How to be a Legend

No idea how many parts of this there will be and this might not be as funny as usual but here we go anyway ! It’s a proper adult type advice and legendhood column for you, my happy readers.

I’ve been working on  hypothesis for a while now about why people don’t lose weight and diet books etc all fail. I threw a quick, pretty unscientific survey out in an open question and got the answers I expected. The reason I’m qualified to fix this is that I’ve genuinely done the big weight loss and maintained it thing without special surgery and so on, and I’m also a bit of a dick.  That’s important. SHOCK AND AWE, BABY, SHOCK AND AWE!.

Now many of you reading this want to lose weight, tone up, however you want to call it, might have tried it plenty before but never succeeded so I’m going to help you. Many of you reading this will have a smartphone, if not , use the PC version.

Before we go annnnny further, I want you to download and sign up for something called “Evernote”. It’s a very simple program that lets you make notes and put tags so you can track it and such.
Okay so do that now.

 

 

Did you do it ?

 

 

Lot of you probably didn’t.
So here’s my question… What the F*CK are you playing at?
Seriously, you’re reading this because you want to lose weight and you’re ALREADY making excuses and procrastinating, you’re wasting my time and yours.  DO IT NOW!

That’s why you’re not getting where you want btw, weight or otherwise. It’s not a magic diet needed or a pill or a procedure or your glands or anything f*cking else. It’s excuses and procrastination.

Here’s some favourites

“I’ll go to the gym later”.

Used as an excuse to eat something you shouldn’t or to put off going to the gym.
Solution: PUT DOWN THE FORK!, nah but seriously, don’t eat it.

Here’s the new deal you make with yourself, you look at the calories of it and for every 100 you do 10 minutes hard cardio in the gym. That’s how hard it is to burn off btw.  It’s 3600 for a lb of fat too. So that means 6 hours hard cardio to burn off 1 lb of fat or nearly forty minutes to burn off a chocolate bar.
Insane isn’t it?
But if you still want to do it, then do it FIRST.  That’s your new cheating on your goal deal, you want to eat crap that is against your goal, you HAVE to do the work FIRST.  That’s the absolute rule.  You follow it , just that and a few things happen. You don’t eat the crap, you do go to the gym and after it, you feel so good you don’t want the crap. It’s much easier to just eat less calories than to try to work it off in the gym, trust me on that.  Gym is for a bit of fitness.  80/20 eating /gym for weight loss. Later (part 2) I’m going to cover the top mistakes rookies make in losing weight.

As for putting it off later, here’s the next new goal breaking deal. You go to the gym and get changed into your gym clothes. If you STILL want to not do it , you get changed and go back.  You won’t btw, you’ll work out and probably enjoy it too once you’re there but if you don’t fine , you’ll walk back out. Just, go first? , take you like twenty – twenty five  minutes probably tops.  If it’s taking you more than that, get a different gym, even if it’s not as equipped.  You’ll still go more. Convenience counts a lot.

 

“I’ve been to the gym so I can have a little treat”

Solution – HAH! , read the math above and WEEP my friend, you have done nothing even close that will cover your little “treat”.   Also, stop making FOOD treats, chubs.  Save up the money you’d spend on these fatty, goal destroying “treats” and buy yourself new clothes when you’ve slimmed down.  New clothes are a great treat as it’s a genuine reward for achievement. That wouldn’t have fit you before, and it won’t fit you if you slip back, so don’t be a dumbass.  If you want chocolate, fried crap etc, you don’t want to lose weight. They are mutually exclusive like Hitler and Jews. That is not a mixer party that is going to work, so just throw that idea out the window.

 

“I don’t seem to be losing any so stuff it”

Solution – That’s why you’ve got evernote. Measure yourself and take your weight at the same time and on the same scale. you’ll be able to track. Occaisonally weight will stall. Stick with the reduced calories and moderate exercise, it will go.  You have to have willpower here to keep going.  It can’t fight physics so just beat it down until it goes.

 

“A friend offered it”

Solution – And you say no.  That’s all there is too it. You need to get angry about this. Seriously it’s completely rude. It’s genuinely no different than offering pints of beer to an alcoholic but, much like an alcoholic , it’s still your responsibility to say no.  Don’t argue, don’t offer an excuse. Just. Say. No.  if you like say “No I’m losing weight, I don’t care if you think I need to, I want to, let’s move on with the conversation”.  People often buy others food cos they want to eat crap themselves, don’t be their puppet!.

 

“I don’t have time”

Solution – … you don’t have time to do what?  it takes just as much time to buy a healthy option sandwich as it does a big bacony fatty so shut up with that crap.

 

 

Okay there are more and if you have specific ones, mail me, I’ll add if relevant, there is a contact form it’s annoymous.

 

Oh , and as a final hint for now, DONT go killing urself in the gym at the start of weightloss. Focus on the mental game of eating properly (little meals spaced out, add up the calories, don’t make excuses). It’s way more important and the gym will come later.  3 times a week for an hour is more than sufficient. Don’t go mental either , get a sweat up, get ur heartrate up, do some stretching. We’ll cover stage two after you lose, say , half a stone.

 

And stop making crappy stupid excuses. You know what you want, so do it.

It’s the Legend way.