How to be a Legend

Note to My Parents: Stop reading this section now, it will do you no good to know this..

Ever been caught masturbating? (Now that’s a hook)

I haven’t quite. I nearly have though and certainly will be if this confession of sorts gets read by the right people, but that’s for me to worry about.
Don’t you sweat it.

The importance of thinking ahead can’t be stated enough . Like this website for example, I thought ahead and then chose the name of howtobealegend. That’s because I wanted to teach people How to be a Legend. It’s genius like that that qualifies me to run this site.

There’s other situations where it’s even more important to think ahead though and that’s when you’re being naughty. Specifically,where getting caught might possibly occur. Legend’s have a decent excuse ready and waiting because if you don’t then you might end up using a bad one. A REALLY bad one. To demonstrate a REALLY bad one, and hopefully to introduce a new term for masturbation into the general populace, here is a story that I tell with a mixture of both shame and pride….mostly shame.

First off, a small defence. I was young. I didn’t know how to be a legend yet. I hadn’t done any of this site for one thing. You don’t understand how lucky you are to have me. What you need to realise,ladies, is that when you’re a young guy of like 12,13ish you’re just all about touching yourself. You’d touch others if you could but chances are you’re not quite cool, hot or confident enough to be thinking about showing off some smooth moves to the sounds of Barry White.

I mean seriously, your c*ck is pretty much glued to your hand. Depending on your personal hygiene and “output” level this might literally be the case after a few goes. Plus pretty much anything will set you off thinking of doing all sorts of things. This was a bit before the internet quite hit off so your options were a lot more limited. If your dad didn’t have some stuff you’re stuck hoping your parents buy The Sun or Nigella comes on the TV. She’s a dirty b*tch and we all know it.

Anyway, I was lucky because my legendad had some legend porn. But it’s not DVD times remember, we’re talking VHS. Now the thing about VHS that you probably forgot about was that you had to rewind them. That means when you’re sneaking peeks at your dads porny tapes you found up the back of the cupboard you need to make sure and reset the video counter so that you can rewind it to exactly the same spot. Top tip should they ever retro back there.

So I’m in the house alone, school hols or something I dunno really. My mum and dad are out, my sister is at her work down the road. Not due back for a wee bit. That means it’s time to take a wee sly saunter through to my parents bedroom, up to the back of the cupboard on my tip toes and grab these suspicious unmarked tapes hidden up the back. Then it’s a little me time needed.

These opportunities don’t come along often so I’m enjoying myself, taking it easy. Jeans and pants to the ankles, on the bed. After a bit we’re approaching critical mass… it’s a good one, even for a young ‘un who practically just found out there was indeed more fun things he could do with it than peeing.

BANG!

Wtf??? Was that the gate?? *shuffle over to look with trepidation out the window*

My f*cking sister is back? SH*T SH*T SH*T!

Okay, Okay, no need to panic, I’m upstairs, she’s just back she’s on her lunch she’s going to go to the kitchen and make a WHY IS SHE RUNNING UP THE STAIRS??!

I still have my pants around my ankles at this point, absolutely no idea why, I think in a vague hope I’d get to finish! I’m sweating like crazy at this point, my eyes are mad and staring, I’m like a crazy teen r*pist.

Okay, Okay, still nothing to worry about she’s going to her roo…

BANG! She grabs the handle, turns and pushes…

… THANK F*CK I LOCKED THE DOOR ! 1-0 for young teen paranoia right there! She was like some w*nkseeking blocker missile!

*stroke stroke*

“Why is the door locked?”

*stroke stroke* think… THIIIINK…… “.. What?”

“Why is the door locked!? What you doing !? Let me in!?”

*stroke stroke* don’t say touching yourself, don’t say touching yourself….

“I’m washing a bucket.”

“What?!”

What???! …

“I’m …. washing …a bucket?”

“Right what you talking about, let me in.”

Okay what the hell was that, I actually can’t believe I’ve just said that, there is actually no recovery from this, I am blatantly caught. For starters I am in a f*cking bedroom! There is no ensuite either, there is no taps or shower or even anyhing like a hose that might be described as the most rudimentry of bucket washing facilities! …and I don’t even have a f*cking bucket!!

*pulls up trousers and pants as quietly and quickly as possible and goes over to the door, unlocks, red faced*

“What were you doing?!”

“I was.. trying to copy videos and messing with the two video players, faither said not to touch them “ YES YES You absolute f*cking GENIUS! That’s brilliant, she will totally believe that.

“So that’s what you were doing! , I knew it wasn’t this washing a bucket p*sh”

“haha yes, you’re too clever for that” LULZ, there’s no cables between the video players or anything, she knows nothing of technology! I WIN!

Sadly though, I never got to finish until much later on during Countdown.

So there it is, a cautionary tale indeed filled with danger and romance, okay not romance but instead two midgets spit roasting a Texas blonde girl.

Get your excuses ready, make them good.

Don’t just try to wing it.

…and next time you need some me time, just you tell your fellow Legend in training straight.

You’re off to wash a bucket.

Ladies, don’t let the fact I’m a male make you think it’s not appropriate for you to use this too..

In fact if you think about it in many ways, as a metaphor, it’s more appropriate.

The Amazing Stick Contest

How to be a Legend at games.

It was halloween some years ago and I was at the traditional
bash down at Featherstone castle participating in some games.
It’s a whole weekend we’re there and there is games on the sat
all day basically. This year it was a stick contest, treasure hunt
and some light opera.

I was teamed with Lee, who quite honestly is the best person possibly I
could be teamed with since he is a complete rapscallion like myself.
Our ladies got teamed too. The treasure hunt involved solving clues and then
running to places to find the next and so on and so forth.

We got bored of that and decided to put all the money on the stick contest.

The stick contest, as if you didn’t know (and if you don’t know where the
hell have you been. proud tradition handed down through Scotchland for centuries
played every year normally on Rabbie Wallace night near where the
Loch Lomond monster hang’s out)

Is where the host shows you a rolled up bit of string, and you have to guess
how long it is by finding a stick of the appropriate length.

Now this is the biggy as far as we were concerned, we wanted to go down
as legends of stick contestry. All the women would want us and the men would
fear us as we demonstrated our power to guess the length of things by a
simple glance OH YES!.

So we gathered up what we felt was an amazing stick. so perfect and just
the complete example of stickness. A stick to end all sticks. Then we
got the bad boy and placed it with reverential care in the hallway with a
far lesser stick one of the other teams had entered in. THE FOOLS!.

Everyone went outside for the opera for the dinner and I Was left inside because
I was helping by putting the music on and being the spotlight guy due to me
having the mighty guns to hold the light. So… to recap

Everyone else is outside and busy…

I’m in the castle with a couple minutes to spare before I have
to go outside …

With the other team’s sticks…

…

*grins and rubs hands*

The first one was in the same room as me , and the fire burning merrily away
So I snapped that in two and threw it in there, I then unfortunately had to ran out
after I stilled my insane chortling at how brilliant my plan was.

I got got out, did the opera nonsense and then I grabbed Lee and told him of my amazing
deviousness. He was most impressed and together we made a vow to ensure victory.
So we hung back until everyone went inside and grabbed the stick of another team that
was just inside the door, replaced it with a MASSIVE stick that was clearly no use,
then threw it away into the private area, possibly stunning and/or killing
the gardener, Biggins.

there was only one team left now… Our ladies.

I know what you’re right now thinking… MALK!… your ladies??

Are you REALLY going to get yourself in tremendous trouble potentially for the sake of a idiotic
STICK contest?, and to that I direct you to previous paragraph where we VOWED to win.

VOWED, YOU IGNORANT SCUM!!!!!

So I did an amazing move, right when the dining room was most busy I casually walked
past it and swapped their stick for something less suitable then walked calmly
away and hid it somewhere. Giving Lee the thumbs up for a job well done.
We both then and pestered Phil the host to get the stick contest going fast as we could
while giggling like schoolboys.

Which he eventually did.

Team one was the first one to get checked. The one in the main room

“Where’s our stick” “I left it right here I can’t see it now”

Lee and I laughed.

“Hey!… Is that our stick in the fire??”

Lee and I collapsed laughing.

The stick was measured and found to be somewhat short

“Wait, This is a bit of it too”

The bit added was taking it to the perfect length

“HOLD ON!” Lee and I shouted as one
“you can’t just stick a bit from the fire onto something and say it’s the right length Phil” – Lee
“No, you can’t, That’s just cheating really” – Me, the biggest hypocrite in the world
Phil, knowing both me and Lee’s particular brand of ethics well but also having a mischievous streak in him agreed it would indeed be cheating and made note of the unmodified length.

It was still pretty good though worryingly.

STILL! onto the next one which was the ladies.

“Our stick is over here” they said proudly.

And walked over and found no such stick. “I think that’s meant to be it there” I said
as Phil picked up the small wooden spoon and Lee and I tried hard to contain our
rictus smile.

“THAT’S NOT OUR STICK, WHAT THE HELL, SOME ONE’S CHEATING!”

Lee and I looked at each other innocently and SHOCKED at this unfound accusation.
Phil said, straight faced that how could there possibly have been cheating and there was sour grapes clearly and I pointed out the completely poor effort shown by the estrogen gang. This earned both of us glares from the gang. They were not seeing the inherent comedy in stick pilfering

Moving swiftly downstairs the massive stick was measured and found to be far too long.
Again. More glaring from everyone.

Lee and I laughed.

We then got our stick measured… F*CK F*CK F*CK. It’s WELL long.
Panic. Terror. All that effort for nothing.

Phil had laid the string out and there was a good foot too long which was more out that the burnt one. BUT the first part of the string had been pulled away slightly and the measurement was no longer accurate, so Phil turned his back to Lee to start again.
Lee, my AMAZINGLY devious friend, then STAMPED hard right where the thread had ended behind Phils back and snapped it off then kicked it away in one smooth motion.
I nearly went gay for him.
OUR STICK WAS THE PERFECT LENGTH!!! We jumped about and cheered for the hard fought victory as Phil announced us as the winners in front of a hostile audience full of rancour. I then made a rousing victory speech about how they should have tried harder and not just grabbed some shitout the fire or the kitchen or the front of the castle door. Cutlery isn’t cutting it this time.
This was won on pure HEART and it’s a valuable lesson to them all.

Though they were silent, I think they were moved to tears internally. We won chocolate coins.

The rest of the night was spent playing a game with myself, lee and the ladies. 2 of us in a very good mood and the other 2 not so much.
“what did you get those coins for Lee? ” “These? Oh I got these for winning!” Didn’t even move them to a smile those frosty maidens. Not even when we done it repeatedly over several hours.

And though nearly everyone didn’t speak to us the next day, and there was a severe sex shortage going on for some time after it

we didn’t care.

We had won and went down in the legends.

So gather the kids around and tell them of our heroism. Tell them how to be a Legend. Pass it down through the generations and feel the swelling in your heart of the inspirational tale that is

The Amazing Stick Contest

Ebay Feedback

I was just looking over some of it.

Much as I love my ego stroked, I feel some of these go over the top.

THIS CUSTOMER IS WHAT EBAY IS ALL ABOUT! YOU ARE SMASHING!

Prompt email reply and extremely fast payment. The Best! Thanks!!

Good buyer, prompt payment, valued customer, highly recommended.
( I bought an item that total cost £2, once off him. Valued tho. He sensed the quality of that £2 compared to other peoples much higher in monetary value purchases. You can’t buy dignity.)

*-:¦:-• ‘*:•.-:¦:-•* 1ST CLASS! Highly Recommended Buyer !! *•-:¦:-• ””’*:•-
(It’s got little stars and junk in it, brilliant!)

A complete DOLL to deal with. It’s been a pleasure *MWAH* Highly Recommended
(I can pull even on f*cking EBAY)

Thanx for prompt payment … make sure you leave us positive and 5 stars!! A++++
(not so happy with this, no praise and a request for me to heap some on them? Not even sure the A++++ is meant for me, maybe they mean themselves, the blowhards)

And lastly

My favourite
Immensely speedy payment. Buyer is superior and exceptional.

Just from the speed of my payment this guy knows how LegendaryI am!

Someone called up to complain.

They had previously called up to ask if they could have a picture of  their daughter doing martial arts as their company backdrop and were informed that this wasn’t possible because we can’t have people having not the same background as this would potentially raise their spirits at no additional cost or risk.  Get back to work you mindless drone.

His complaint though was about the automated email he recieved from the system regarding how the analyst had logged the call.

“User wanted to have pictures of little girl on his computer. Told him no”

Fatties, I can heal you

First off, I will slam you.
Then I will help you.
It’s how I do my thing.
It’s important I crush all your arguments first.

OKAY YOU BLOATED RETARDS!,

Curvy woman does NOT mean a fat f*ck squeezed into a corset.
Cuddly men do not need to have a big huge gut and 3 chins.

There is nothing more “real” about a woman just because she’s in poor physical health.
Guys, stop calling people poofs because you’re jealous they take care of themselves.

The facts:

Your overweightness is unhealthy and unattractive. People who tell you otherwise are more than likely lying or are overweight themselves or unattractive some other way and think you’re the best they can do. Maybe they’re ginger.

People like other people who are in great shape. Don’t believe the lies to make you feel better.
All those people who said they’d f*ck you online. REALLY probably lying. or mean they would f*ck you, but they’d hide you from their mates. Maybe that’s what you’re going for ? Embarrassing d*ck sheath? Either way the corset ladies especially I imagine find themselves more of a one night stand kind of girl than a keeper.

Men like women who look like pamela anderson, angelina jolie
Women like guys who look like brad pitt, tom cruise or whatever

For god sakes you morons!, do you REALLY think your partner doesn’t want you looking like something from a porno ? ,large boobs, small waist, curvy without too much flab? c*ck not hidden by a beer gut, a nice 6 pack, some good lean muscle, wide chest and shoulders maybe? People just claim to not like traditionally attractive people out of jealousy and fear of rejection.

On a base level, everyone does really. It’s bred into you.

Attractiveness is NOT decided by you. You can’t say you’re attractive, it’s really not for you to decide, Tons of Fun.
It’s by how many people find you attractive and to what level.

Some of the Lies:

You’ll know these I’m sure.

“I’m big boned”

No. You really aren’t. There are NO big bones unless you’re a dinosaur. You ever seen a fat skeleton?
No. Big bones covered in gobbets of flesh, that’s what you got there.

“I can’t lose weight”

Yes. Yes you can. You don’t get fat starving people for instance. It’s just the way the body works. Less calories than you use in a controlled way = weight loss. It’s just bloody obvious.

“I don’t have time to workout”

BOLLOCKS, Absolute Bollocks. You whining maggot. If you watch any Tv show ever, read

any books or do anything except sleep eat and take care of something EVER even if it’s just 20 mins, then you have time to work out.

“I want to enjoy life”

You excuse making ponce, that’s just trying to make it sound like a choice when you hide away eating a big pile of junk in the corner to make yourself feel better. You’ll enjoy life better if you could buy normal size clothes. And you’ll also live longer too, so get more time to enjoy it. You did not say to yourself “my god, I want to be big and fat and have my clothes look too tight and horrible and people to stare at me”

“I’ve tried everything” No you haven’t. You haven’t tried adopting a sensible eating approach and exercise plan and

STICKING WITH IT.

“It’s my genetics”

F*ck Off. Yes I am aware there are 3 basic morphs. Skinny, fat and middle. Skinny have trouble putting on mass, fat has trouble taking it off and middle are just lucky because they can put muscle on easy and trim fat… BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T LOSE WEIGHT OR LOOK BETTER THAN YOU DO. You’re not destined to be overweight, just bigger scaled, you can still have a good stomach or arms or arse and so on!

On a simple level here’s some advice that will instantly put you on the road to success.

1. Eat slowly and stop as soon as you’re not hungry.

Ah how easy is that one? Can you really say there is ANY possible reason you can’t do that?
You can eat more if you get hungry later. In fact, it’s important to get hungry later. You should never feel stuffed

or that full or ever really that hungry either. You want to turn into an efficient metabolism MACHINE.

2. Try to eat every 3 hours. 200-300 calories. 20 Grams of protein, slow release carbs.

Bit tricker but nearly always do able. This helps keep your blood sugar constant. It’s when it peaks or troughs that you start craving and losing control of your eating. Start craving those fast sugars and sweets.
By eating this way you give your muscles fuel to burn fat and don’t go hungry. You want things like oats, fruit, low fat natural yoghurt, eggs, lean meats, salads, watch the dressing. breads with seeds in it.
Eat as soon as you wake up too, this is important. When you sleep your metabolism slows down to a much slower resting rate and stays like this until you eat something. If you eat something as soon as possible when waking up your instantly burning more calories than you would than if you didn’t. This means more weight lost in the long term and a more productive and energetic morning you.
3. Stop eating sweets, white or brown breads, near all breakfast cereals and potatoes all the time
They’re all just sh*t. really just sh*t. Don’t believe the adverts. They suck nutritionally. Stop. Easy.

4. Workout intensely as possible. 30 mins intense is better than 1 hour f*cking about talking to your mate as you walk on the treadmill. Stop wasting your time.
Never mind all the shit you see with easy calorie burning, do cardio all time to burn fat and so on. It’s crap. and is why you keep failing. Lift weights, do resistance stuff, circuit training , make the heart pump like crazy , the sweat drip and you’ll feel it more.
Each pound of lean muscle mass burns 60 calories in a day without you doing ANYTHING, you put on 10lbs, you’re now burning extra 600 calories a day, for nothing. You can’t do that with cardio on it’s own.
LADIES, you seem to think that if you lift weights 3 times a week for 30 mins you’ll get all massive buff and so avoid it. … HAHAHA yeah.
It’s not that easy. Really. You’re safe.
It takes one of those huge women about 20 hours a week lifting weights and eating 6000 calories a day to look like that. Don’t be f*cking ridiculous.
And the best part is you’ll grow to like it if you push yourself because of endorphins. Can’t beat that can you!?

5. If you f*ck up, it is NOT permission to f*ck up more
Just because you had a biscuit doesn’t mean you have “ruined it” and should now have the whole pack because “it doesn’t matter” (also a broken one counts, yes, yes it does Lunchbox). You made an error. Leave the rest and just get on with it. Get some fruit. last one for now
6. Try to carry a bit of fruit around with you, in case you get hungry. Low fat bars etc are mostly shit. Avoid processed foods if possible. Take the lil extra time to make stuff yourself. Doesn’t need to be organic, that’s another thing that’s mostly a stupid myth and media hype.

Do NOT come to me with f*cking excuses like the above.
Do NOT argue with me when I tell you to do something. Just f*cking do it.
I will make you healthy and thinner.

Choice

If I have any kind of philosophy I subscribe to I would have to say it was the doctrine of choice.  I believe that in most cases that anyone in the situation where they can read this on a webpage is pretty much master or mistress of their own fate. People seem to have this idea that “it’s not my fault” or some other such crap. I ‘m wondering whose fault is it, is it genuinely not your fault? I mean really?

The classic is “Well I was drunk”… and? what’s the excuse there mate, who forced you to get drunk? Other examples are when caught speeding “it shouldn’t be as slow as that there”. Well tough it f*cking is and you knew it and you went for it like Evil Knievel anyway so what you whining about maggot?! I’m big on choice basically. Free will (which exists so nullifies any fortune telling btw). I’m really wanting to help people lose weight. I genuinely want to do this, there will be details here shortly. I have everything you need, and I’ve already done it so I can tell you from experience.

Here’s something I REALLY don’t want though. People who tell me “I want to lose weight” but also know pretty much what I’m telling them already.  I don’t understand this at all, you want to lose weight I thought? I mean what exactly do you mean when you said you wanted to lose weight? You know what to do , you’ve told me you want to, but then you’re not. What’s the issue here?.

So here’s the thing, it’s not much I ask for I think in exchange for a lot of help… If you want to lose weight, then you do it. I’ll tell you how, it’s not complicated, it’s not even that hard, it’s not a gimmick. In exchange you quit whining and making excuses and just actually do it, even if you disagree or it’s a bit hard at first.

Deal?

Being Late

This happens all the time lets be honest, unless you’re one of those total ballsacks who wake up all perky and filled with the joys of a fresh day. I hate you lot by the way. Just so we’re clear the only way I get up in the morning is with 23 alarms going off, a Rottweiler on a timed release and 4 beautiful women in the kitchen making me eggs. One makes the eggs and the others stand around being amazed by fire.

Anyway shut up and stop putting me off, yeah , being late.  If your manager or Team Leader or whatever they’re calling them in your department these days is a pretty experienced TL then they’re probably heard all the standard excuses. They’re sick of hearing the train was late or u slept in or you couldn’t find your keys so get a bit creative with your excuse making. Does it actually REALLY matter why you’re late, you’re late, and presumably you couldn’t help it. If you could help it you’re going to lie and say you couldn’t anyway so there’s no point in worrying there. It’s one of the times I actually advocate lying because it’s not really lying, everyone knows you’re lying anyway since we all know the reason you didn’t get up in time is the bed is tasty in the morning. You’ve been in it all night and it’s warm and soft and comfy and you’re wrapped up in your blanket like a little kitten under its mum’s furry bosom.  purrrrrrr

Anyway here’s some sample of ideas you can use, everyone gets a laugh and people will give you big props for having the nuts to come out with this stuff.  Be warned though, if you’re late all the time you’ll probably get sacked eventually after a long corporatey trial of nothingness so as in anything I advise there’s really no excuse for being completely incompetent and lazy, before you ask, yes, I’ve used most of these so far..

1. I was staying at this girls and her husband burst in fresh from leave in ‘Nam, I had to swiftly hide under the bed where upon he, with rigorous vigor , spent the night achieving the kind of enjoyment I had hoped to be having. This delayed my subsequent departure next day and then my arrival here today.
2. I kid you not, Godzilla.
3. I borrowed my friends Delorean and I was rushing down the motorway, soon as I hit 88 miles per hour though I seen some serious shit. (If they’re smart they’ll see the flaw in this in that you should have been early, but they’re managers so you’re probably okay. Also if you don’t understand this one stop reading at the end of this paragraph, find and watch Back to The Future you cave troll.)
4. Describe in intimate detail what you did when you got up until they lose all thread about what you were talking about. E.g. “I awoke sharply at 6, my alarm clocks harsh tones slicing through my tranquillity of thought as I had rested, slumbering peacefully though a dream involving a yak,  a fish and a strange Yiddish woman. Dreamily and drearily I stretched magnificently as my muscles and joints popped and groaned in protestation….” Eventually they’ll get bored and just want you to go work because they have to go to yet another pointless meeting.
5. This one’s easily my favourite. Stigmata. I had a bit of a case of stigmata in the morning , nothing too serious just the wrists and a bit of a forehead rash luckily it all cleared up but not until I wrote out some profanity on my walls in poop. Tough times.

Hell my excuses have become so legendary they sometimes look forward to me showing up late. There was one time and one time only I used the slept in excuse and that’s because I slept in 5.5 HOURS late for my shift. Nearly the whole shift basically. In that case I felt the truth was more than hilarious enough to just say without causing boredom. (I got referred to as Bagpuss for a while). I went in though. Fkin’ trooper I tell ya.

This game was actually not invented by me. It was by a good friend of mine originally and then we kind of refined it. There’s a few rules to it.

1. You must be completely sober. This is not drunken lout behaviour this is a joyous expression of the power of shout and shame.

2. You can’t be using swears. It’s a classy game. Obviously words that are embarassing to some people but not actually swear words are good. Correct clinical names for genitalia for example.

3. 1-3 words for a good rule of thumb. If you can’t say what’s required in a short amount of words then you shouldn’t play.

4. There must be at least one other person with you. Their knowledge or participication is not required though so just need to be with you.

Now onto the play. What you have to do is when you’re walking about just randomly shout out loudly. It feels brilliant and boosts your confidence for the simple reason it makes everyone else feel nervous. Especially the person you’re with who is likely to become extremely embaressed. They might want you to stop. Refuse!

Let them know the only way to not be embaressed by the random shouting out game is to become part of the random shouting out game. Its true. As the shouter you never feel embaressed because you’re a lung powered rocketship soaring above. As the other person you’re just standing there trying to tell people that it wasn’t you.

Sometimes just wandering around you find another player of sorts. They’re often in larger cities on a box of some sort and shouting about jesus. They probably don’t even realise they’re involved in something much bigger than jesus but you should let them know by shouting things at them randomly until they get the hang of it.

The police are rubbish at the game incidently so don’t play with them.