How to be a Legend

Hello my screaming fans!,
Yes I , your Leader of Legendary have returned to writing for at least the duration of this blog post.
Bold words uttered as I swear to you I will not just cut off in the middle and leave you hanging like a high five denying feminist.

Now onto the basis of the Lesson.

I am assuming most of you will be familiar with the term c*ckblocking?. If you are not, and indeed are so innocent as to fail to riddle out the missing letter then this is the blog post for you!.  The missing letter can be deduced from this picture of a woman looking very happy to hold a large one.
She’s loving it!

C*ckblocking is clearly a predominantly masculine pursuit. I’m not even convinced lesbians have a comparable to be quite honest.
Some sort of Goalkeeper analogy would be used I guess.
It’s also something I’ve not had much experience of on a personal level due to the fact I have very little male friends. I’m not sure why this is, I suspect it’s lack of Legendness on their part which causes them to be quite jealous and threatened by how pretty I am. I tell a lie, I actually know full well that’s the reason because I had an independent lab conduct a Controlled Study to see what the issue was.
The full results of that study can be found HERE.

But I digress.

The basic goal is to stop another guy having sexyfuntime with a lady. This can be achieved in a few ways like telling her your mate has herpes, is hung like a sparrow (not Jack) or ,for bonus points, taking her home yourself. Your mate will not be allowed to bear a grudge about this due to it being For The Lulz. Do not be worried about the young lady’s feeling in this regard for by going home so fast with you she has played out her hand as “A Slag” and cannot bear grudge later.
HOWEVER, should the lady only be going home with you because you told her it would be funny since your mate has been buying her drinks all night, you should start a permanent relationship with her as she is clearly made of Legendary stuff as she is also aware of The Lulz.

By this point I expect you to be all up to speed with the general concept.

Any of you frequent users of the internet, or even anyone with a pulse and a mostly working brain, are likely to have some knowledge that the internet contains not a small amount of P*rn.  So much in fact that it’s speculated that that is actually what it is for.  The idea is not without merit.
There are also some things as web cameras and chat rooms…

At some point someone put those bad boys together and came up with the porny webcam chat room.  I’ve went into one of these before.  Don’t shame yourself by saying you wouldn’t too when there’s no chance of being caught. I’ll be honest, it was almost 100 % curiosity. A internet legend like myself is more than aware of where to get the best porn and requires none of this “late night phone-in tv girl” crap.

The basic format is everyone has like their name and wee webcam button.  There is 90 percent or more males.  The rest of the room is (in descending order of appearance):

1. Bots/fakes trying to get credit cards from you

2. VERY unattractive older and/or  fat women wanting an ego boost rather than just doing the f*cking work of getting in shape and actually deserving it

3. Attractive Women

4. Attractive women who actually might take a bit of their clothes off.   (VERY RARE)

As you can imagine the rooms are filled with guys pure gagging to see some skin or something raunchy.  NO IDEA why they don’t just check interwebs for what is now HIGH DEF PORN instead of small grainy webcam footage of a so-so attractive girl. Brilliantly though not all of them speak english too good and so the room is filled with this kind of chat.

“Open your T*ts!”
“I sex you!”
“I 10 inches!”

What you also get is whenever anyone in Cat 4 there happens to show up, the whole f*cking room goes NUTS talking about her and trying to seduce her.
I shall call her “Amber425″ for no reason other than that’s how many Ambers I have tapped. It’s dreadfully dull. You mostly just tuck it away and have a look and a laugh for the next Engrish funny thing that is said and why that was going on someone came in to do some Legendary moves.  I have no idea what they are called but it was a massively effective c*ckblock for the whole room.  about 80 guys were destroyed by one sentence.

Amber425 had been feeling frisky and she was getting rather naughty. The room was going crazy, she was being pretty touchy feel under her clothes.
She slowly unbuttoned her top…

“Amber425 u r so beautiful please show us your beautifulness beautiful”

The top came off … she’s in the bra….

“Amber425 is the best!!”
“Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425!!!!”

She’s reaching around.. is she going to take the bra off, she’s a bit hesitant… but there’s a glass of wine there been rapidly drunk, the room loves her. She feels empowered.

She takes it off.

“Amber425 I am so lovely at you you beautiful”
“WOOHOO Amber425 !!!”

She stands up. The crowd is upset , they think she’s going, they’re begging her not. Please don’t go Cat4 Amber425!. She’s not. OMG. She’s taking her jeans off, she’s in just her underwear!

THE ROOM GOES MENTAL , there’s loads streaming up as she sits back down. She feels like the sexiest woman ever you can tell, there’s so many guys telling her how amazing she is. Nothings going to stop her from going all the way… she reaches down…

“Amber425 is the best!!”
“Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425 Amber425!!!!”
“Amber425 I am so lovely at you you beautiful”
“WOOHOO Amber425 !!!”

“FIST THAT SH*T!”

Three things happened.

1. I spat my juice out. (Not a euphamism)

2. Amber425 read it, got a mortified look on her face and turned the cam off.

3. The Room was RAGING!

I have no idea who was that kindred spirit of lulz but I take my hat off to him/her.

This was truly inspiration Legendary behaviour and I hope you all can learn from it.

Don’t worry about the room by the way.
They moved onto some chubby funster who was showing something that was either a breast and nipple…
or a fat roll and blister.

Malk Content
Satanists make me lol hard, Either they don’t believe in God (most likely) in which case they’re atheists trying to sound cool (We’re already cool). Or they believe in God but have chosen to side with the already defeated team.

Michael Cartmell
I was just reading this which mentions Satan: http://www.scribd.com/doc/9212618/using-a-black-mirror-for-scrying-goetia-demons-4

We must be in sync somehow.

Michael Cartmell
For story research, I mean. It’s not my regular Satanic reading time or anything.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Oi. Im offended by this. If u think about it rationally, who is the real bad guy.. God has killed millions with his ‘punishing the bad’ tactics. Whereas satan has only killed a handful.

Malk Content
ahahahhahaah high five!

Michael Cartmell
haha

Malk Content
if you think about it rationally then you’re an atheist.

However if you’re meaning in context of the myth, your comment still doesn’t make sense. I never said who was the bad person.I just stated who won and who lost.

Michael Cartmell
i want hard stats on the God:Satan kill ratio.

Malk Content
Well the main source is obviously the work of fiction that is the bible. God drowned the world. That’s Millions. Satan never managed that.

However this just goes to prove my point that they’re siding with a powerless loser, even if they believe the myth.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Nobody has ‘lost’ yet. Because to lose, the war has to be over. Which it isnt. And im not an atheist,coz i strongly believe in following the dark lords ways.

Malk Content
Okay so you’re siding with the guy that got pummeled, flung out of heaven into the basement and failed. At everything.
There’s literally no real success stories for Ol Scrotch is there.

And apparently you believe kids stories about magic things.

Malk Content
Plus the dark lord is Voldemort from harry potter.

Who had way more success than Satan. Yet shares his total beatdown.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Also, he is only losing due to the fact that so many idiots are drowned with knowledge of god, but are always told that lucifer is the bad guy. When really, he just wanted to be different. Simple as.

Malk Content
Not losing, lost. Tried to take over heaven, got pummeled.

No he lost because if you believe the myth as you do, then you have to accept god made the world, lucifer , can drown it with a thought and is omnipotent.

Nothing tops phenomenal cosmic powers! He’s just not got the juice!

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
No. The dark lord isnt just frm harry potter. Its the opposite of god.. I.e.. light n goodness n all that shit. And so what if i believe in magic stories. Its better than believing in nothingness..

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
He. Hasnt. Lost.

Malk Content
I don’t believe in nothingness. I believe in rationality which is what you mentioned previously.

Okay so you’re now repeating that god is light and goodness after saying that he isn’t. No one calls god The Light Lord so calling Not Voldemort , The Dark Lord isn’t really the opposite.

Malk Content
Okay, what’s he won?
He wanted to take over heaven. did he do it. Or did he get slapped about and flung down? Back then he had lot of help to try too, you think anyones wanting to help him after they see what happens when you try to take on an omnipotent being. Course not. He’s the myth equivalent of a hobo on the street saying “I’m scary btw!, hard luck times!”

The only thing I think is mentioned is his wee boy might come and stir up some fuss and hurt people who don’t believe in God after the rapture. So basically, the people god doesn’t want, he’ll torture.

That would be you btw, because God won’t want you.

so the guy you’re supporting will be doing bitch cleanup duty for gods leaving and you’re going to be the tasty french fry he rakes out the dumpster and munches.

So once again we’re left with the conclusion of you backing a loser.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Aha. Thats where your wrong. I KNOW people who are devout christians, and refer to god as the god of light and all that is holy. But yeah i no i contradicted myself there, but its coz satan is said to be all the darkness and all that is unholy. He has been portrayed like that for so long that no1 knows any better. So thats why he is the darklord. Lord of darkness is Not just frickin voldermort lol

Malk Content
Where did I say he’s not referred to as light and all holy? I said he wasn’t referred to as The Light Lord.
I also never mentioned anything against The Lord of Darkness. That’s always been associated with Satan. However The Dark Lord, is Voldemort.

I’ve never once mentioned who’s the better or more moral person God or Satan, you keep saying that like it makes a difference. It doesn’t. God has all the Power and can’t lose. Satan has none, has already been pummeled and does God’s dirty work.

Bear in mind, none of that’s real, along with unicorns and pixies.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
The whole part of being a satanist is to sacrifice yourself. Thats our way of following. When he rises up, all the satanists will give him their immortal souls, and back his fight.
Michael Cartmell
Personally I’m backing Voldemort

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
U can believe its not real dude. Thats fine with me, coz im not like a jovo tryin to recruit or anythin lol.

Becca Thompson
The bible states that Satan offered God the world but God turned him down so therefore doesnt Satan own the world? And is it not God who made a virgin pregnant so therefore he must be a rapist, and is it not he who makes war therefore he must be a murderer. And no, I do not follow any one religion, I have my own beliefs. Although I know a little about religious myths or whatever as my partner was raised Catholic.

Lisa ‘Sycorax Thrash’ Richardson
Exactly Becca!

Malk Content
It says God made the world. Kinda makes it his already.
I mean if I say I’ll give you your house and you say “no, It’s already mine” that doesn’t mean I own your house.

I also have to point out that you’re falling into the same trap as her of arguing as to whether God is Good or not. I don’t care and it’s irrelevant. He’s omnipotent and Satan has not only lost but will and knows it so have conned idiots into giving up their souls for his own personal pleasure.

Again, just to be clear. none of it real. Any Religious or Supernatural stuff. All crap.

Becca Thompson
Satanism is actually against harming children, against rape, against animal cruelty, and against violence unless it is in self-defence. Just another little piece of random info. And again, no I am not into any one religion. Just have an open mind and the realisation that everyone has their own beliefs. If we were all the same, the world would be one hell of a boring place to survive.

Carolyn Aubrey Groux
I agree with what you had to say even though I am a “nothing” as far as religion goes. oh… and I lol’d at the Harry Potter reference Highly amusing.

Carolyn Aubrey Groux
PS: do you care if i copy this and send it to a friend of mine? I know they will also love it

Michael Cartmell
I don’t think it’s finished yet.

Malk Content
I don’t care about the random info. At no point have I said they do bad things. I have an open mind, that doesn’t mean I can’t look at all the evidence and come to a decision.
New Evidence can change my mind, that’s the definition of an open mind. However no one religious has ANY evidence at all so that’s a non starter.

The Dark Lord is Voldemort.

Michael Cartmell
Actually, Satan was at my door the other day. Trying to offer me my house.

Malk Content
It’ll be up on the site when it’s done. lol.

Malk Content
Tell him you already sold it to Harry Potter, he’ll run away

…
…

DONE!

Malk Content
interesting effect and nice picture tho too much background on go i think , Can’t see your eye because of reflection though so ditch.

Frank Morgan Llewelyn Thomas
theres fuck all background its an ausome pic and if u want to see her eyes there just above her nose u fool!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Malk Content
Clearly a great mind at work there. Apparently your picture inspires retarded people who can’t spell. Perhaps you should add it in a collection of special shots for special people.
She’s said in her own comments she wants criticism. I’ve gave her a lot of pretty constructive stuff. However if you feel she can’t speak for herself and should only have vapid praise heaped upon her, continue the discourse. Happy to make you look silly. Which I have.

Marshall Westbrook
Too much black, not enough light, subject centered. drop.
about an hour ago ·

Alexander Christian Steiner
What No way Franks my Boy Come swansea and well fuck you up with the faaaaaams

Ben Ross
He may not bable to spell but u dont need a degree to pull your teeth out with a pair of plyers BITCH !!!!!

Marshall Westbrook
@Frank, you clearly don’t know constructive criticism when you see it. We are doing this as a favor for a friend. I am not sure if you understand big words tho so this statement may be lost on you. @Alex and Ben: Grow up kids, its the internets.

Alexander Christian Steiner
internets T_T

Ben Ross
Al this guy thinks there is more than one internet >.>

Malk Content
haha , awww they’re cute. with their lil threatenings. Like it’s the first time I’ve ever been threatened. I’m terrified.

Get a grip, losers.

Alexander Christian Steiner
Fail

Ben Ross
Slewed

Malk Content
Listen, Ant and Dec, what you need to do is go away and play halo or something and then if she needs some sort of moronic clapping Seal she’ll give you a little tickle and you can line up like you’re blowing sailors at the Docks and just go for it.

Malk Content
P.S. Ben, it saddens me that you think basic spelling is achieved through a degree and not primary school.

Kaela John
Can you all please desist from this, I do not appreciate this petty little comment battle within my pictures. Can you all please act like the mature adults that you are.

Malk Content
I totally am. This is ALWAYS how I act.

Winnin’.

Alexander Christian Steiner
Fuck you keala its on

Ben Ross
Fuck you kaela its on

Leanne East
i flippin love you guys! hahahahahah

Malk Content
Apparently their period has started. Synced up, like most girls who spend lot of time together.

Alexander Christian Steiner
Ok ok kaela it was only a joke but this guys taking it serious T_T

Ben Ross
lol aww Kaela we was only teasing but this guy is taking it seriously LOL >.>

Kaela John
If you all continue, I will disable the comments.

Please can you all stop this. I am asking you all as a friend here.

Malk Content
haha you don’t know me very well friend, wouldn’t assume anything.

Malk Content
That was to dumb and bummer ^

Ben Ross
i aint your friend i dont even know you T_T
about a minute ago ·

Malk Content
Glad we agree noobface.
Didn’t you already tell kaela you’d shut up?
not doing so good. Am I that irresistable?

6.00am wake up bolt upright.
6.00am look in mirror because it faces the bed.
6.00am …. ALLLL RIIIGHT.
6.00am lose self .. just.. staring.
7.00am run around the world, twice.
7.15am finish run, go for morning urination.
7.50am wash hands
7.51am Go to bedroom to grab towel for shower
8.31am .. Just.. So … Pretty
8.45am Snap out of it, go to shower and do showery business.. mmm.. tingly shower gel.

9.00am Fly to work, reassure civilians that I am neither a bird or a plane.

**Work time passes during which I solve all problems and do the work of a whole department**

1.00pm Obtain Rainbow Drops at lunch time for delicious sugary coloured goodness

**Work time passes during which I slack off the amount of a whole department and wish I was having a lil snoozy**

5.30pm Go to Gym
5.31pm Men all leave through being shamed so hard.
5.32pm I ask the women to leave as they are flooding the place
5.33pm Warm up by using all weights at once
5.43pm Look for more weights
5.45pm Give up looking for weights, tunnel underneath building like some kind of mole.
5.46pm Shoulder Press the building.
5.50pm Leg Muscles – Do jumps up to the Sun while holding truck across shoulders.
5.55pm Try to calm down irate truck driver.
5.56pm Explanation that he needs to man up not well received.
5.57pm Truck driver breaks hand on my jaw
5.58pm lulz.
6.00pm Have a Sammich
6.02pm … mmmm.. Sammich
6.03pm Go home
6.04pm Arrive home
6.05pm Will play xbox for 5 minutes
9.00pm Go online for 5 minutes
1.00am .. I better go to sleep.

This is a text back and forth with one of my mates, she’s a lot nicer than me and actually just doesn’t get some of my stuff because she is not quite as morally bereft humor wise as me.

I do it for The Lulz.

Bardot: I hate casualty

Malk: The Program or did you have an accident?

Bardot: The Programme! Lol, it was so horrible! Xx

Malk: What happened ? .

Bardot: A Baby died. Me, mum and my sister were all crying ! L Xx

Malk: I wouldn’t care, I’d be thinking “wooo narrow save there”

Bardot: Huh? What does that mean? Lol Xx

Malk: Avoided having to look after it etc. Back to easy living x

Bardot: Omg, that is nasty! Xx

Malk:. Why?? is like last minute abortion win x

Bardot: That’s not very funny

Malk: Ah it’s not bad, not like I said could make a sammich out of it

Bardot: What?

Malk: Shishkababy!

Bardot: What are you on about?

I changed the subject there, I reckon she’d just have got upset. That’s showing Tact there I hope you all notice. Normally not seen anywhere in my repertoire of chat.

Tact comes from the same root as tactic. This is why I have never declared war on anything. If I was going to declare war on something though, it would be against Fishermen. They’d be useless in a land battle. All rolling gait and squints with big red faces. Anyway I forgot what the hell I was talking about, doesn’t matter.

KILL FISHERMEN!

I’ve only ever messaged this girl to do this experiment. It took place over about a week through Faceparty. She lasted longer than I expected. I go second here.

START
———- Original Message ———-

I try to improve my mind, my talents, my skills, my personality etc in the hope I can be the best possible version of myself one day.

———- Original Message ———-

but sadly, you’ll never throw that fireball

———- Original Message ———-

What fireball? Why would I want to throw a fireball? That’s stupid. Unless you mean it in some kind of metaphorical sense.

———- Original Message ———-

Why would you NOT want to throw a fireball?

———- Original Message ———-

Because it’s stupid and wouldn’t help me achieve anything useful in my life.

———- Original Message ———-

You could save a woman being raped by throwing a fireball at her attacker, that’s pretty useful

———- Original Message ———-

I would describe that more as helpful but it wouldn’t help me accomplish any of my personal goals in life as they don’t include saving women from rapists by chucking fireballs around…I’m not aiming to be Superwoman.

———- Original Message ———-
Don’t go off on a tangent. Superwoman can’t throw fireballs.
What are the goals?

———- Original Message ———-

I want a PhD in History. I want to be a multi-billionaire. And I want to make a documentary about Machu Picchu.

———- Original Message ———-

I reckon people would pay lots to see you throw a fireball

———- Original Message ———-
I seriously doubt.

———- Original Message ———-

Proof of a supernatural act will earn you a million dollars for starters from randi.org.
Throwing a fireball would work that

———- Original Message ———-

Performing a supernatural act is not how I want to make my money and it’s not on my list of personal goals
———- Original Message ———-

Multi billionare is though. A cool million for throwing a fireball to get you started. You use the exposure to platform you into making even more money A LA Big brother. Then you can threaten a PHD giver with a fireball and they can give you it and you’re done fast.

———- Original Message ———-

And what would be the point of having a PhD given to you on a plate? The whole point of a PhD is to dedicate time to research in order to add to your knowledge and expertise. No one can give that to you on a plate. You need to invest time and effort for that. And that’s how I want to achieve everything in life. Not through cop-outs and shortcuts.
———- Original Message ———-

It’s not given on a plate, you earned it through threatening with throwing a fireball to the chops. You can always read some stuff later when you’re relaxing in your fireball shaped pool in tribute of the billions it’s earned you
———- Original Message ———-

But throwing a fireball and stupid, crappy threats are not academically rewarding. Three years of study is!
———- Original Message ———-

It’s not a crappy threat it’s a really good original one if you can actually do it!

———- Original Message ———-

Crappy or not, it doesn’t let me improve myself academically. Until you can adequately prove, to my standards, that it’s academically beneficial it’ll be a crap threat. There’s a lot to be said for meritocracy.
———- Original Message ———-

Well the immediate benefit academically to throwing a fireball is not apparent. You have to take the long ball on this one. You can’t throw a long fireball though, that would be quite ridiculous. When you have all the money you need, you can be as academic as you like with private tutors in comfort and achieve far more that way.All thanks to fireball throwing.

———- Original Message ———-

I don’t want private tuition- that’s almost as bad as buying a qualification!

———- Original Message ———-

Have you ever tried so hard to throw a fireball you soiled yourself?

———- Original Message ———-
NO RESPONSE.

Was heading down on a pretty long train Manchester to Edinburgh and spotted this unusual looking girl.
She was very young, traveling on her own,dressed “young” and practically round. I didn’t pay too much attention though since at that time I wasn’t REALLY tired or bored.

By happy happenstance (for you anyway), she ended up seated to the right of me and also a rail got broken and added an extra 85 minutes onto my journey which resulted in various texts being sent out. I’ve collated them here along with thoughts at the time in what I’d call something of a wildlife diary type thing.

“Am okay, watching American Dad on laptop. There’s a like, dunno, 14 year old next to me and she’s like so f*cking fat. It’s unbelievable she’s got like normal legs and there’s this huge huge belly and she’s got those arms that make them look like midgets cos they’re so pudgy*

“Train delayed an hour due to rail broken, they came on to tell us be another 30 minutes from the 30 minutes we’ve waited so far.
There was a midway one where they basically said “still like we said earlier”. Think monotone voice guy has delusions of showbiz. They’re clamping it then going over, possibly high speed for the lulz.  Fat Girl seems pouty about this, possibly not enough food to last”

“reading harry potter now. Trying to figure out how fat Fat Girl is. She’s definitely well fat but it’s a weird kind of fat. She can cross her logs yoga style and she’s been showing a fair bit of dexterity and agility with jumping about for her bag and not wheezing that I could hear. ”

“Fat Girl pees a lot despite not drinking anything, I suspect diabetes. Had a massive cookie too, looked good though.She ate it with a mixture of enjoyment and shame”

“She’s got a well small face jnowot I think it is ,  reckon she’s meant to be quite thin and stuff, and she’s beaten the odds by beasting into the custard f*cking creams like a hungry leper so now her bodys not got a f*cking clue what’s going on so is like I’ll just put it on her gut and give her some extra face at the sides”

“She’s wee. Maybe she’s a midget. Or a dwarf. They get weird shapes like that sometimes.”

The Mystery will never be solved I wager.

This one contains some swearing. I’ve starred it out in the knowledge it makes absolutely no difference to your reading but will fool your work I.t. sweeper so you can read this unafraid.

There’s a guy at my work and he quite clearly hates his job. Admittedly he does work with some of the most technically inept people ever. This causes him to unleash the fury now and again. He does this by hitting the mute key on the phone so they can’t hear him and saying what’s really on his mind.

Since he also has a “list of people who are bad to him” and spends a lot of time surfing weapons I’m not convinced how much longer that will be the case.
In the mean (unbloodshedding) time, enjoy the following statements:

You don’t need to understand just do as you’re f*cking told

You don’t know what microsoft word is? You should be shot!

You total vegetable!

This is hard f*cking work, guys a total mudblood!

Aw you’re so f*ckin thick man.

I’m not going to bore you by explaining it.

Wait a minute, how am I wrong I’m making a suggestion!

To his gf who called “right why are you phoning me?”

Also regarding his gf “I was right to tell her to start going to the gym though”

And finally without being on mute,speaking to someone who had him on speakerphone after he’d told them they should be backing up and they complained he embaressed them in front of the customer

“I can’t believe you’d be so stupid though”

Okay so I’m at a horrible gig thing. Turned out to be under 18s. The band was terrible. The band that’s on the now are actually decent. http://www.myspace.com/nobodysheroesuk if you’re curious.

That’s not the best thing ever though. That would be when one of the band members mum showed up! He’d forgotton something so she’s having a wee chat with the bouncer while waiting for him to come pick it up haahhaa he’s just got it. It might be his sandwiches.

No one could survive that blow to your cool. I don’t care if you’re ozzy osbourne. You have just died rock death and will forever be the dude who’s mum showed up.

The only way that could be funnier is if she stayed to dance and pulled

UPDATE! His mum is back and waiting to take him home after the gig. She’s directly opposite me. She’s not clapping though. And is feeling the cold so has left her scarf and coat on . Aahhhhh this is actually genius

FURTHER UPDATE! Some young guy is trying to pull her by giving her some sweets from themachine hahahaahahahaa