How to be a Legend

This email did the rounds from a few of my friends now. I’ve responded as I smell some Bullsh*t in what he says.

*********************
Michael Richards makes his point…

Michael Richards better known as Kramer from tv’s Seinfeld, does make a good point.
This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points.

Proud To Be White

Someone finally said it.
How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans,
Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.And then there are just Americans.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
You Call me ‘White boy,’ ‘Cracker,’ ‘Honkey,’
‘Whitey,’ ‘Caveman’ … and that’s OK.

But when I call you, N*gger, Kike, Towel head,
Sand-n*gger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Go*k, or Ch*nk …
You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you,
so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Ma’uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET.
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) we’d be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month , we’d be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to ‘advance’
OUR lives we’d be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber
of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that?

A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American
pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students
scholarships you know we’d be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges
in the US . Yet if there were ‘White colleges’ THAT
would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were
marching for your race and rights. If we marched for
our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and
you’re not afraid to announce it. But when we announce
our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a
white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats
up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a
threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud.
But you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

There is nothing improper about this e-mail.
Let’s see which of you are proud enough to send it on.

***************************************
*************

My response:

That would all be terribly convincing and proper if not for the fact he says “you” all the time. Which immediately groups anyone with whatever skin colour he’s ranting about under the same banner. Since Racism stems from doing just that and not seeing people as individuals there’s a good chance the boy there does have some good tendencies towards “us v them”.

Everyone is racist to some degree. It’s a survival trait through evolution. “This is different, is it a threat?” but I think perhaps it’s a good chance he takes it a bit further than that with his grouping system there.That’s not to be arguing with his central point however. The rights system is set up to be terribly racist in it’s attempts to counter racism. It’s a hard thing to fix and it could be done better I imagine. I’d also like to point out that his comments can equally apply to men and women. There are a lot of women only groups etc and very few male only groups. Is it any different?

Don’t be proud to be white,black,asian,male,female, afro american, caucasian, gay , straight, bi or anything else you didn’t actually choose though.

Why be proud of an accident of birth?

It’s like being proud of your height, eye colour or having 2 nipples….

There are two types of people, Legends and non Legends.  Legends recognise excuse making Bullsh*t when they hear it. I could sympathise if his defense was more in the nature of a Freedom of speech type comedy thing but it wasn’t. It also depends on the jokes I guess.

The Government is only good in one department and that is covering up  things like conspiracies and alien invasions.

Apparently they’re amazing at that.

Right, this is a pre-emptive strike to all you knobs that are going to try and shake my hand or kiss my cheek ( depending if you’re man or woman or a bit fruity. Don’t get me started on trannys. Has c*ck , is a man.).

Every f*cking year it’s the same thing when you go back to work, a bunch of di*kheads all try to shake your hand shouting happy new year.  Well that’s ace but I seen you just a week ago and we barely speak and it’s just the fakest thing ever.  It’s like a constant job interview that first week back.

This completely fake jovality and acting like it’s some sort of real accomplishment. Statistically speaking it’s no more relevant than Thursday following Wednesday but we don’t bust out the fireworks and big drums for that. Alright I guess it’s a good excuse to cut loose a bit at the actual time but after that just let it go. You’re going to spend the first month filling in the wrong year on the date anyway and when you finally do it automatically mid Feb you’ll wonder where the time’s went and all this hand shaking crap just seems extra ridiculous.

If you want to say Happy New Year then fine, that’s alright.

Just stop trying to touch me.

Well even I’ve been notified of the news regarding rage against the machine beating x factor to christmas number one. I’m not exactly a carer of that title but I have to say I’m very confused about what’s actually happened here.
The basic story is that a guy didn’t like xfactor winning the spot past 4 years. So made a facebook group to get a RATM song number one. Which got the support the alternatey community and its now got it.
I really don’t actually see this as much of a victory for individuality though. I mean I don’t like xfactor, don’t watch it, know little about it, don’t know the names of the people in it apart from cowell. I do know that it does gear itself up to get christmas spot.

Let’s review. Its a contest that a talented and likely hard working young person wins through a combination of worthy factors to achieve their dream. That’s the person that loses out by not getting number one, its hardly hitting cowell hard in the pocket is it.
Each person who bought the record did so through personal choice because they liked the music. No one was made to it was a series of individual choices.
Xfactor is very successful at what it does.

So in retaliation for the crime of being successful, because by f*ck we do all hate winners don’t we. “They’re good at what they do… BOOOOOO!”
The alternative community got together and bought the RATM song. Its again a series of individual choices to do so, but in this case its motivated because you disliked other peoples choices. I guess that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth because if left alone it says “don’t really care, that’s not my kind of music” but now it looks like the care was there but you simply got beat every year until this point.

To me it seems petty and really self defeating. “We’re all individual and to prove it we’re going to buy the same song” .

I kinda see what was tried to do, I just don’t really think bandwagonism is very metal so regardless of number one winning, its non legendary behaviour.

(Now if only it had been done purely for The Lulz)

Occaisonally people fall out with me. 
“What? Really? But you’re so pretty!”
I know I know but sometimes people just can’t handle this much Legend in their tiny lives. If you disagree/agree with me then leave a comment or send me an email.

There are various reasons for this. The main one is that while people claim to like honesty they actually are just lying and don’t like to be told they’re fat or their beliefs are idiotic and the like. 
I’m going to give a few examples of why people have fell out with me so you can see that you can’t please everyone all the time because some people are monumentally stubborn and can’t apportion blame properly. That being the case you should do (within reason) what makes you happy and try to be honest about everything.  It’s the Legend way.  Weirdly 2 of these 3 examples are from Newcastle ladies and involve Facebook. Does that mean Newcastle wimmen shouldn’t be allowed on Facebook?.  Yes. Yes it does.

In Reverse Order 

3. I’m friends with a couple (horrible idea btw, try to just be friends with one of them). M (girl)  and A (boy).  I get a message on facebook from R (girl) saying hello, seemed interesting, spotted on a friends profile. The mutual friend was A.  R had a gallery of A with his shirt off. I found this a bit strange and asked M who R was. She said R was friend of As why. I said just found it bit weird she has that gallery.   
Unbeknownst to me then, but knownst to me now, M is a raging nutjob with regards to jealousy.  Sequence went nuts.

1. Gallery was there over a year ago, A wasn’t with M then. It hasn’t been updated since.
2. M and A split up after I mention it’s existance
3. I try helping out by pointing out to M that it’s not on As profile, he prob forgot it even existed, it’s been a year, it’s just his shirt off on top of all that etc etc.
4. I get ignored.
5. M and A get back together.
6. Both dont talk to me and regard me as a suspicious minion of R.

So I didn’t make the gallery, I didn’t report any wrong doing on As part, I said nothing to stir it up (beyond rather niavely mentioning the gallery existance) and spent literally hours trying to calm her down after she went off the handle but I’m still the bad guy trying to wreck their happy and secure (hah!) relationship.   Nothing like making an outsider the focus of your blame to avoid too much introspective analysis of your own relationship’s failings eh?.

2.  L was a friend of mine for about 3-4 years.  On facebook, I had a bit of flirty banter with a friend of hers. The friends boyfriend complained to L and L had a go at me. I said relax it’s just facebook banter, tell him if he’s got an issue take it up with me. It’s stopped now anyway.  
L just kept having a go about it and wanting me to apologise. I said look am not going to apologise about some facebook banter that didn’t even mention you in any case. I am sorry you got “in trouble” about it but I’m not sorry about the act itself.  Not going to lie, I feel the act was perfectly okay. 

So she fell out with me , after extended back and forth because I wouldn’t lie and say sorry about that. L actually said that “if our friendship isn’t worth just lying to tell me what I want to hear then it’s not worth much”.  Irony escapes her clearly. 

The Stupidest Reason anyone has ever fell out with me.  (If you can top it, please let us know)

1.  I used to do roleplaying. (Pretending to be an elf with a magic staff, roll some dice that kind of stuff).  They didn’t fall out with me because of that (and why would they, it’s awesome!).  Anyway,  MsN00b also played it. She fell out with me, genuinely and completely (this was like 8 years ago now) because I wanted to use poision instead of a sword and she felt that was Evil.  I hadn’t actually killed anyone with it. I didn’t use it to kill a High Priest of Hugz or anything.  In her eyes the mere act of wanting to use a  poison to have someone die quickly without mess was an act of malevolence on par with sodomising a one legged kitten Nun.
So we argued about it a bit and then she stopped talking to me. Forever.  I didn’t swear at her or call her names or anything.  It was just this keen difference of me not thinking the actual method of killing someone was likely to make you more evil than another when both were equally painful. 

I hardly ever fall out with people because I like discussion too much and I’m very rational mostly. When I do fall out with them it’s for really good reasons.

Like them being ignorant, stupid,close minded,bigoted, the wrong colour or gay.

So there I am, in the gents toilets …
(Has there ever actually been a pleasant anecdote that starts with those words, I have my doubts)
I’m getting about the business of losing weight and some other guy comes in and takes the other  cubicle when his phone rings.
“Haha nae luck mate” I think, as I reckon he’ll have to either miss the call or get up and away.  No, he’s too busy for that so just answers it saying “hello” 6 times until they get through. “oh well he’s just sitting on the top of it” I imagined. He then proceeded to make me once again wrong by going into a porcelin destroying grunter while actually having a convo. The person on the other end had to hear the strain in his voice I mean there’s just no way you couldn’t. 
What puzzles me is that the call was important enough to interrupt his abolutions .. but not actually important enough to interrupt his abolutions.  It’s multitasking at the most base level.  I waited to see who it was because I don’t ever want to shake their hand.

A similar incident has previously occured when the exact same sequence of events occured, though the activity this time was not having a wee chat on the mobile.

It was eating crisps.

The Joys of Public Transport

I’m on a train right now and I was planning on reading quietly and having a bit of a sleep but can’t due to the fact I’ve got a couple of students on the train. Sadly it’s not because they’re hot lesbian college girls who can’t keep their hands off each other. Despite the implications the internet gives me there appears to actually be very few of those kicking about relatively speaking.

It’s because one of them in particular is a double chinned fat loudmouth.
I don’t know if the loudness of mouth is related to the double chin, I’m just wanting to insult her factually because she’s just so annoying. She doesn’t breathe she just keeps talking. Occasionally her blonde friend comes in with “oh I know” or some other fence peerer type comments.

A fence peerer is one of those women who peer over the fence to see what’s  happening in the neighborhood because they’re nosy and then talk about it. E,g, “see that Cheryl, she’s no better than she should be, did you see what she was wearing”

The weird thing is that by a strange twist of fate despite the fact she’s rattling out a continuous volume of words they actually appear to contain nothing of value. There’s no lulz contained within anything she says. I’ve wrote down a sentence she just said as an example.

“Went to Marks and Spencers take away at lunchtime and when we got back it was 20 to *laugh* “

I mean where’s the humour? Where’s even the hint of humour that would possibly mean it was ethical to laugh. A strange use of the word ethical there you might think but I reckon it’s completely dishonest of her to have laughed at the end of that because there’s no joke and she’s not part hyena. Part hippo possibly.  When she laughs I want you to imagine her big fat extra chin jiggling away, it’s easily her least attractive feature and make it look like one of those awful family movies where some guy needs to dress as an fat woman to capture the bad guys.

I’m being treated to the knowledge of her favourite Christmas song now its…

OH in a beautiful twist of story telling she’s vacanted off and can’t remember, will she recover or will new babble be generated I just don’t know but I’m excited about it and I’m taking you with me!. She’s “thinking” apparently. I’ll wait. She’s ventured forth to her fellow idiot “it’s like a remake of sumhin, she’s dancing like a football or basketball stadio or something. We’ll google it , I want a wee thing its like a DVD player but it doesn’t play DVDs”.

I’m going to stop there, she’s eating now. It’s a sweet you’ll be shocked to know, some sort of pig in what appears to be an act of confectionary cannibalism (“They’re like foamy but not foamy”). I’ll sign off with her best shot at basic math at this stage because I’m going to end up just bashing her to death with this laptop if don’t try to distract myself with something else.

“It cost about £100 last time in petrol eh?”

“£35 each”

“aye about £100”

There’s 2 of them.

P.S.

It’s another 2 hours into the journey and it just never stops. I managed a wee nap which helped since I couldn’t hear her for 45 minutes. I’m contemplating Heroin for a longer lasting effect. This woman has all the qualities I actually hate; and she looks like a toad.  These are the rest of the topics she’s covered.

Nothing

Nothing

Banality

Eating Crisps (this didn’t actually stop her talking though)

Nothing

Babble

Drivel

Pish

Nothing

Update: I ended up sitting next to her on the way back but she was mostly quiet due to reading Twilight and clearly hoping Edward would want her .

People say so many things that are pointless babble that chances are we’ve not even noticed how stupid some of these sentences are.
I have though because I’m a legend.
Things like
“it’s always the last place you look”
Obviously.
“She’s a wh*re because …”
She’s a woman. (Heh)

I reckon the business world is one of these and have a couple of pet peeves that often crop up.
Like when they talk about something and say “Going forward…blah blah babble”. Can anyone else offer a genuine alternative to going forward in time? Anyone? Bueller?Beuller?

The other is when people phone up to report a fault and say the amazing
“It was working fine yesterday”
… and?.
What exactly is the relevance of that statement can I ask? Are you implying nothing has even broken in your life? Have you not made the link that for something to even be considered broken there must have actually have been a stage at which it was working fine from which to reference that to?

Dunno what to tell you mate, entropys a hell of a thing…

Feel free to add your own

This is starting to bug me now. You’ve probably seen it or even said something similar yourself. Someone complain that its cold,wet or dark and its only 5pm !?
Its f*cking winter you douche what exactly are you expecting? Do you normally miss it or something, hibernating in a wad of duvets and empty crisp packets, traces of peanut butter cups around your lips?

How can you even be vaguely surprised that this is the case at any rate when its pretty much always been the case in recent memory, if you’re old with alzheimers some allowances can be made but that’s pretty much it. In fact the idea that this is such a non event can be tested by going into ladbrooks and asking them on odds on whether winter will be cold and dark early and seeing how long it takes them to sh*t in their hand and throw it at you.

Even if its just being sad at the fact of the matter makes you say it I stillwant you to shut up. There’s nothing you can do.

Pattern recognition is an important part of being a legend

Just had one today.
“Looking forward to receiving confirmation that this has been actioned”.
Makes you wonder what she was asking me to do eh?
Was it fulfilling her puppy,flowers and sex delivery?(not all together you sick little monkey)

Was it confirmation her live saving surgery was a go?

Was it news the christmas night out was in willy wonkas chocolate factory?

No it wasn’t,fatty. It was to put an out of message for a colleague. what a drab little life she leads.

Anyone else seen similar out of place email sigs?

Okay so I’m at a horrible gig thing. Turned out to be under 18s. The band was terrible. The band that’s on the now are actually decent. http://www.myspace.com/nobodysheroesuk if you’re curious.

That’s not the best thing ever though. That would be when one of the band members mum showed up! He’d forgotton something so she’s having a wee chat with the bouncer while waiting for him to come pick it up haahhaa he’s just got it. It might be his sandwiches.

No one could survive that blow to your cool. I don’t care if you’re ozzy osbourne. You have just died rock death and will forever be the dude who’s mum showed up.

The only way that could be funnier is if she stayed to dance and pulled

UPDATE! His mum is back and waiting to take him home after the gig. She’s directly opposite me. She’s not clapping though. And is feeling the cold so has left her scarf and coat on . Aahhhhh this is actually genius

FURTHER UPDATE! Some young guy is trying to pull her by giving her some sweets from themachine hahahaahahahaa