How to be a Legend

No idea how many parts of this there will be and this might not be as funny as usual but here we go anyway ! It’s a proper adult type advice and legendhood column for you, my happy readers.

I’ve been working on  hypothesis for a while now about why people don’t lose weight and diet books etc all fail. I threw a quick, pretty unscientific survey out in an open question and got the answers I expected. The reason I’m qualified to fix this is that I’ve genuinely done the big weight loss and maintained it thing without special surgery and so on, and I’m also a bit of a dick.  That’s important. SHOCK AND AWE, BABY, SHOCK AND AWE!.

Now many of you reading this want to lose weight, tone up, however you want to call it, might have tried it plenty before but never succeeded so I’m going to help you. Many of you reading this will have a smartphone, if not , use the PC version.

Before we go annnnny further, I want you to download and sign up for something called “Evernote”. It’s a very simple program that lets you make notes and put tags so you can track it and such.
Okay so do that now.

 

 

Did you do it ?

 

 

Lot of you probably didn’t.
So here’s my question… What the F*CK are you playing at?
Seriously, you’re reading this because you want to lose weight and you’re ALREADY making excuses and procrastinating, you’re wasting my time and yours.  DO IT NOW!

That’s why you’re not getting where you want btw, weight or otherwise. It’s not a magic diet needed or a pill or a procedure or your glands or anything f*cking else. It’s excuses and procrastination.

Here’s some favourites

“I’ll go to the gym later”.

Used as an excuse to eat something you shouldn’t or to put off going to the gym.
Solution: PUT DOWN THE FORK!, nah but seriously, don’t eat it.

Here’s the new deal you make with yourself, you look at the calories of it and for every 100 you do 10 minutes hard cardio in the gym. That’s how hard it is to burn off btw.  It’s 3600 for a lb of fat too. So that means 6 hours hard cardio to burn off 1 lb of fat or nearly forty minutes to burn off a chocolate bar.
Insane isn’t it?
But if you still want to do it, then do it FIRST.  That’s your new cheating on your goal deal, you want to eat crap that is against your goal, you HAVE to do the work FIRST.  That’s the absolute rule.  You follow it , just that and a few things happen. You don’t eat the crap, you do go to the gym and after it, you feel so good you don’t want the crap. It’s much easier to just eat less calories than to try to work it off in the gym, trust me on that.  Gym is for a bit of fitness.  80/20 eating /gym for weight loss. Later (part 2) I’m going to cover the top mistakes rookies make in losing weight.

As for putting it off later, here’s the next new goal breaking deal. You go to the gym and get changed into your gym clothes. If you STILL want to not do it , you get changed and go back.  You won’t btw, you’ll work out and probably enjoy it too once you’re there but if you don’t fine , you’ll walk back out. Just, go first? , take you like twenty – twenty five  minutes probably tops.  If it’s taking you more than that, get a different gym, even if it’s not as equipped.  You’ll still go more. Convenience counts a lot.

 

“I’ve been to the gym so I can have a little treat”

Solution – HAH! , read the math above and WEEP my friend, you have done nothing even close that will cover your little “treat”.   Also, stop making FOOD treats, chubs.  Save up the money you’d spend on these fatty, goal destroying “treats” and buy yourself new clothes when you’ve slimmed down.  New clothes are a great treat as it’s a genuine reward for achievement. That wouldn’t have fit you before, and it won’t fit you if you slip back, so don’t be a dumbass.  If you want chocolate, fried crap etc, you don’t want to lose weight. They are mutually exclusive like Hitler and Jews. That is not a mixer party that is going to work, so just throw that idea out the window.

 

“I don’t seem to be losing any so stuff it”

Solution – That’s why you’ve got evernote. Measure yourself and take your weight at the same time and on the same scale. you’ll be able to track. Occaisonally weight will stall. Stick with the reduced calories and moderate exercise, it will go.  You have to have willpower here to keep going.  It can’t fight physics so just beat it down until it goes.

 

“A friend offered it”

Solution – And you say no.  That’s all there is too it. You need to get angry about this. Seriously it’s completely rude. It’s genuinely no different than offering pints of beer to an alcoholic but, much like an alcoholic , it’s still your responsibility to say no.  Don’t argue, don’t offer an excuse. Just. Say. No.  if you like say “No I’m losing weight, I don’t care if you think I need to, I want to, let’s move on with the conversation”.  People often buy others food cos they want to eat crap themselves, don’t be their puppet!.

 

“I don’t have time”

Solution – … you don’t have time to do what?  it takes just as much time to buy a healthy option sandwich as it does a big bacony fatty so shut up with that crap.

 

 

Okay there are more and if you have specific ones, mail me, I’ll add if relevant, there is a contact form it’s annoymous.

 

Oh , and as a final hint for now, DONT go killing urself in the gym at the start of weightloss. Focus on the mental game of eating properly (little meals spaced out, add up the calories, don’t make excuses). It’s way more important and the gym will come later.  3 times a week for an hour is more than sufficient. Don’t go mental either , get a sweat up, get ur heartrate up, do some stretching. We’ll cover stage two after you lose, say , half a stone.

 

And stop making crappy stupid excuses. You know what you want, so do it.

It’s the Legend way.

6.00am wake up bolt upright.
6.00am look in mirror because it faces the bed.
6.00am …. ALLLL RIIIGHT.
6.00am lose self .. just.. staring.
7.00am run around the world, twice.
7.15am finish run, go for morning urination.
7.50am wash hands
7.51am Go to bedroom to grab towel for shower
8.31am .. Just.. So … Pretty
8.45am Snap out of it, go to shower and do showery business.. mmm.. tingly shower gel.

9.00am Fly to work, reassure civilians that I am neither a bird or a plane.

**Work time passes during which I solve all problems and do the work of a whole department**

1.00pm Obtain Rainbow Drops at lunch time for delicious sugary coloured goodness

**Work time passes during which I slack off the amount of a whole department and wish I was having a lil snoozy**

5.30pm Go to Gym
5.31pm Men all leave through being shamed so hard.
5.32pm I ask the women to leave as they are flooding the place
5.33pm Warm up by using all weights at once
5.43pm Look for more weights
5.45pm Give up looking for weights, tunnel underneath building like some kind of mole.
5.46pm Shoulder Press the building.
5.50pm Leg Muscles – Do jumps up to the Sun while holding truck across shoulders.
5.55pm Try to calm down irate truck driver.
5.56pm Explanation that he needs to man up not well received.
5.57pm Truck driver breaks hand on my jaw
5.58pm lulz.
6.00pm Have a Sammich
6.02pm … mmmm.. Sammich
6.03pm Go home
6.04pm Arrive home
6.05pm Will play xbox for 5 minutes
9.00pm Go online for 5 minutes
1.00am .. I better go to sleep.

Fatties, I can heal you

First off, I will slam you.
Then I will help you.
It’s how I do my thing.
It’s important I crush all your arguments first.

OKAY YOU BLOATED RETARDS!,

Curvy woman does NOT mean a fat f*ck squeezed into a corset.
Cuddly men do not need to have a big huge gut and 3 chins.

There is nothing more “real” about a woman just because she’s in poor physical health.
Guys, stop calling people poofs because you’re jealous they take care of themselves.

The facts:

Your overweightness is unhealthy and unattractive. People who tell you otherwise are more than likely lying or are overweight themselves or unattractive some other way and think you’re the best they can do. Maybe they’re ginger.

People like other people who are in great shape. Don’t believe the lies to make you feel better.
All those people who said they’d f*ck you online. REALLY probably lying. or mean they would f*ck you, but they’d hide you from their mates. Maybe that’s what you’re going for ? Embarrassing d*ck sheath? Either way the corset ladies especially I imagine find themselves more of a one night stand kind of girl than a keeper.

Men like women who look like pamela anderson, angelina jolie
Women like guys who look like brad pitt, tom cruise or whatever

For god sakes you morons!, do you REALLY think your partner doesn’t want you looking like something from a porno ? ,large boobs, small waist, curvy without too much flab? c*ck not hidden by a beer gut, a nice 6 pack, some good lean muscle, wide chest and shoulders maybe? People just claim to not like traditionally attractive people out of jealousy and fear of rejection.

On a base level, everyone does really. It’s bred into you.

Attractiveness is NOT decided by you. You can’t say you’re attractive, it’s really not for you to decide, Tons of Fun.
It’s by how many people find you attractive and to what level.

Some of the Lies:

You’ll know these I’m sure.

“I’m big boned”

No. You really aren’t. There are NO big bones unless you’re a dinosaur. You ever seen a fat skeleton?
No. Big bones covered in gobbets of flesh, that’s what you got there.

“I can’t lose weight”

Yes. Yes you can. You don’t get fat starving people for instance. It’s just the way the body works. Less calories than you use in a controlled way = weight loss. It’s just bloody obvious.

“I don’t have time to workout”

BOLLOCKS, Absolute Bollocks. You whining maggot. If you watch any Tv show ever, read

any books or do anything except sleep eat and take care of something EVER even if it’s just 20 mins, then you have time to work out.

“I want to enjoy life”

You excuse making ponce, that’s just trying to make it sound like a choice when you hide away eating a big pile of junk in the corner to make yourself feel better. You’ll enjoy life better if you could buy normal size clothes. And you’ll also live longer too, so get more time to enjoy it. You did not say to yourself “my god, I want to be big and fat and have my clothes look too tight and horrible and people to stare at me”

“I’ve tried everything” No you haven’t. You haven’t tried adopting a sensible eating approach and exercise plan and

STICKING WITH IT.

“It’s my genetics”

F*ck Off. Yes I am aware there are 3 basic morphs. Skinny, fat and middle. Skinny have trouble putting on mass, fat has trouble taking it off and middle are just lucky because they can put muscle on easy and trim fat… BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T LOSE WEIGHT OR LOOK BETTER THAN YOU DO. You’re not destined to be overweight, just bigger scaled, you can still have a good stomach or arms or arse and so on!

On a simple level here’s some advice that will instantly put you on the road to success.

1. Eat slowly and stop as soon as you’re not hungry.

Ah how easy is that one? Can you really say there is ANY possible reason you can’t do that?
You can eat more if you get hungry later. In fact, it’s important to get hungry later. You should never feel stuffed

or that full or ever really that hungry either. You want to turn into an efficient metabolism MACHINE.

2. Try to eat every 3 hours. 200-300 calories. 20 Grams of protein, slow release carbs.

Bit tricker but nearly always do able. This helps keep your blood sugar constant. It’s when it peaks or troughs that you start craving and losing control of your eating. Start craving those fast sugars and sweets.
By eating this way you give your muscles fuel to burn fat and don’t go hungry. You want things like oats, fruit, low fat natural yoghurt, eggs, lean meats, salads, watch the dressing. breads with seeds in it.
Eat as soon as you wake up too, this is important. When you sleep your metabolism slows down to a much slower resting rate and stays like this until you eat something. If you eat something as soon as possible when waking up your instantly burning more calories than you would than if you didn’t. This means more weight lost in the long term and a more productive and energetic morning you.
3. Stop eating sweets, white or brown breads, near all breakfast cereals and potatoes all the time
They’re all just sh*t. really just sh*t. Don’t believe the adverts. They suck nutritionally. Stop. Easy.

4. Workout intensely as possible. 30 mins intense is better than 1 hour f*cking about talking to your mate as you walk on the treadmill. Stop wasting your time.
Never mind all the shit you see with easy calorie burning, do cardio all time to burn fat and so on. It’s crap. and is why you keep failing. Lift weights, do resistance stuff, circuit training , make the heart pump like crazy , the sweat drip and you’ll feel it more.
Each pound of lean muscle mass burns 60 calories in a day without you doing ANYTHING, you put on 10lbs, you’re now burning extra 600 calories a day, for nothing. You can’t do that with cardio on it’s own.
LADIES, you seem to think that if you lift weights 3 times a week for 30 mins you’ll get all massive buff and so avoid it. … HAHAHA yeah.
It’s not that easy. Really. You’re safe.
It takes one of those huge women about 20 hours a week lifting weights and eating 6000 calories a day to look like that. Don’t be f*cking ridiculous.
And the best part is you’ll grow to like it if you push yourself because of endorphins. Can’t beat that can you!?

5. If you f*ck up, it is NOT permission to f*ck up more
Just because you had a biscuit doesn’t mean you have “ruined it” and should now have the whole pack because “it doesn’t matter” (also a broken one counts, yes, yes it does Lunchbox). You made an error. Leave the rest and just get on with it. Get some fruit. last one for now
6. Try to carry a bit of fruit around with you, in case you get hungry. Low fat bars etc are mostly shit. Avoid processed foods if possible. Take the lil extra time to make stuff yourself. Doesn’t need to be organic, that’s another thing that’s mostly a stupid myth and media hype.

Do NOT come to me with f*cking excuses like the above.
Do NOT argue with me when I tell you to do something. Just f*cking do it.
I will make you healthy and thinner.