How to be a Legend

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:30):

hello

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:31):

hey

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:32):

who be this btw, you added me but there’s no pic up or anything

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:32):

i’m 21/f your a male right?

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:34):

That’s not what I asked

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:34):

nice, I just got off work and finally got some time to relax which site did i msg you from again?

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:35):

Nice?

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:35):

I know a way we can chat and have a better time.. do you cam?

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:35):

Never

I hate cams

and women

naked especially

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:35):

Well i don’t do yahoo cam or any other cam because i have been recorded before… But i do know one site you can watch me on cam, that assures me no one records…

I mean… Do you want to see me on my cam?

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:35):

It doesn’t assure you no one records, why would they not be able to record it, it’s an image on the screen the same

No definitely not

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:36):

We’ve been over this

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:36):

Ok go to http://www.freecamlink.net/aesn accept the invite on the page baby

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:36):

It’s like you’re not even listening. I really don’t see this relationship going anywhere

simonamacugay31@hotmail.com says (21:36):

sweet, fill out the info ur info.. i can not wait for you to see me baby let me find something nice to wear

Clown – http://www.howtobealegend.com says (21:37):

… whore.

How Not To Be a Legend at Movies – New Releases 01/01/10ish

Okay I’ve seen a few movies recently that are bad, disappointingly so. I’d go even further and say in one case in particular it was closer to just plain soul destroying. I don’t believe in souls but if it I did I’d presently be sitting here considering it to have been completely and thoroughly wrecked.

The following words will contain what is known as spoilers. This means it tells you things about the movies not usually known in the trailers or whatever.

That is completely academic though because none of you b*tches should be going to see these atrocities at the cinema even if they were still available and if you’ve only rented it on DVD you’ll turn it off after a few minutes once you realise that once again I am right.

I’m always right.

I’m doing them in reverse order of horrendousness. There’s other crap movies out there but these ones have really pushed the boat out in terms of making you thoroughly regret leaving the house.

A Serious Man

This is a Coen brothers movie. That’s the guys who brought you Fargo, The Hudsucker Proxy,Bad Santa, Burn after Reading and The Big Lebowski. The last of which is a genuine Legendary movie and will be on the list. So I was expecting something decent really. Quirky characters, cheeky dialogue and a small element of confusion was on my menu.

However despite what I actually ordered what I got was a wee Jewish guy getting b*ttfucked for an hour and a half. (Haven’t they suffered enough?). This movie is apparently a retelling of the Tale of Job from the most well known fiction book in the world, The Bible. Basically the God and The Devil have a wager or something that God can bully and beat up some guy called Job… Ya know what, I don’t like the name Job. I’ll pretend to be a church leader for a second and just edit church doctrine to suit my own agenda….

The God and the Devil have a wager or something God can bully and beat up some guy called Chip and at the end of it , Chip will still be loving God no worries. It’s a morality story I’m told to instruct that God likes showing off and will randomly sh*t on his best followers just for the lulz. I would never do that by the way, which is why God’s given it all up and started worshipping me

The guy in this movie I can’t even remember the name of gets random bad stuff happening to him while he tries to see various rabbis. Nothing actually happens that’s terribly funny. I’d like to pick out some highlights of something decent that happened but the movie isn’t really working with me on that one. Then it just ends. P*sh.

If you really want to see a Jewish guy get screwed over for hours then still don’t see this. See Schindlers List or something, it’s black and white like in The Olden Days. Pretty sure it even has a point and, like Star Wars, is based on actual history.

3 stars only if you know your religious fiction.

Daybreakers

I was expecting quite a lot from this movie. It’s a vampire apocalypse type movie where most of the population are vampires and the rest are food and kept in huge storage things like the matrix. This prompted some very VERY lazy reviewers to say it was a cross between Blade and The Matrix. It’s nothing like either of those movies d*ckwad!.

The main character is a vampire who’s sad he’s a vampire and is also a haematologist. A blood guy. He’s been trying to make a synthetic blood for like 3 years or something so that they can stop hurting and treating humans like cattle. The other reason is there’s not enough food (people) to last another month really so everyone is starving to death and turning into weird f*cked up looking vampires that are all mutated and batty. It’s kind of annoying writing this synopsis because it still sounds awesome, it’s even got Willem Dafoe in it!.

So why is it really cr*p?

It’s boring. That’s the long and short of it. Everyone seems really dull, even the main character. It doesn’t come across as terrifically believable and I’m not sure but I’m pretty sure a case could be made that the dude is the worst haematologist in the world. He’s f*cking about for years trying to sort synthetic blood and can’t do it, he f*cks off to get cosy with the humans and his assistant cracks it in two weeks!. Plus turns out you can change back to a human if you get just the right amount of burning by the Sun but then, even easier, if a vampire drinks the blood of such a turnback, it turns into a human again also. This comes as a big surprise later in the movie even though I’m reasonably sure that any haematologist worth his salt would think of mixing the returned human’s blood with some vampire blood to see what happens. We’ve already established that he’s totally useless in his chosen profession though. Still at least he’s not a total whiny boring wimp. Ah no, he is.

There’s a lot of chat in this movie. I don’t mean good quality dialogue either. I mean chat.

Chat: The opposite of banter or “fun and exciting cheeky conversation”. The kind of talking you do with store assistants when buying a bag of peanuts.

It felt like it was about 3 hours long, but it was only hour and half I think.

It’s only getting two stars due to the sheer botched potential of it.

The Road

Finally we are here. The worst movie I have seen in a long time, even more than the above two movies I’ve shredded. Viggo Morteson and his son are in a post apocalyptic world in a struggle to survive. The real struggle to survive was me to survive to watch the end of this movie, in a desperate bid to see if something,anything, would happen. There’s basically like 4 things going on in this movie and then it just repeats. There’s bands of cannibal rapists cutting about. Sounds pretty exciting right ? Correct!, so they’re barely in it. No need for thrills in this movie, nope not when we can have…

1. Long panoramic shots of rusty cars and bleak landscapes, looking very grey and brown, accompanied by a weary Viggo talking in a monotone voice about how sad everything is but how he’s chugging on, for the sake of the boy. There’s a good 3-4 of these sequences. All dull, bleak and depressing.
2. Shot of him and the boy scrounging a living with food. Again a good 3-4 of these. With them shivering or making *isn’t this good* faces at each other over the fire, the boy asking irritating stupid questions because he’s 10 and that’s what they do.
3. Viggo telling the boy they have to get moving along the road. There’s a lot of that. I thought the boy would get the gist of the idea pretty early. They’ve apparently been f*cking about for some years.
4. Flashbacks to Viggo and his missus back in the day and at the start. She walks away to die in the snow and tells Viggo to go south to the coast because its warmer. Pretty sensible advice from Suicide Suzie all in all.

Viggo gets naked a couple times too, to show how scrawny and starving he is and that he’s a real actor. It’s minging. At one point he starts messing around with a gold ring and I thought he’d got mixed up what movie he was in. So they’re basically spending the whole movie going south to the beach. Common themes include Viggo training the boy to last on his own because he’s not going to be around forever and the boy never listening and just having friendly chat with whatever total freaks happen to be cutting about.

They get to the beach and Viggys coughing loads. Dies. Leaving the boy alone. Boy meets a guy (that is Guy Pearce who’s already done some cannibalism in his time) who has a family and they’ve apparently been following him the whole time and waiting for him to be alone. Despite them actually telling him these things that make them sound like the Rapist Brady Bunch the boy decides to stay with them. Hooking up minutes after his dads scrawny ass died.

Everyone in this movie is absolutely f*cking stinking looking too. It’s authentic that way, they look totally unwashed and scummy as anything. They’d not be invited to a garden party for sure.

On top of this everything is just so absolutely depressing and hopeless you really can’t feel much sympathy for either of the main characters. I mean genuinely what is the bloody point of it when you’re going to be dead soon, chances are in a horrific way.

I just wanted this movie to end after about 10 minutes, instead I spent what felt like two hours being raped by a Dementor. I was cheering the cannibal rapists to get ahold of them and just kill them because I wanted the movie to be over so much.

Minus stars.

All these movies share a couple of common things wrong with them I’ve since realised after writing this. It’s all dull characters that you don’t care about if they die, in fact because of how boring they’ve managed to make things that should be actually good in the movie you just want them to fail and die to get things over and done with.

I watch these movies so you don’t have to, but some people who don’t realise how completely Legend I am will still want to check them out and you should go fill your boots and do that. However when you’re about 10-15 minutes into them and getting the terrible feeling I’m right, just leave then, I am.

It’s not going to get better.

Remember , reviews are opinions and not fact. Except my reviews. These movies all suck.

FACT.

I hate email chains. There’s no end to them. Chances are, I blame you.

I don’t really mind a good joke that has been getting fired about because it’s actually really funny so you get it in your inbox every couple of years as it pings electronically around the world.

What annoys the hell out of me (and gets your email address blocked if you keep sending me them when I’ve already told you not to) is people who send on some of the following.

• Virus warnings
• Email Petitions about bad things happening somewhere that need to be stopped
• Send this email test router thing to 30 people and microsoft or another company know and send you a present like an ipod
• If you don’t forward it on to ten people, you will die in 3 days, never have sex, blah blah. If you do you’ll get money and happiness.
• MSN, Facebook etc is shutting down, going to charge you to use them, or shut you down if you don’t forward on.
• Missing people

Now none of these essentially seem that bad to you, but let me explain.

Virus Warnings:

Forwarding one of these is probably the most useless thing you can ever do.

Most of them are fake for one thing “All the letters drop off the screen,your harddrive explodes,the dog tries to bite you and your partner finds out you’re cheating with that wh*re Angela in Sales”. Then you’ve got the ones that ARE genuine but it was about a year ago, and people are still going to send it despite the fact that it’s clearly been patched loooong ago or all the computers in the world would be f*cked by now. Rarely, VERY Rarely it is a genuine threat. Chances are if it’s not from a large antivirus company whose newsletter you have signed up for, it’s probably fake. Some of you will be saying “Well I’m not technical, how am I meant to know?!”. Well, you excuse making b*wbag, I’ll tell you at the end of the article.

Email petitions about bad things happening somewhere that need to be stopped:

There’s a massive variety of these. I’m sure you’ve seen some of them.

Examples are:

• women are treated badly in other countries/this one
• war about something
• kids somewhere being bummed
• murderers and rapists being let loose

Now I’m not saying those aren’t all bad things and shouldn’t indeed be stopped I’m just trying to say that adding your name to a list of names and then forwarding it on to everyone you know to do the same unless you’re the hundredth name in which case you forward it on to govermentofficial@goverment.com or something similar is not only a waste of your time but also a bit self serving. You think you’ve done anything there?.

You’ve not.

I’ll tell you why you haven’t. There are two main reasons. One is a probable and one is a certainty.

The important one though is the certainty and that’s this. No one, anywhere in the world will take a list of names on an email as serious because it’s just far too easy to fake. Look I’ll demonstrate.

I’m against this, Cindy Smith , Texas

NO! , Brian Mulhoney , Bristol, England

I feel this should be stopped!, Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes, Aberdeen.

Now are you convinced that I went and got these 3 people to write that on this computer before uploading it to the website? No. Neither is anyone else when you forward on an email. There are many places now that do online petitions that you do have to register for and they can be done and are worthwhile and listened to I believe. No one is convinced by a list of possibly made up names on an email chain letter. Which brings us nicely to the next reason that it was a waste of time.

Let’s say you’re the last one on this w*nker Relay race so it’s your job to send that baton back to the umpire. Okay that analogy lost all meaning quickly, they don’t even have umpires in relay races.

Anyway, you forward that badboy email onto govermentofficial@govermentplace.com and one of two things is very likely to happen.

1. You get an undeliverable report back saying that email doesn’t exist. Either because it never existed and you’ve now just realised these chain emails are made up by total pranksters for the lulz, or because the person who had that email has left or indeed had a new one made up to stop getting emails like that in.
2. You never hear anything back. The reason you’ve not heard anything back is not that The Man is not listening to you, it’s that companies have spam filters up on their email systems to stop spam/junk email and your email is caught in the “net”. You know why it’s been trapped by the Spam filter? because it’s f*cking Spam! Stop wasting people’s time!

Forward this email test router thing to 30 people and Microsoft, Apple or some other company know and love you for it and send you a present like an ipod,xpox,soul:

The only reason these ever get forwarded is because most people aren’t technical. That’s not an actual excuse though as I’ll explain in the closing chapter. This doesn’t happen. Ever. I’m aware you “know” someone who did but be honest, you know that’s a lie and you just heard about it, same as everyone else.They and anyone else can’t really track emails like that without a lot of effort. The effort is not worth it. It doesn’t even make sense anyway. What is being checked exactly? Who the f*ck doesn’t know that emails work and go all over the place? Why is that information of value to ANYONE? How will they get your address?.

Cmon, seriously, stop being such a gullible chimp.

If you don’t forward it on to ten people, you will die in 3 days, never have sex, blah blah. If you do you’ll get money and happiness:

You know it’s crap, I know it’s crap. Stop it.

MSN, Facebook etc is shutting down, going to charge you to use them, or shut you down if you don’t forward on.:

None of these are true. Think about it for a sec, why isn’t this global news on every tv channel and in every newspaper? We’re talking millions and millions of people affected by one of the most well known brands in the world!. Why would they even shut it down or charge anyway, they exist for advertising their and other’s products and to charge or shut it down would deprive them of that and generate a lot of bad will when people leave!

These would be some of the worst mistakes you could make as a company and they didn’t get to where they are by being stupid. Panic’s exciting and why newspapers sell but it shouldn’t stop you taking a couple minutes to go “wait….. that sounds unlikely”.

Missing people:

Some questions to consider:

1. Are they actually missing is this real?
2. Where are they missing? If it’s the other side of the world you’re kinda wasting your time unless it’s Carmen Sandiago.
3. How old is this? , are they since found people?

These again are often old, rubbish or pointless. How can I know though, better to forward them all to be sure! It might help! No, there’s a better way.

So what am I meant to do then?

Well… chances are since this is about email chains that means you have an internet connection. This means you have access to search engines, like Google. How about, and this is novel I grant you, spending the same amount of time you’d take forwarding it on blindly to SEARCH AND SEE IF ITS A LOAD OF P*SH!

Even if its at work, it’s a legitimate work use to not spam up their email systems.

There’s loads of sites, I’ve had a few chain emails in , stick the title in google and BANG!, usually the first link “Missing Person Jimmy Neebs – Hoax Email Chain”. There you go and now you’ve saved all those other people from ever receiving this crap.

Wasn’t that a hell of a lot more productive use of the same amount of time?

The same sites will come up time and again, www.snopes.com is one of the most likely, dealing with urban legends and the like that many of these are basically. AntiVirus sites like www.mcafee.com will come up for virus warning chain emails.

Hopefully this has both enlightened and entertained you and you’ll at least take a brief second to think about how much time you’re wasting and how big a muppet you’re being by just following the herd and sending it on “just in case”.

There’s lots of things you can do “just in case”, doesn’t mean you should wear two pairs of pants though does it.

Note to My Parents: Stop reading this section now, it will do you no good to know this..

Ever been caught masturbating? (Now that’s a hook)

I haven’t quite. I nearly have though and certainly will be if this confession of sorts gets read by the right people, but that’s for me to worry about.
Don’t you sweat it.

The importance of thinking ahead can’t be stated enough . Like this website for example, I thought ahead and then chose the name of howtobealegend. That’s because I wanted to teach people How to be a Legend. It’s genius like that that qualifies me to run this site.

There’s other situations where it’s even more important to think ahead though and that’s when you’re being naughty. Specifically,where getting caught might possibly occur. Legend’s have a decent excuse ready and waiting because if you don’t then you might end up using a bad one. A REALLY bad one. To demonstrate a REALLY bad one, and hopefully to introduce a new term for masturbation into the general populace, here is a story that I tell with a mixture of both shame and pride….mostly shame.

First off, a small defence. I was young. I didn’t know how to be a legend yet. I hadn’t done any of this site for one thing. You don’t understand how lucky you are to have me. What you need to realise,ladies, is that when you’re a young guy of like 12,13ish you’re just all about touching yourself. You’d touch others if you could but chances are you’re not quite cool, hot or confident enough to be thinking about showing off some smooth moves to the sounds of Barry White.

I mean seriously, your c*ck is pretty much glued to your hand. Depending on your personal hygiene and “output” level this might literally be the case after a few goes. Plus pretty much anything will set you off thinking of doing all sorts of things. This was a bit before the internet quite hit off so your options were a lot more limited. If your dad didn’t have some stuff you’re stuck hoping your parents buy The Sun or Nigella comes on the TV. She’s a dirty b*tch and we all know it.

Anyway, I was lucky because my legendad had some legend porn. But it’s not DVD times remember, we’re talking VHS. Now the thing about VHS that you probably forgot about was that you had to rewind them. That means when you’re sneaking peeks at your dads porny tapes you found up the back of the cupboard you need to make sure and reset the video counter so that you can rewind it to exactly the same spot. Top tip should they ever retro back there.

So I’m in the house alone, school hols or something I dunno really. My mum and dad are out, my sister is at her work down the road. Not due back for a wee bit. That means it’s time to take a wee sly saunter through to my parents bedroom, up to the back of the cupboard on my tip toes and grab these suspicious unmarked tapes hidden up the back. Then it’s a little me time needed.

These opportunities don’t come along often so I’m enjoying myself, taking it easy. Jeans and pants to the ankles, on the bed. After a bit we’re approaching critical mass… it’s a good one, even for a young ‘un who practically just found out there was indeed more fun things he could do with it than peeing.

BANG!

Wtf??? Was that the gate?? *shuffle over to look with trepidation out the window*

My f*cking sister is back? SH*T SH*T SH*T!

Okay, Okay, no need to panic, I’m upstairs, she’s just back she’s on her lunch she’s going to go to the kitchen and make a WHY IS SHE RUNNING UP THE STAIRS??!

I still have my pants around my ankles at this point, absolutely no idea why, I think in a vague hope I’d get to finish! I’m sweating like crazy at this point, my eyes are mad and staring, I’m like a crazy teen r*pist.

Okay, Okay, still nothing to worry about she’s going to her roo…

BANG! She grabs the handle, turns and pushes…

… THANK F*CK I LOCKED THE DOOR ! 1-0 for young teen paranoia right there! She was like some w*nkseeking blocker missile!

*stroke stroke*

“Why is the door locked?”

*stroke stroke* think… THIIIINK…… “.. What?”

“Why is the door locked!? What you doing !? Let me in!?”

*stroke stroke* don’t say touching yourself, don’t say touching yourself….

“I’m washing a bucket.”

“What?!”

What???! …

“I’m …. washing …a bucket?”

“Right what you talking about, let me in.”

Okay what the hell was that, I actually can’t believe I’ve just said that, there is actually no recovery from this, I am blatantly caught. For starters I am in a f*cking bedroom! There is no ensuite either, there is no taps or shower or even anyhing like a hose that might be described as the most rudimentry of bucket washing facilities! …and I don’t even have a f*cking bucket!!

*pulls up trousers and pants as quietly and quickly as possible and goes over to the door, unlocks, red faced*

“What were you doing?!”

“I was.. trying to copy videos and messing with the two video players, faither said not to touch them “ YES YES You absolute f*cking GENIUS! That’s brilliant, she will totally believe that.

“So that’s what you were doing! , I knew it wasn’t this washing a bucket p*sh”

“haha yes, you’re too clever for that” LULZ, there’s no cables between the video players or anything, she knows nothing of technology! I WIN!

Sadly though, I never got to finish until much later on during Countdown.

So there it is, a cautionary tale indeed filled with danger and romance, okay not romance but instead two midgets spit roasting a Texas blonde girl.

Get your excuses ready, make them good.

Don’t just try to wing it.

…and next time you need some me time, just you tell your fellow Legend in training straight.

You’re off to wash a bucket.

Ladies, don’t let the fact I’m a male make you think it’s not appropriate for you to use this too..

In fact if you think about it in many ways, as a metaphor, it’s more appropriate.

This is a text back and forth with one of my mates, she’s a lot nicer than me and actually just doesn’t get some of my stuff because she is not quite as morally bereft humor wise as me.

I do it for The Lulz.

Bardot: I hate casualty

Malk: The Program or did you have an accident?

Bardot: The Programme! Lol, it was so horrible! Xx

Malk: What happened ? .

Bardot: A Baby died. Me, mum and my sister were all crying ! L Xx

Malk: I wouldn’t care, I’d be thinking “wooo narrow save there”

Bardot: Huh? What does that mean? Lol Xx

Malk: Avoided having to look after it etc. Back to easy living x

Bardot: Omg, that is nasty! Xx

Malk:. Why?? is like last minute abortion win x

Bardot: That’s not very funny

Malk: Ah it’s not bad, not like I said could make a sammich out of it

Bardot: What?

Malk: Shishkababy!

Bardot: What are you on about?

I changed the subject there, I reckon she’d just have got upset. That’s showing Tact there I hope you all notice. Normally not seen anywhere in my repertoire of chat.

Tact comes from the same root as tactic. This is why I have never declared war on anything. If I was going to declare war on something though, it would be against Fishermen. They’d be useless in a land battle. All rolling gait and squints with big red faces. Anyway I forgot what the hell I was talking about, doesn’t matter.

KILL FISHERMEN!

The Amazing Stick Contest

How to be a Legend at games.

It was halloween some years ago and I was at the traditional
bash down at Featherstone castle participating in some games.
It’s a whole weekend we’re there and there is games on the sat
all day basically. This year it was a stick contest, treasure hunt
and some light opera.

I was teamed with Lee, who quite honestly is the best person possibly I
could be teamed with since he is a complete rapscallion like myself.
Our ladies got teamed too. The treasure hunt involved solving clues and then
running to places to find the next and so on and so forth.

We got bored of that and decided to put all the money on the stick contest.

The stick contest, as if you didn’t know (and if you don’t know where the
hell have you been. proud tradition handed down through Scotchland for centuries
played every year normally on Rabbie Wallace night near where the
Loch Lomond monster hang’s out)

Is where the host shows you a rolled up bit of string, and you have to guess
how long it is by finding a stick of the appropriate length.

Now this is the biggy as far as we were concerned, we wanted to go down
as legends of stick contestry. All the women would want us and the men would
fear us as we demonstrated our power to guess the length of things by a
simple glance OH YES!.

So we gathered up what we felt was an amazing stick. so perfect and just
the complete example of stickness. A stick to end all sticks. Then we
got the bad boy and placed it with reverential care in the hallway with a
far lesser stick one of the other teams had entered in. THE FOOLS!.

Everyone went outside for the opera for the dinner and I Was left inside because
I was helping by putting the music on and being the spotlight guy due to me
having the mighty guns to hold the light. So… to recap

Everyone else is outside and busy…

I’m in the castle with a couple minutes to spare before I have
to go outside …

With the other team’s sticks…

…

*grins and rubs hands*

The first one was in the same room as me , and the fire burning merrily away
So I snapped that in two and threw it in there, I then unfortunately had to ran out
after I stilled my insane chortling at how brilliant my plan was.

I got got out, did the opera nonsense and then I grabbed Lee and told him of my amazing
deviousness. He was most impressed and together we made a vow to ensure victory.
So we hung back until everyone went inside and grabbed the stick of another team that
was just inside the door, replaced it with a MASSIVE stick that was clearly no use,
then threw it away into the private area, possibly stunning and/or killing
the gardener, Biggins.

there was only one team left now… Our ladies.

I know what you’re right now thinking… MALK!… your ladies??

Are you REALLY going to get yourself in tremendous trouble potentially for the sake of a idiotic
STICK contest?, and to that I direct you to previous paragraph where we VOWED to win.

VOWED, YOU IGNORANT SCUM!!!!!

So I did an amazing move, right when the dining room was most busy I casually walked
past it and swapped their stick for something less suitable then walked calmly
away and hid it somewhere. Giving Lee the thumbs up for a job well done.
We both then and pestered Phil the host to get the stick contest going fast as we could
while giggling like schoolboys.

Which he eventually did.

Team one was the first one to get checked. The one in the main room

“Where’s our stick” “I left it right here I can’t see it now”

Lee and I laughed.

“Hey!… Is that our stick in the fire??”

Lee and I collapsed laughing.

The stick was measured and found to be somewhat short

“Wait, This is a bit of it too”

The bit added was taking it to the perfect length

“HOLD ON!” Lee and I shouted as one
“you can’t just stick a bit from the fire onto something and say it’s the right length Phil” – Lee
“No, you can’t, That’s just cheating really” – Me, the biggest hypocrite in the world
Phil, knowing both me and Lee’s particular brand of ethics well but also having a mischievous streak in him agreed it would indeed be cheating and made note of the unmodified length.

It was still pretty good though worryingly.

STILL! onto the next one which was the ladies.

“Our stick is over here” they said proudly.

And walked over and found no such stick. “I think that’s meant to be it there” I said
as Phil picked up the small wooden spoon and Lee and I tried hard to contain our
rictus smile.

“THAT’S NOT OUR STICK, WHAT THE HELL, SOME ONE’S CHEATING!”

Lee and I looked at each other innocently and SHOCKED at this unfound accusation.
Phil said, straight faced that how could there possibly have been cheating and there was sour grapes clearly and I pointed out the completely poor effort shown by the estrogen gang. This earned both of us glares from the gang. They were not seeing the inherent comedy in stick pilfering

Moving swiftly downstairs the massive stick was measured and found to be far too long.
Again. More glaring from everyone.

Lee and I laughed.

We then got our stick measured… F*CK F*CK F*CK. It’s WELL long.
Panic. Terror. All that effort for nothing.

Phil had laid the string out and there was a good foot too long which was more out that the burnt one. BUT the first part of the string had been pulled away slightly and the measurement was no longer accurate, so Phil turned his back to Lee to start again.
Lee, my AMAZINGLY devious friend, then STAMPED hard right where the thread had ended behind Phils back and snapped it off then kicked it away in one smooth motion.
I nearly went gay for him.
OUR STICK WAS THE PERFECT LENGTH!!! We jumped about and cheered for the hard fought victory as Phil announced us as the winners in front of a hostile audience full of rancour. I then made a rousing victory speech about how they should have tried harder and not just grabbed some shitout the fire or the kitchen or the front of the castle door. Cutlery isn’t cutting it this time.
This was won on pure HEART and it’s a valuable lesson to them all.

Though they were silent, I think they were moved to tears internally. We won chocolate coins.

The rest of the night was spent playing a game with myself, lee and the ladies. 2 of us in a very good mood and the other 2 not so much.
“what did you get those coins for Lee? ” “These? Oh I got these for winning!” Didn’t even move them to a smile those frosty maidens. Not even when we done it repeatedly over several hours.

And though nearly everyone didn’t speak to us the next day, and there was a severe sex shortage going on for some time after it

we didn’t care.

We had won and went down in the legends.

So gather the kids around and tell them of our heroism. Tell them how to be a Legend. Pass it down through the generations and feel the swelling in your heart of the inspirational tale that is

The Amazing Stick Contest

Ebay Feedback

I was just looking over some of it.

Much as I love my ego stroked, I feel some of these go over the top.

THIS CUSTOMER IS WHAT EBAY IS ALL ABOUT! YOU ARE SMASHING!

Prompt email reply and extremely fast payment. The Best! Thanks!!

Good buyer, prompt payment, valued customer, highly recommended.
( I bought an item that total cost £2, once off him. Valued tho. He sensed the quality of that £2 compared to other peoples much higher in monetary value purchases. You can’t buy dignity.)

*-:¦:-• ‘*:•.-:¦:-•* 1ST CLASS! Highly Recommended Buyer !! *•-:¦:-• ””’*:•-
(It’s got little stars and junk in it, brilliant!)

A complete DOLL to deal with. It’s been a pleasure *MWAH* Highly Recommended
(I can pull even on f*cking EBAY)

Thanx for prompt payment … make sure you leave us positive and 5 stars!! A++++
(not so happy with this, no praise and a request for me to heap some on them? Not even sure the A++++ is meant for me, maybe they mean themselves, the blowhards)

And lastly

My favourite
Immensely speedy payment. Buyer is superior and exceptional.

Just from the speed of my payment this guy knows how LegendaryI am!

I’ve only ever messaged this girl to do this experiment. It took place over about a week through Faceparty. She lasted longer than I expected. I go second here.

START
———- Original Message ———-

I try to improve my mind, my talents, my skills, my personality etc in the hope I can be the best possible version of myself one day.

———- Original Message ———-

but sadly, you’ll never throw that fireball

———- Original Message ———-

What fireball? Why would I want to throw a fireball? That’s stupid. Unless you mean it in some kind of metaphorical sense.

———- Original Message ———-

Why would you NOT want to throw a fireball?

———- Original Message ———-

Because it’s stupid and wouldn’t help me achieve anything useful in my life.

———- Original Message ———-

You could save a woman being raped by throwing a fireball at her attacker, that’s pretty useful

———- Original Message ———-

I would describe that more as helpful but it wouldn’t help me accomplish any of my personal goals in life as they don’t include saving women from rapists by chucking fireballs around…I’m not aiming to be Superwoman.

———- Original Message ———-
Don’t go off on a tangent. Superwoman can’t throw fireballs.
What are the goals?

———- Original Message ———-

I want a PhD in History. I want to be a multi-billionaire. And I want to make a documentary about Machu Picchu.

———- Original Message ———-

I reckon people would pay lots to see you throw a fireball

———- Original Message ———-
I seriously doubt.

———- Original Message ———-

Proof of a supernatural act will earn you a million dollars for starters from randi.org.
Throwing a fireball would work that

———- Original Message ———-

Performing a supernatural act is not how I want to make my money and it’s not on my list of personal goals
———- Original Message ———-

Multi billionare is though. A cool million for throwing a fireball to get you started. You use the exposure to platform you into making even more money A LA Big brother. Then you can threaten a PHD giver with a fireball and they can give you it and you’re done fast.

———- Original Message ———-

And what would be the point of having a PhD given to you on a plate? The whole point of a PhD is to dedicate time to research in order to add to your knowledge and expertise. No one can give that to you on a plate. You need to invest time and effort for that. And that’s how I want to achieve everything in life. Not through cop-outs and shortcuts.
———- Original Message ———-

It’s not given on a plate, you earned it through threatening with throwing a fireball to the chops. You can always read some stuff later when you’re relaxing in your fireball shaped pool in tribute of the billions it’s earned you
———- Original Message ———-

But throwing a fireball and stupid, crappy threats are not academically rewarding. Three years of study is!
———- Original Message ———-

It’s not a crappy threat it’s a really good original one if you can actually do it!

———- Original Message ———-

Crappy or not, it doesn’t let me improve myself academically. Until you can adequately prove, to my standards, that it’s academically beneficial it’ll be a crap threat. There’s a lot to be said for meritocracy.
———- Original Message ———-

Well the immediate benefit academically to throwing a fireball is not apparent. You have to take the long ball on this one. You can’t throw a long fireball though, that would be quite ridiculous. When you have all the money you need, you can be as academic as you like with private tutors in comfort and achieve far more that way.All thanks to fireball throwing.

———- Original Message ———-

I don’t want private tuition- that’s almost as bad as buying a qualification!

———- Original Message ———-

Have you ever tried so hard to throw a fireball you soiled yourself?

———- Original Message ———-
NO RESPONSE.

Was heading down on a pretty long train Manchester to Edinburgh and spotted this unusual looking girl.
She was very young, traveling on her own,dressed “young” and practically round. I didn’t pay too much attention though since at that time I wasn’t REALLY tired or bored.

By happy happenstance (for you anyway), she ended up seated to the right of me and also a rail got broken and added an extra 85 minutes onto my journey which resulted in various texts being sent out. I’ve collated them here along with thoughts at the time in what I’d call something of a wildlife diary type thing.

“Am okay, watching American Dad on laptop. There’s a like, dunno, 14 year old next to me and she’s like so f*cking fat. It’s unbelievable she’s got like normal legs and there’s this huge huge belly and she’s got those arms that make them look like midgets cos they’re so pudgy*

“Train delayed an hour due to rail broken, they came on to tell us be another 30 minutes from the 30 minutes we’ve waited so far.
There was a midway one where they basically said “still like we said earlier”. Think monotone voice guy has delusions of showbiz. They’re clamping it then going over, possibly high speed for the lulz.  Fat Girl seems pouty about this, possibly not enough food to last”

“reading harry potter now. Trying to figure out how fat Fat Girl is. She’s definitely well fat but it’s a weird kind of fat. She can cross her logs yoga style and she’s been showing a fair bit of dexterity and agility with jumping about for her bag and not wheezing that I could hear. ”

“Fat Girl pees a lot despite not drinking anything, I suspect diabetes. Had a massive cookie too, looked good though.She ate it with a mixture of enjoyment and shame”

“She’s got a well small face jnowot I think it is ,  reckon she’s meant to be quite thin and stuff, and she’s beaten the odds by beasting into the custard f*cking creams like a hungry leper so now her bodys not got a f*cking clue what’s going on so is like I’ll just put it on her gut and give her some extra face at the sides”

“She’s wee. Maybe she’s a midget. Or a dwarf. They get weird shapes like that sometimes.”

The Mystery will never be solved I wager.