How to be a Legend

No idea how many parts of this there will be and this might not be as funny as usual but here we go anyway ! It’s a proper adult type advice and legendhood column for you, my happy readers.

I’ve been working on  hypothesis for a while now about why people don’t lose weight and diet books etc all fail. I threw a quick, pretty unscientific survey out in an open question and got the answers I expected. The reason I’m qualified to fix this is that I’ve genuinely done the big weight loss and maintained it thing without special surgery and so on, and I’m also a bit of a dick.  That’s important. SHOCK AND AWE, BABY, SHOCK AND AWE!.

Now many of you reading this want to lose weight, tone up, however you want to call it, might have tried it plenty before but never succeeded so I’m going to help you. Many of you reading this will have a smartphone, if not , use the PC version.

Before we go annnnny further, I want you to download and sign up for something called “Evernote”. It’s a very simple program that lets you make notes and put tags so you can track it and such.
Okay so do that now.

Did you do it ?

Lot of you probably didn’t.
So here’s my question… What the F*CK are you playing at?
Seriously, you’re reading this because you want to lose weight and you’re ALREADY making excuses and procrastinating, you’re wasting my time and yours.  DO IT NOW!

That’s why you’re not getting where you want btw, weight or otherwise. It’s not a magic diet needed or a pill or a procedure or your glands or anything f*cking else. It’s excuses and procrastination.

Here’s some favourites

“I’ll go to the gym later”.

Used as an excuse to eat something you shouldn’t or to put off going to the gym.
Solution: PUT DOWN THE FORK!, nah but seriously, don’t eat it.

Here’s the new deal you make with yourself, you look at the calories of it and for every 100 you do 10 minutes hard cardio in the gym. That’s how hard it is to burn off btw.  It’s 3600 for a lb of fat too. So that means 6 hours hard cardio to burn off 1 lb of fat or nearly forty minutes to burn off a chocolate bar.
Insane isn’t it?
But if you still want to do it, then do it FIRST.  That’s your new cheating on your goal deal, you want to eat crap that is against your goal, you HAVE to do the work FIRST.  That’s the absolute rule.  You follow it , just that and a few things happen. You don’t eat the crap, you do go to the gym and after it, you feel so good you don’t want the crap. It’s much easier to just eat less calories than to try to work it off in the gym, trust me on that.  Gym is for a bit of fitness.  80/20 eating /gym for weight loss. Later (part 2) I’m going to cover the top mistakes rookies make in losing weight.

As for putting it off later, here’s the next new goal breaking deal. You go to the gym and get changed into your gym clothes. If you STILL want to not do it , you get changed and go back.  You won’t btw, you’ll work out and probably enjoy it too once you’re there but if you don’t fine , you’ll walk back out. Just, go first? , take you like twenty – twenty five  minutes probably tops.  If it’s taking you more than that, get a different gym, even if it’s not as equipped.  You’ll still go more. Convenience counts a lot.

“I’ve been to the gym so I can have a little treat”

Solution – HAH! , read the math above and WEEP my friend, you have done nothing even close that will cover your little “treat”.   Also, stop making FOOD treats, chubs.  Save up the money you’d spend on these fatty, goal destroying “treats” and buy yourself new clothes when you’ve slimmed down.  New clothes are a great treat as it’s a genuine reward for achievement. That wouldn’t have fit you before, and it won’t fit you if you slip back, so don’t be a dumbass.  If you want chocolate, fried crap etc, you don’t want to lose weight. They are mutually exclusive like Hitler and Jews. That is not a mixer party that is going to work, so just throw that idea out the window.

“I don’t seem to be losing any so stuff it”

Solution – That’s why you’ve got evernote. Measure yourself and take your weight at the same time and on the same scale. you’ll be able to track. Occaisonally weight will stall. Stick with the reduced calories and moderate exercise, it will go.  You have to have willpower here to keep going.  It can’t fight physics so just beat it down until it goes.

“A friend offered it”

Solution – And you say no.  That’s all there is too it. You need to get angry about this. Seriously it’s completely rude. It’s genuinely no different than offering pints of beer to an alcoholic but, much like an alcoholic , it’s still your responsibility to say no.  Don’t argue, don’t offer an excuse. Just. Say. No.  if you like say “No I’m losing weight, I don’t care if you think I need to, I want to, let’s move on with the conversation”.  People often buy others food cos they want to eat crap themselves, don’t be their puppet!.

“I don’t have time”

Solution – … you don’t have time to do what?  it takes just as much time to buy a healthy option sandwich as it does a big bacony fatty so shut up with that crap.

Okay there are more and if you have specific ones, mail me, I’ll add if relevant, there is a contact form it’s annoymous.

Oh , and as a final hint for now, DONT go killing urself in the gym at the start of weightloss. Focus on the mental game of eating properly (little meals spaced out, add up the calories, don’t make excuses). It’s way more important and the gym will come later.  3 times a week for an hour is more than sufficient. Don’t go mental either , get a sweat up, get ur heartrate up, do some stretching. We’ll cover stage two after you lose, say , half a stone.

And stop making crappy stupid excuses. You know what you want, so do it.

It’s the Legend way.

like this.

Alright Troops?!

Well here I am, with yet another shining beacon of sheer AWESOMENESS in your foggy land of p*sh.
This time you’re about to receive everything you need to know to get the job of your dreams. Obama was selling kebabs before he read an earlier draft of this.

Prep Work

Let us begin at the start, which is my favourite place to begin, ALWAYS, that is a top tip for you immediately.  Print this out, then write it down, reading from your printed out copy. It’s that important.  Don’t begin at the end, it spoils everything and you’ll lose complete track of the narrative.  Okay so , oh yeah I remember, your C.V..

C.V. stands for Chanceofajob Veryslim, but we’ll change slim for win. See what I did there? No? go back and re read it. I’ll wait… yeah ?  YEAH! Now we’re talking! Now you need to remember dozens of non Legends are going for these jobs and people who work in H.R. (i.e. Women) get confused easily by any number bigger than 10. This is an evolutionary thing because they only have that many nails to paint before switching and resetting the count.  <citation needed>.

So out of all that chaff , how do we present our wheat?.  First off, don’t write C.V. or anything like it on it. They might be H.R. but they’re not that f*cking stupid that they have no idea what it is they’re looking at. Imagine if Twilight books had “This is Sh*t” written on all of them ? Exactly, there is no need. It’s just obvious and well known.

Next , write your contact details on there, so they know who you are and where to find you.  In my case I just have “Malk Content” written and they know just to shine the Malksignal up into the sky and I’ll pop them a text.  Follow this up by your newest job and all the b*tching stuff you do there. You may have to big up your accomplishments a bit and make them sound better. E.g.

I make coffee – Refreshment Technician and Customer Service Agent.
I drive a bin lorry – Sanitation Pilot
I am a prostitute – I am an expensive prostitute

Then list your skills and talents and qualifications in some sort of order, make the most impressive at top, they’re going to get distracted by something shiny or shoes or just space off or something or decide to wander off and harass a real employee for doing f*ck all wrong like the hellb*tches they are.

Some things will never be considered a skill no matter how good you are at doing them so don’t put them down. E.g.

Masturbating
Belching
The Shocker

The Shocker should be though.

The Interview

You are OBVIOUSLY going to get an interview thanks to the above, so here’s how it will go.
They may give you a technical test or some other kind of test based on what job it is.  A common one is an In Tray Exercise which is sorting the priority of some nonsense. Look for anything that says Exec and put that first. Then just f*cking bin the rest, you’re too busy dealing with important Exec stuff to worry about that crap. You’re their right hand person, Grima Wormtongue style.

You’ll probably be interviewed by 2 people, most common number, it’s important to figure out which one is the dominent hirer and which one is the monkey along to make up numbers so that no one says its unfair they hired their mate Jimmy. (Side Note: If they have got a mate along for interview, you’ll need to push them down the stairs to exclude them from the running.)

Sadly, you’ll not know who is the DH first greeting, so you’ll need to do the following for both, as they walk over to greet you for the first time they will try to shake your hand, move into it one at a time and firmly grasp their hand then crush it. Crush it hard. Show them your power. This is especially important if you are a woman, crush them with your tiny fragile hands.  Look them in the eye while doing it, let them know you smell their fear.

Once this is established the rest is a piece of cake.  They’ll ask you banal and stupid questions like “Name a time you were sad about something at work”. They don’t want the real answer “Most of the time I am sad, I want paid for lounging about having a sleepy”, they want a Situation, Action and a Result.

Situation – “The building was burning so I was sad”

Action – “I got everyone out of the building and then put out the fire by urinating on it”

Result – “I was a hero, everyone loved me, millions saved”

Try to always end on a win too. It’s all about Legend behaviour at these things.  If you don’t have one that’s true then just lie, Lying is a very good skill to develop for these things. It is both expected and encouraged.

and fun.

Finally they will ask you do you have any questions. Do not ask about any deformaties they have or recent troubles mentioned in the paper or who that sexy beyotch was who showed you in and is she up for being Shocked because you’re excellent at it and feel it should be on your C.V.
Instead you want to ask about progression, this makes it look like you’re wanting to stick around and so on. “How long before I’m you pair of clown’s manager then? ” or something similar.

Quick Tips:

Wash
Sit with your legs spread open, this gives them a good waft of your musk. Even more effective as a woman with male interviewers or lesbo.
If you feel you are losing them, challenge to an arm wrestle.
Win at arm wrestling
Eat any sheet of paper they hand you, say you have now absorbed it all. Invite them to test you on it.
As a final statement , Make the speech from the end of Gladiator.

End

I’ll expect to hear stories about your raging success soon.
Remember, a job is just for money, only I can make you a Legend!

GO FORTH AND LEGENDATE!!!!

Hello my screaming fans!,
Yes I , your Leader of Legendary have returned to writing for at least the duration of this blog post.
Bold words uttered as I swear to you I will not just cut off in the middle and leave you hanging like a high five denying feminist.

Now onto the basis of the Lesson.

I am assuming most of you will be familiar with the term c*ckblocking?. If you are not, and indeed are so innocent as to fail to riddle out the missing letter then this is the blog post for you!.  The missing letter can be deduced from this picture of a woman looking very happy to hold a large one.
She’s loving it!

C*ckblocking is clearly a predominantly masculine pursuit. I’m not even convinced lesbians have a comparable to be quite honest.
Some sort of Goalkeeper analogy would be used I guess.
It’s also something I’ve not had much experience of on a personal level due to the fact I have very little male friends. I’m not sure why this is, I suspect it’s lack of Legendness on their part which causes them to be quite jealous and threatened by how pretty I am. I tell a lie, I actually know full well that’s the reason because I had an independent lab conduct a Controlled Study to see what the issue was.
The full results of that study can be found HERE.

But I digress.

The basic goal is to stop another guy having sexyfuntime with a lady. This can be achieved in a few ways like telling her your mate has herpes, is hung like a sparrow (not Jack) or ,for bonus points, taking her home yourself. Your mate will not be allowed to bear a grudge about this due to it being For The Lulz. Do not be worried about the young lady’s feeling in this regard for by going home so fast with you she has played out her hand as “A Slag” and cannot bear grudge later.
HOWEVER, should the lady only be going home with you because you told her it would be funny since your mate has been buying her drinks all night, you should start a permanent relationship with her as she is clearly made of Legendary stuff as she is also aware of The Lulz.

By this point I expect you to be all up to speed with the general concept.

Any of you frequent users of the internet, or even anyone with a pulse and a mostly working brain, are likely to have some knowledge that the internet contains not a small amount of P*rn.  So much in fact that it’s speculated that that is actually what it is for.  The idea is not without merit.
There are also some things as web cameras and chat rooms…

At some point someone put those bad boys together and came up with the porny webcam chat room.  I’ve went into one of these before.  Don’t shame yourself by saying you wouldn’t too when there’s no chance of being caught. I’ll be honest, it was almost 100 % curiosity. A internet legend like myself is more than aware of where to get the best porn and requires none of this “late night phone-in tv girl” crap.

The basic format is everyone has like their name and wee webcam button.  There is 90 percent or more males.  The rest of the room is (in descending order of appearance):

1. Bots/fakes trying to get credit cards from you

2. VERY unattractive older and/or  fat women wanting an ego boost rather than just doing the f*cking work of getting in shape and actually deserving it

3. Attractive Women

4. Attractive women who actually might take a bit of their clothes off.   (VERY RARE)

As you can imagine the rooms are filled with guys pure gagging to see some skin or something raunchy.  NO IDEA why they don’t just check interwebs for what is now HIGH DEF PORN instead of small grainy webcam footage of a so-so attractive girl. Brilliantly though not all of them speak english too good and so the room is filled with this kind of chat.

“Open your T*ts!”
“I sex you!”
“I 10 inches!”

What you also get is whenever anyone in Cat 4 there happens to show up, the whole f*cking room goes NUTS talking about her and trying to seduce her.
I shall call her “Amber425″ for no reason other than that’s how many Ambers I have tapped. It’s dreadfully dull. You mostly just tuck it away and have a look and a laugh for the next Engrish funny thing that is said and why that was going on someone came in to do some Legendary moves.  I have no idea what they are called but it was a massively effective c*ckblock for the whole room.  about 80 guys were destroyed by one sentence.

Amber425 had been feeling frisky and she was getting rather naughty. The room was going crazy, she was being pretty touchy feel under her clothes.
She slowly unbuttoned her top…

“Amber425 u r so beautiful please show us your beautifulness beautiful”

The top came off … she’s in the bra….

“Amber425 is the best!!”
“Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425!!!!”

She’s reaching around.. is she going to take the bra off, she’s a bit hesitant… but there’s a glass of wine there been rapidly drunk, the room loves her. She feels empowered.

She takes it off.

“Amber425 I am so lovely at you you beautiful”
“WOOHOO Amber425 !!!”

She stands up. The crowd is upset , they think she’s going, they’re begging her not. Please don’t go Cat4 Amber425!. She’s not. OMG. She’s taking her jeans off, she’s in just her underwear!

THE ROOM GOES MENTAL , there’s loads streaming up as she sits back down. She feels like the sexiest woman ever you can tell, there’s so many guys telling her how amazing she is. Nothings going to stop her from going all the way… she reaches down…

“Amber425 is the best!!”
“Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425!!!!”
“Amber425 I am so lovely at you you beautiful”
“WOOHOO Amber425 !!!”

“FIST THAT SH*T!”

Three things happened.

1. I spat my juice out. (Not a euphamism)

2. Amber425 read it, got a mortified look on her face and turned the cam off.

3. The Room was RAGING!

I have no idea who was that kindred spirit of lulz but I take my hat off to him/her.

This was truly inspiration Legendary behaviour and I hope you all can learn from it.

Don’t worry about the room by the way.
They moved onto some chubby funster who was showing something that was either a breast and nipple…
or a fat roll and blister.

Malk Content
Satanists make me lol hard, Either they don’t believe in God (most likely) in which case they’re atheists trying to sound cool (We’re already cool). Or they believe in God but have chosen to side with the already defeated team.

Michael Cartmell
I was just reading this which mentions Satan: http://www.scribd.com/doc/9212618/using-a-black-mirror-for-scrying-goetia-demons-4

We must be in sync somehow.

Michael Cartmell
For story research, I mean. It’s not my regular Satanic reading time or anything.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Oi. Im offended by this. If u think about it rationally, who is the real bad guy.. God has killed millions with his ‘punishing the bad’ tactics. Whereas satan has only killed a handful.

Malk Content
ahahahhahaah high five!

Michael Cartmell
haha

Malk Content
if you think about it rationally then you’re an atheist.

However if you’re meaning in context of the myth, your comment still doesn’t make sense. I never said who was the bad person.I just stated who won and who lost.

Michael Cartmell
i want hard stats on the God:Satan kill ratio.

Malk Content
Well the main source is obviously the work of fiction that is the bible. God drowned the world. That’s Millions. Satan never managed that.

However this just goes to prove my point that they’re siding with a powerless loser, even if they believe the myth.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Nobody has ‘lost’ yet. Because to lose, the war has to be over. Which it isnt. And im not an atheist,coz i strongly believe in following the dark lords ways.

Malk Content
Okay so you’re siding with the guy that got pummeled, flung out of heaven into the basement and failed. At everything.
There’s literally no real success stories for Ol Scrotch is there.

And apparently you believe kids stories about magic things.

Malk Content
Plus the dark lord is Voldemort from harry potter.

Who had way more success than Satan. Yet shares his total beatdown.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Also, he is only losing due to the fact that so many idiots are drowned with knowledge of god, but are always told that lucifer is the bad guy. When really, he just wanted to be different. Simple as.

Malk Content
Not losing, lost. Tried to take over heaven, got pummeled.

No he lost because if you believe the myth as you do, then you have to accept god made the world, lucifer , can drown it with a thought and is omnipotent.

Nothing tops phenomenal cosmic powers! He’s just not got the juice!

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
No. The dark lord isnt just frm harry potter. Its the opposite of god.. I.e.. light n goodness n all that shit. And so what if i believe in magic stories. Its better than believing in nothingness..

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
He. Hasnt. Lost.

Malk Content
I don’t believe in nothingness. I believe in rationality which is what you mentioned previously.

Okay so you’re now repeating that god is light and goodness after saying that he isn’t. No one calls god The Light Lord so calling Not Voldemort , The Dark Lord isn’t really the opposite.

Malk Content
Okay, what’s he won?
He wanted to take over heaven. did he do it. Or did he get slapped about and flung down? Back then he had lot of help to try too, you think anyones wanting to help him after they see what happens when you try to take on an omnipotent being. Course not. He’s the myth equivalent of a hobo on the street saying “I’m scary btw!, hard luck times!”

The only thing I think is mentioned is his wee boy might come and stir up some fuss and hurt people who don’t believe in God after the rapture. So basically, the people god doesn’t want, he’ll torture.

That would be you btw, because God won’t want you.

so the guy you’re supporting will be doing bitch cleanup duty for gods leaving and you’re going to be the tasty french fry he rakes out the dumpster and munches.

So once again we’re left with the conclusion of you backing a loser.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Aha. Thats where your wrong. I KNOW people who are devout christians, and refer to god as the god of light and all that is holy. But yeah i no i contradicted myself there, but its coz satan is said to be all the darkness and all that is unholy. He has been portrayed like that for so long that no1 knows any better. So thats why he is the darklord. Lord of darkness is Not just frickin voldermort lol

Malk Content
Where did I say he’s not referred to as light and all holy? I said he wasn’t referred to as The Light Lord.
I also never mentioned anything against The Lord of Darkness. That’s always been associated with Satan. However The Dark Lord, is Voldemort.

I’ve never once mentioned who’s the better or more moral person God or Satan, you keep saying that like it makes a difference. It doesn’t. God has all the Power and can’t lose. Satan has none, has already been pummeled and does God’s dirty work.

Bear in mind, none of that’s real, along with unicorns and pixies.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
The whole part of being a satanist is to sacrifice yourself. Thats our way of following. When he rises up, all the satanists will give him their immortal souls, and back his fight.
Michael Cartmell
Personally I’m backing Voldemort

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
U can believe its not real dude. Thats fine with me, coz im not like a jovo tryin to recruit or anythin lol.

Becca Thompson
The bible states that Satan offered God the world but God turned him down so therefore doesnt Satan own the world? And is it not God who made a virgin pregnant so therefore he must be a rapist, and is it not he who makes war therefore he must be a murderer. And no, I do not follow any one religion, I have my own beliefs. Although I know a little about religious myths or whatever as my partner was raised Catholic.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Exactly Becca!

Malk Content
It says God made the world. Kinda makes it his already.
I mean if I say I’ll give you your house and you say “no, It’s already mine” that doesn’t mean I own your house.

I also have to point out that you’re falling into the same trap as her of arguing as to whether God is Good or not. I don’t care and it’s irrelevant. He’s omnipotent and Satan has not only lost but will and knows it so have conned idiots into giving up their souls for his own personal pleasure.

Again, just to be clear. none of it real. Any Religious or Supernatural stuff. All crap.

Becca Thompson
Satanism is actually against harming children, against rape, against animal cruelty, and against violence unless it is in self-defence. Just another little piece of random info. And again, no I am not into any one religion. Just have an open mind and the realisation that everyone has their own beliefs. If we were all the same, the world would be one hell of a boring place to survive.

Carolyn Aubrey Groux
I agree with what you had to say even though I am a “nothing” as far as religion goes. oh… and I lol’d at the Harry Potter reference Highly amusing.

Carolyn Aubrey Groux
PS: do you care if i copy this and send it to a friend of mine? I know they will also love it

Michael Cartmell
I don’t think it’s finished yet.

Malk Content
I don’t care about the random info. At no point have I said they do bad things. I have an open mind, that doesn’t mean I can’t look at all the evidence and come to a decision.
New Evidence can change my mind, that’s the definition of an open mind. However no one religious has ANY evidence at all so that’s a non starter.

The Dark Lord is Voldemort.

Michael Cartmell
Actually, Satan was at my door the other day. Trying to offer me my house.

Malk Content
It’ll be up on the site when it’s done. lol.

Malk Content
Tell him you already sold it to Harry Potter, he’ll run away

…
…

DONE!

Malk Content
interesting effect and nice picture tho too much background on go i think , Can’t see your eye because of reflection though so ditch.

Frank Morgan Llewelyn Thomas
theres fuck all background its an ausome pic and if u want to see her eyes there just above her nose u fool!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Malk Content
Clearly a great mind at work there. Apparently your picture inspires retarded people who can’t spell. Perhaps you should add it in a collection of special shots for special people.
She’s said in her own comments she wants criticism. I’ve gave her a lot of pretty constructive stuff. However if you feel she can’t speak for herself and should only have vapid praise heaped upon her, continue the discourse. Happy to make you look silly. Which I have.

Marshall Westbrook
Too much black, not enough light, subject centered. drop.
about an hour ago ·

Alexander Christian Steiner
What No way Franks my Boy Come swansea and well fuck you up with the faaaaaams

Ben Ross
He may not bable to spell but u dont need a degree to pull your teeth out with a pair of plyers BITCH !!!!!

Marshall Westbrook
@Frank, you clearly don’t know constructive criticism when you see it. We are doing this as a favor for a friend. I am not sure if you understand big words tho so this statement may be lost on you. @Alex and Ben: Grow up kids, its the internets.

Alexander Christian Steiner
internets T_T

Ben Ross
Al this guy thinks there is more than one internet >.>

Malk Content
haha , awww they’re cute. with their lil threatenings. Like it’s the first time I’ve ever been threatened. I’m terrified.

Get a grip, losers.

Alexander Christian Steiner
Fail

Ben Ross
Slewed

Malk Content
Listen, Ant and Dec, what you need to do is go away and play halo or something and then if she needs some sort of moronic clapping Seal she’ll give you a little tickle and you can line up like you’re blowing sailors at the Docks and just go for it.

Malk Content
P.S. Ben, it saddens me that you think basic spelling is achieved through a degree and not primary school.

Kaela John
Can you all please desist from this, I do not appreciate this petty little comment battle within my pictures. Can you all please act like the mature adults that you are.

Malk Content
I totally am. This is ALWAYS how I act.

Winnin’.

Alexander Christian Steiner
Fuck you keala its on

Ben Ross
Fuck you kaela its on

Leanne East
i flippin love you guys! hahahahahah

Malk Content
Apparently their period has started. Synced up, like most girls who spend lot of time together.

Alexander Christian Steiner
Ok ok kaela it was only a joke but this guys taking it serious T_T

Ben Ross
lol aww Kaela we was only teasing but this guy is taking it seriously LOL >.>

Kaela John
If you all continue, I will disable the comments.

Please can you all stop this. I am asking you all as a friend here.

Malk Content
haha you don’t know me very well friend, wouldn’t assume anything.

Malk Content
That was to dumb and bummer ^

Ben Ross
i aint your friend i dont even know you T_T
about a minute ago ·

Malk Content
Glad we agree noobface.
Didn’t you already tell kaela you’d shut up?
not doing so good. Am I that irresistable?

Pamela went from being “single” to “it’s complicated”

Pamela Rose
is it really so hard to understand when something’s f*cking complicated. f*cking hell!

Malk Content
Wrong way around, It’s the failure to understand it’s simple that makes it complicated.

Pamela Rose
No.

Malk Content
It well is. What’s complicated it then. I mean I genuinely can think of nothing that can’t be explained in a couple sentences
e.g.

They already have a gf/wife/bf (you’re single and the bit on side OR it’s a 3 way relationship)
We can see other people (we’re both single)
They’re far away (still a relationship)

Pamela Rose
None of those.
And nothing i care to discuss either.
It is complicated.

Malk Content
They’re a paraplegic ?
In Prison ?
In a coma?
Underage?
old enough to be your dad/mom?
Related to you?
A non human Animal?

Pamela Rose
No.

Malk Content
Invisible ?
Blind?
In Psychiatric care?
An Ex?
Edward from Twilight ?

Pamela Rose
No.

Malk Content
They’ve got a disease they’re dying from ?
They’re in the mirror?
They’re of an ethnic origin your parents wouldn’t approve?
They’re a religion your parents or friends wouldnt’ approve?
They’re a He-She with a limp ?

Pamela Rose
No.

Malk Content
Well it really doesn’t sound complicated.
Sounds really easy.

Learn to be a Legend.

I’ll train you.

Pamela Rose
I don’t want f*cking drama and i’m not being used. I’ve set my status to exactly how it is. Complicated. That’s it. Neither single nor in a relationship. So obviously you wouldn’t know seeing as you don’t know me and you have no idea about what is going on.

Malk Content
There’s no middle ground lol, You can f*ck other people or you can’t. Single or not.

Pamela Rose
F*cking hasn’t got anything to do with it.

Malk Content
Really does lol.
What’s complicated about it then, cmon, you’re making the claim in public that it’s complicated so should at least give some kind of gist as to what’s complicated about it. If it’s none of the ones I said.
Is it just that you want to be exclusive but he’s wanting to bang other people so you have that but he’s left his blank

Pamela Rose
It’s NONE of your business whatsoever.
Why should i give some jist? Because people want to be nosy? I don’t think so  . I have nothing more to say on that matter.

Malk Content
Because you made it public duh, lol, That’s what happens. If it’s not my , or any of your friends list business that somethings “complicated”, you shouldn’t have put publicly that it was there obviously.
Is it him/her wanting it all on the down low, keeping his options open?

Pamela Rose
It’s not really public when my profile is set to private. You just happen to be on my list. And yeah, there are people i’d tell, so therefore there is no “shouldn’t” about it.
Why must this him/her have to be the one keeping their options open anyway? You seem to like this idea alot. lmfao.

Malk Content
Well there’s no reason for you to make change. Or is that what it is , you’re leading him about a bit and just keeping him quiet the now.
But either way it’s still not complicated, you’re just single and keeping him on short leash.
So I’m still right

********
She removed me from friends list at this point and took it to PM
********

Pamela Rose
How f*cking dare you. You don’t know me. So you have no idea what i’m like.
Don’t be such a c*nt. You have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m keeping no one on a short leash thank you very much.
So kindly butt out.

Malkcontent
Ahh that one well got a reaction, that one is it haha

Pamela Rose
as i said. No.

Malk Content
Either way, it’s not complicated in the slightest and you know it really.
It’s all just drama

Pamela Rose
It’s not really drama at all thank you.
If i knew it was simple, I wouldn’t have changed my status :’)
What’s it to you anyway?

Malk Content
I don’t know what that smiley means. Some sort of retard face I assume.
Always interested in stamping out the “It’s complicated” b*llshit wherever I find it.
It’s always b*llshit and not complicated.

TOTALLY BLANK BECAUSE SHE BLOCKED ME AT THIS POINT!
More like you’re full of b*llshit. Clearly trying to be nosy. Have you really nothing better to do?
Oh gosh, you used the word retard. OH how offended i really am. Hahaha.
Just leave me alone, and keep your nose out. I didn’t ask for your advice, therefore there was no need to say anything. AT ALL. Goodbye.

What.

A.

Drama Queen.

6.00am wake up bolt upright.
6.00am look in mirror because it faces the bed.
6.00am …. ALLLL RIIIGHT.
6.00am lose self .. just.. staring.
7.00am run around the world, twice.
7.15am finish run, go for morning urination.
7.50am wash hands
7.51am Go to bedroom to grab towel for shower
8.31am .. Just.. So … Pretty
8.45am Snap out of it, go to shower and do showery business.. mmm.. tingly shower gel.

9.00am Fly to work, reassure civilians that I am neither a bird or a plane.

**Work time passes during which I solve all problems and do the work of a whole department**

1.00pm Obtain Rainbow Drops at lunch time for delicious sugary coloured goodness

**Work time passes during which I slack off the amount of a whole department and wish I was having a lil snoozy**

5.30pm Go to Gym
5.31pm Men all leave through being shamed so hard.
5.32pm I ask the women to leave as they are flooding the place
5.33pm Warm up by using all weights at once
5.43pm Look for more weights
5.45pm Give up looking for weights, tunnel underneath building like some kind of mole.
5.46pm Shoulder Press the building.
5.50pm Leg Muscles – Do jumps up to the Sun while holding truck across shoulders.
5.55pm Try to calm down irate truck driver.
5.56pm Explanation that he needs to man up not well received.
5.57pm Truck driver breaks hand on my jaw
5.58pm lulz.
6.00pm Have a Sammich
6.02pm … mmmm.. Sammich
6.03pm Go home
6.04pm Arrive home
6.05pm Will play xbox for 5 minutes
9.00pm Go online for 5 minutes
1.00am .. I better go to sleep.

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:30):

hello

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:31):

hey

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:32):

who be this btw, you added me but there’s no pic up or anything

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:32):

i’m 21/f your a male right?

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:34):

That’s not what I asked

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:34):

nice, I just got off work and finally got some time to relax which site did i msg you from again?

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:35):

Nice?

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:35):

I know a way we can chat and have a better time.. do you cam?

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:35):

Never

I hate cams

and women

naked especially

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:35):

Well i don’t do yahoo cam or any other cam because i have been recorded before… But i do know one site you can watch me on cam, that assures me no one records…

I mean… Do you want to see me on my cam?

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:35):

It doesn’t assure you no one records, why would they not be able to record it, it’s an image on the screen the same

No definitely not

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:36):

We’ve been over this

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:36):

Ok go to http://www.freecamlink.net/aesn accept the invite on the page baby

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:36):

It’s like you’re not even listening. I really don’t see this relationship going anywhere

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:36):

sweet, fill out the info ur info.. i can not wait for you to see me baby let me find something nice to wear

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:37):

… whore.

I hate email chains. There’s no end to them. Chances are, I blame you.

I don’t really mind a good joke that has been getting fired about because it’s actually really funny so you get it in your inbox every couple of years as it pings electronically around the world.

What annoys the hell out of me (and gets your email address blocked if you keep sending me them when I’ve already told you not to) is people who send on some of the following.

• Virus warnings
• Email Petitions about bad things happening somewhere that need to be stopped
• Send this email test router thing to 30 people and microsoft or another company know and send you a present like an ipod
• If you don’t forward it on to ten people, you will die in 3 days, never have sex, blah blah. If you do you’ll get money and happiness.
• MSN, Facebook etc is shutting down, going to charge you to use them, or shut you down if you don’t forward on.
• Missing people

Now none of these essentially seem that bad to you, but let me explain.

Virus Warnings:

Forwarding one of these is probably the most useless thing you can ever do.

Most of them are fake for one thing “All the letters drop off the screen,your harddrive explodes,the dog tries to bite you and your partner finds out you’re cheating with that wh*re Angela in Sales”. Then you’ve got the ones that ARE genuine but it was about a year ago, and people are still going to send it despite the fact that it’s clearly been patched loooong ago or all the computers in the world would be f*cked by now. Rarely, VERY Rarely it is a genuine threat. Chances are if it’s not from a large antivirus company whose newsletter you have signed up for, it’s probably fake. Some of you will be saying “Well I’m not technical, how am I meant to know?!”. Well, you excuse making b*wbag, I’ll tell you at the end of the article.

Email petitions about bad things happening somewhere that need to be stopped:

There’s a massive variety of these. I’m sure you’ve seen some of them.

Examples are:

• women are treated badly in other countries/this one
• war about something
• kids somewhere being bummed
• murderers and rapists being let loose

Now I’m not saying those aren’t all bad things and shouldn’t indeed be stopped I’m just trying to say that adding your name to a list of names and then forwarding it on to everyone you know to do the same unless you’re the hundredth name in which case you forward it on to govermentofficial@goverment.com or something similar is not only a waste of your time but also a bit self serving. You think you’ve done anything there?.

You’ve not.

I’ll tell you why you haven’t. There are two main reasons. One is a probable and one is a certainty.

The important one though is the certainty and that’s this. No one, anywhere in the world will take a list of names on an email as serious because it’s just far too easy to fake. Look I’ll demonstrate.

I’m against this, Cindy Smith , Texas

NO! , Brian Mulhoney , Bristol, England

I feel this should be stopped!, Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes, Aberdeen.

Now are you convinced that I went and got these 3 people to write that on this computer before uploading it to the website? No. Neither is anyone else when you forward on an email. There are many places now that do online petitions that you do have to register for and they can be done and are worthwhile and listened to I believe. No one is convinced by a list of possibly made up names on an email chain letter. Which brings us nicely to the next reason that it was a waste of time.

Let’s say you’re the last one on this w*nker Relay race so it’s your job to send that baton back to the umpire. Okay that analogy lost all meaning quickly, they don’t even have umpires in relay races.

Anyway, you forward that badboy email onto govermentofficial@govermentplace.com and one of two things is very likely to happen.

1. You get an undeliverable report back saying that email doesn’t exist. Either because it never existed and you’ve now just realised these chain emails are made up by total pranksters for the lulz, or because the person who had that email has left or indeed had a new one made up to stop getting emails like that in.
2. You never hear anything back. The reason you’ve not heard anything back is not that The Man is not listening to you, it’s that companies have spam filters up on their email systems to stop spam/junk email and your email is caught in the “net”. You know why it’s been trapped by the Spam filter? because it’s f*cking Spam! Stop wasting people’s time!

Forward this email test router thing to 30 people and Microsoft, Apple or some other company know and love you for it and send you a present like an ipod,xpox,soul:

The only reason these ever get forwarded is because most people aren’t technical. That’s not an actual excuse though as I’ll explain in the closing chapter. This doesn’t happen. Ever. I’m aware you “know” someone who did but be honest, you know that’s a lie and you just heard about it, same as everyone else.They and anyone else can’t really track emails like that without a lot of effort. The effort is not worth it. It doesn’t even make sense anyway. What is being checked exactly? Who the f*ck doesn’t know that emails work and go all over the place? Why is that information of value to ANYONE? How will they get your address?.

Cmon, seriously, stop being such a gullible chimp.

If you don’t forward it on to ten people, you will die in 3 days, never have sex, blah blah. If you do you’ll get money and happiness:

You know it’s crap, I know it’s crap. Stop it.

MSN, Facebook etc is shutting down, going to charge you to use them, or shut you down if you don’t forward on.:

None of these are true. Think about it for a sec, why isn’t this global news on every tv channel and in every newspaper? We’re talking millions and millions of people affected by one of the most well known brands in the world!. Why would they even shut it down or charge anyway, they exist for advertising their and other’s products and to charge or shut it down would deprive them of that and generate a lot of bad will when people leave!

These would be some of the worst mistakes you could make as a company and they didn’t get to where they are by being stupid. Panic’s exciting and why newspapers sell but it shouldn’t stop you taking a couple minutes to go “wait….. that sounds unlikely”.

Missing people:

Some questions to consider:

1. Are they actually missing is this real?
2. Where are they missing? If it’s the other side of the world you’re kinda wasting your time unless it’s Carmen Sandiago.
3. How old is this? , are they since found people?

These again are often old, rubbish or pointless. How can I know though, better to forward them all to be sure! It might help! No, there’s a better way.

So what am I meant to do then?

Well… chances are since this is about email chains that means you have an internet connection. This means you have access to search engines, like Google. How about, and this is novel I grant you, spending the same amount of time you’d take forwarding it on blindly to SEARCH AND SEE IF ITS A LOAD OF P*SH!

Even if its at work, it’s a legitimate work use to not spam up their email systems.

There’s loads of sites, I’ve had a few chain emails in , stick the title in google and BANG!, usually the first link “Missing Person Jimmy Neebs – Hoax Email Chain”. There you go and now you’ve saved all those other people from ever receiving this crap.

Wasn’t that a hell of a lot more productive use of the same amount of time?

The same sites will come up time and again, www.snopes.com is one of the most likely, dealing with urban legends and the like that many of these are basically. AntiVirus sites like www.mcafee.com will come up for virus warning chain emails.

Hopefully this has both enlightened and entertained you and you’ll at least take a brief second to think about how much time you’re wasting and how big a muppet you’re being by just following the herd and sending it on “just in case”.

There’s lots of things you can do “just in case”, doesn’t mean you should wear two pairs of pants though does it.