How to be a Legend

The Joys of Public Transport

I’m on a train right now and I was planning on reading quietly and having a bit of a sleep but can’t due to the fact I’ve got a couple of students on the train. Sadly it’s not because they’re hot lesbian college girls who can’t keep their hands off each other. Despite the implications the internet gives me there appears to actually be very few of those kicking about relatively speaking.

It’s because one of them in particular is a double chinned fat loudmouth.
I don’t know if the loudness of mouth is related to the double chin, I’m just wanting to insult her factually because she’s just so annoying. She doesn’t breathe she just keeps talking. Occasionally her blonde friend comes in with “oh I know” or some other fence peerer type comments.

A fence peerer is one of those women who peer over the fence to see what’s  happening in the neighborhood because they’re nosy and then talk about it. E,g, “see that Cheryl, she’s no better than she should be, did you see what she was wearing”

 

The weird thing is that by a strange twist of fate despite the fact she’s rattling out a continuous volume of words they actually appear to contain nothing of value. There’s no lulz contained within anything she says. I’ve wrote down a sentence she just said as an example.

“Went to Marks and Spencers take away at lunchtime and when we got back it was 20 to *laugh* “

I mean where’s the humour? Where’s even the hint of humour that would possibly mean it was ethical to laugh. A strange use of the word ethical there you might think but I reckon it’s completely dishonest of her to have laughed at the end of that because there’s no joke and she’s not part hyena. Part hippo possibly.  When she laughs I want you to imagine her big fat extra chin jiggling away, it’s easily her least attractive feature and make it look like one of those awful family movies where some guy needs to dress as an fat woman to capture the bad guys.

I’m being treated to the knowledge of her favourite Christmas song now its…

OH in a beautiful twist of story telling she’s vacanted off and can’t remember, will she recover or will new babble be generated I just don’t know but I’m excited about it and I’m taking you with me!. She’s “thinking” apparently. I’ll wait. She’s ventured forth to her fellow idiot “it’s like a remake of sumhin, she’s dancing like a football or basketball stadio or something. We’ll google it , I want a wee thing its like a DVD player but it doesn’t play DVDs”.

I’m going to stop there, she’s eating now. It’s a sweet you’ll be shocked to know, some sort of pig in what appears to be an act of confectionary cannibalism (“They’re like foamy but not foamy”). I’ll sign off with her best shot at basic math at this stage because I’m going to end up just bashing her to death with this laptop if don’t try to distract myself with something else.

“It cost about £100 last time in petrol eh?”

“£35 each”

“aye about £100”

There’s 2 of them.

P.S.

It’s another 2 hours into the journey and it just never stops. I managed a wee nap which helped since I couldn’t hear her for 45 minutes. I’m contemplating Heroin for a longer lasting effect. This woman has all the qualities I actually hate; and she looks like a toad.  These are the rest of the topics she’s covered.

Nothing

Nothing

Banality

Eating Crisps (this didn’t actually stop her talking though)

Nothing

Babble

Drivel

Pish

Nothing

 

 

Update: I ended up sitting next to her on the way back but she was mostly quiet due to reading Twilight and clearly hoping Edward would want her .

This is starting to bug me now. You’ve probably seen it or even said something similar yourself. Someone complain that its cold,wet or dark and its only 5pm !?
Its f*cking winter you douche what exactly are you expecting? Do you normally miss it or something, hibernating in a wad of duvets and empty crisp packets, traces of peanut butter cups around your lips?

How can you even be vaguely surprised that this is the case at any rate when its pretty much always been the case in recent memory, if you’re old with alzheimers some allowances can be made but that’s pretty much it. In fact the idea that this is such a non event can be tested by going into ladbrooks and asking them on odds on whether winter will be cold and dark early and seeing how long it takes them to sh*t in their hand and throw it at you.

Even if its just being sad at the fact of the matter makes you say it I stillwant you to shut up. There’s nothing you can do.

Pattern recognition is an important part of being a legend

My first call today on the I.T. Desk.

This woman phoned up. She’d lost the key to her pedestal, which is the small movable drawer thing we have under our desks to keep a big pile of crap in that really doesn’t have anything to do with work and everything to do with packets of biscuits.

She had actually phoned facilities at first, domain of the men with brisk walks and cheery whistles. They’re the exact sort of people you’d expect to be good in these kind of situations. In fact, she knew this which is why she called them last time it happened but this time held a scary new change…

They’d added a voiceover with choices to pick before you went through. (Two choices). This was too much for her clearly and she panicked! unable to hear the specific of “have you lost your pedestal key) she just went and hung up.  One might wonder why she didn’t just boldly go ahead and pick one of them thereby giving her a 50/50 chance to do the correct thing ?(two choices) Well it’s because she’s a chimp obviously.

So she hung up and phoned I.T.

The computer people.

Explaining that she didn’t know what choice to pick (two choices) so phoned us. I didn’t know. WHY the f*ck would I know? What I did know is that a pedestal is not a piece of I.T. equipment. It’s not even close, there are very few small wooden cabinets that are ridden with computer chips.

I have absolutely no idea why she thought that would go well for her…