was done.

Anyway fast forward back to the radio days, remember that?
He goes,hesitantly “Did you phone into Scotty McClue last night?”
I said no, I don’t even listen to it. Why?

He wouldn’t tell me at first but I found out.

***

Scotty : “Okay we have our next caller on the line, clearly an under 21, Ram Raider, this is obviously going to be p*sh”

Ram Raider : “Hiya Scotty”

Scotty : “So what are you up to tonight?”

Ram Raider : “Oh well you know Scotty I was just ALOPECIA LAPSLEY !!!! ALOPECIA LAPSLEY!!!!”

*hangs up*

***

How brilliant is that! , I didn’t even know what Alopecia was until that point! *
Alopecia Lapsley with his thin hair. It stuck too. People were getting told he had Alopecia.  Some felt sorry for him.
Some took the mick, which I didn’t understand, he had the same amount of hair from before it but now he had Alopecia it was different.

I never found out who did it either. It had to be one of like 4 people too and I knew all of them.
Tell you who also never found out; Lapsley’s mum.
Bet she phoned the school about a billion times wanting everyone rounded up and interrogated.

Sorry luv, yer kid’s got Alopecia and that’s all there is to it.

Bet she finds this page eventually too. No clues here. Sorry. Move on with your life.

Also, you failed, we snowballed him on his Alopecia head.

*Alopecia areata (AA) is a condition affecting humans, in which hair is lost from some or all areas of the body, usually from the scalp.